War On Christmas | Day 6: Life Day

The evil Galactic Empire waged war on the originally triennial Wookie celebration of Life Day long before the War on Christmas was cool. Held around the 31st of Welona by the Tepani Standard Calendar, Life Day was a pivotal holiday for the Wookie race, and later the Rebellion, despite it being A) an amalgam of both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and B) just incredibly awful on all counts except for the Boba Fett cartoon, Life Day has much to teach us in terms of tradition.

Holiday Traditions I Learned From Wookie Life Day:

• Even if you spend the rest of the year naked, you dress up for special occasions. It shows respect for the day and those around you, and it's a chance to show off how fancy you can be.

"Itchy" Atichuk: the original Grumpy Cat.

• Everyone has a creepy old grandpa being dirty when he thinks no one is looking. Or even when they are and he just doesn't care. And as racist as he is, he's watching some decidedly off-species porn dancing videos.

• Getting so blitzed with your family you all end up singing together. In space.

• Carrie Fisher getting high on pain killers.

"Did nobody else bother to read their contracts?"

• Your one uncle who smartly doesn't show up…

• … but then phones it in and gets lectured for the next 30 years until someone worse pops up.

• Chefs on T.V. always make dinner preparation seem way easier than it is

Star Wars Reads Day

Come on down to Barnes & Noble in Mohegan Lake tomorrow for Star Wars Reads Day, a cross-publisher celebrations of childhood wonder and literacy. We'll be hosting events and prizes, all dressed up to be awesome-slash-ridiculous.


In honor of that, here are three Star Wars jokes I just made up and they are truly, truly corny. Perfect for the children we are trying to teach to love IV-VI and loathe I-III, just like we held our parents' prejudices ourselves.


Q: How many Sith lords does it take to change a lightsaber?

A: Two. Always two, there are.


Q: Why did the Wookie cross the road?

A: Why ever he wanted to, no one's gonna stop him.


Q: Ponda Baba and an R5-unit walk into a bar. The bartender points at the droid and says to Baba, "Your droid, we don't serve their kind here. You'll have to secure it outside." Baba says, "Could you give me a hand?"