On A Certain Point of View

Obi-Wan said it best; it's all dependent on your point of view.

Driving around last night I wound up behind a truck with little blue letters made out of tape stuck along it's rear.

To one side,
"JUST,"

To the other,

"DIVORCED."
We all honked and cheered for this man. At least somebody can laugh at himself.

The photo was shit. I've highlighted the relevant portions for you.

Things Which Can Grow Inside A Person

Things Which Can Grow Inside A Person:

I recently read from the BBC a story in which a man in Massachusetts went into the hospital expecting a cancer diagnosis after suffering from emphysema for an extended period. It was not a tumor growing inside him, but rather

• A pea:
  
  
  
• A watermelon seed:
  
  
  
• Worms:
  
  
  
• Bamboo:
  
  
  
• Syphilis.
  

On Skinny Jeans

I don't understand skinny jeans; I'm just going to put that out there.

It doesn't make a lot of sense, really. I'm an ectomorph. That's fitness nerd talk for "skinny bitch." If you can find a pair of pants made for a living, breathing adult, I can squeeze into them without looking horrible. I mean I'll look like an asshole, but I'll look like a sexy and stylish asshole.

(Totally not me here)

I still don't get the appeal, though. Let's face it, I look damned good in pretty much anything that flaunts my inability to become as obese as the rest of America. I stand a better chance of hooking up with European girls who are more used to skinny pale men with face/body hair. (You know, the post-pubescent look that hasn't been in vogue around here recently.)

I guess it's peacocking, a form of mating display likely developed by people shaped like me who wanted to show off that they were not overweight bastards. Half the time your junk is on display anyway.

However, this is an incredibly stupid trend. Like foot binding or neck elongation in women of the Far East and Africa, respectively, it deforms the body. Yes, let's starve ourselves and then cut off blood flow to our lower extremities and reproductive organs.

Oh yes, let's not forget the reproductive organs just yet. How they're always on display? Yeah, not such a great idea unless you've got some serious genitalia or a third sock lying around. No point in showing off an under-ripened plantain, especially when you've effectively ended it's usefulness. Don't peacock and petite cock, dudes. Bad form.

Am I just biased? I mean, back in the seventies was when this whole tight pants thing started. Are my beliefs just colored by a long history of early-to-mid-nineties baggy fashion? No. No, that's not the case. You know why? Because baggy, concealing clothes stopped being sexy in like 1868. Baggy clothes do not contribute to the hypersexualization of our children like the Junior Miss department inside The Deb.

Oh, wait, that only hypersexualizes our little girls. Clearly skinny fit toddler boy denim is the more heinous crime, here.

(Yeah, I know those are all girls. I think those are all girls. But trust me, there were boy's skinny jeans too.)

On Hypocrisy

I'm thinking of marketing a line of purity cock rings to fundamentalist Christian leaders.

What I'd do is melt down a bunch of used silver purity rings from pregnant teenagers and recycle them. Might make my thirty pieces. Also, it'd protect you from having unprotected sex with hot vampire ladies.

Things I Have Learned From True Blood

"Is that an umlaut in your name or are you just happy to see me?"


Things I Have Learned From True Blood:

• If you can't name the last time you saw boobies using only the days of the week, you are doing something terribly, terribly wrong with your life.
  
  
• Every relationship is comprised of one codependent dreamer and one fuckhead. Look critically to determine which of you is the fuckhead.

  If you watch True Blood, you will be very sad to learn you are not the fuckhead.

• Hypothetically, go down to the hardware store and then hypothetically rent a chainsaw. It's cheap and by-the-hour.
  
  
• The only types of fucking are break-up-sex, revenge-sex, hate-sex, reunion-sex, make-up-sex and terror-sex. No one on Earth has ever actually "made love."

  It's not good sex until someone bleeds. Or both of you. But make a habit of it and things will quickly grow stale. Also, cold and clammy. Which leads us back to the chainsaw.

• There are no ugly strippers in Louisiana.
  

On Death and W.C. Fields

We held my grandfather's funeral today. It was all very tasteful, small, but one glaring irregularity struck me.

The rabbi on hand sounded exactly like Jay Leno doing his W.C. Fields impersonation.

At first I couldn't place it, likely due to the fact that he was speaking Hebrew, but in my own defense I couldn't understand anything he said by rote in English immediately after. So it took a while. When I tried to place the sound-alike I got this:

That would be Mayor Manx from Swat Kats, a show about renegade fighter pilots being deputized into law enforcement for their heroic efforts in building a fighter jet and flying it through the city without clearance shooting at mystical, biological, and technological monstrosities. Oh, also, they're all anthropomorphic cats.

It wasn't exactly smooth sailing trying to Google search who Manx's voice was based on while driving in a funeral procession. Eventually Fields' name popped up in some creative Googling and I forewent the traditional Facepalm of Obviousness for not crashing my car into the hearse or anyone else in front of me.

This rabbi, though? Not nearly as interesting as W.C. Fields. You know what Field's own tombstone reads?

"All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

A Further Thought On Twilight

"Well, I hear the books are better than the movies?"
"Yeah, but crap that's better than shit is still crap, y'know?"


I think I've come up with another reason why Twilight is awful. (For those counting, this would be reason number umpteen-million and three.)

Consider this: I have heard no stories of young children being abducted by pedophiles who have used Twilight to lure them away.

Star Wars? Sure. Harry Potter? Disney's anything? Barney, even? All of those have gotten many a pedophile some jail time. Twilight? I haven't heard a peep about it. I've heard more from furries empowered by are then vamps and were-people than I have from pedophiles.

And really, that's frightening. It's a story about young girls falling in love with considerably older, pale, skinny men who are antagonized by buff jock-types and oppressive laws. This should be fodder for pedos. They should be buying body glitter by the palette. Instead, nothing. Not even a spike in lip gloss sales.


Twilight is so awful even pedophiles won't read it. Shit.