Things That Are Not A Hat

I came across of copy of Jon Klassen's children's book This Is Not My Hat a few days ago, which resulted in the creation of the following list.

Things That Are Not A Hat: 

A Fish

A fish would make a terrible hat, all flopping around, it would never stay still on your head long enough to be of any value as a headpiece.

Trees

Trees are immobile, heavy and cumbersome, and just downright hard and pointy. They would not be comfortable to wear on your head for any length of time, though they are especially good at keeping what is beneath them dry.

The War of 1812

While many cunning hats were obviously worn, a 32 month international conflict is not a hat. Moreover, a prominent American event in the War was the burning of the President's House in Washington, D.C., resulting in its rebuilding and renaming with a fresh coat of paint as the "White" House. Though pivotal, fire is generally not suitable head attire.

A Multi-National Bank

All the worst things about trees, and it's got ties to organized crime. And not the way fedoras did while still looking cool. No, this is Law & Order crime, not Tommy gun crime.

Socks

Very close. So very close. But it is hard to get socks to fit over your head securely, and in most cases where you do, they'll lose the stretch in their elastic rather quickly.

The 1974 Dallas Cowboys

This is a sports team. Was a sports team. It isn't even a team anymore. I mean the team is, but this team isn't. The point is they are not a hat, which was as true then as it is today. Though Roger Staubach could probably be a hat if he wanted to.

A Serious Question

Something's been bothering me for about a week now, and I really want you to give it some serious thought before you say your answer. I don't mean to put you on the spot, or call your own choices into question, I just want you to think carefully and then tell me your honest feelings.

Available from SuperheroStuff.com!

What socks do you think Batman wears?

I'm genuinely asking. I mean I'm sure at this point they're most likely to be some kind of padded, reinforced number built into the body stocking he wears under the layered armor and gizmos, a lot like what samurai wore beneath their lacquer and theatrically embellished helmets.

But at some point, early on, before all the gadgets and climate-optimized, sweat-wicking body suits, Batman must have had something simpler. If Year One is what we're basing his career from, the first times he went out he was simply disguised as an average goon in a brown leather and denim, maybe a biker helmet. Did he put any thought into utility beyond authentic disguise? Not really. He certainly didn't mull his choice of socks over any further than "Would this look atypical on a street thug?"

So basic black, then?

I'm sure Bruce Wayne is always immaculately dressed. He still has a habit of donning mostly black, so maybe a simple pattern here and there, if Alfred picked it out. I'm sure he'd find anything simple and solid-toned satisfactory. Comfort and style don't play a huge roll in protecting the innocent and mauling criminals unless you're Booster Gold.

Buy what if, just what if, maybe, somewhen, Batman has little duckie socks on under his stomping boots?

Just what if, guys?

Letters to People I Met Today

Dear Guy Looking for Machiavelli,

Was that really for your daughter's assigned reading? That's kind of crazy. If you had been looking for "The Prince" instead of "Machiavelli," I'd almost think you meant to ask for "The Little Prince." Except you weren't. I'd be a little worried this school was teaching my daughter to be a conspiratorial, conniving courtesan of unusual intelligence and, frankly, a borderline evil genius.

Incidentally, where does your daughter go to school and how high is tuition?

Dear Cute Mamasita,

I'm sorry your brother is in jail, and also that you don't know when he'll be getting out. I hope those books I showed you about personal computing and auto repair will be to his liking. When you said he worked in a place that only dealt with "…the best, expensive cars. Infinity and Mercedes," I really thought you were going to end the sentence with "chop shop," so for that I apologize. I mean he still might have, but I don't want to make assumptions. I hope he gets some good vocational training while he's there.

Also, lose the sideburns and we'll talk.

Dear Guy at Newsstand,

I hope you weren't offended that I talked out loud to myself/the magazines as I worked. I noticed you had Tourette syndrome and likely some form of autism. Figured it'd be ruder to censor innocent behavior because you were there than engaging in it like you were anyone else. I also figure you'd be pretty understanding.

Dear Guy Next to Guy at Newsstand,

Stop being such a judgmental asshole. If the autistic kid didn't care, why should you?

Dear Dad in Business Attire Reading to His Kid on the Floor,

I could see you were not wearing any socks. Why did you smell like fresh socks? Not even old socks, but fresh-from-the-bag, elastic-y smelling new socks? That's kind of a weird superpower, but it seems pretty cool too.