Friday, August 13, 2010

On Skinny Jeans

I don't understand skinny jeans; I'm just going to put that out there.

It doesn't make a lot of sense, really. I'm an ectomorph. That's fitness nerd talk for "skinny bitch." If you can find a pair of pants made for a living, breathing adult, I can squeeze into them without looking horrible. I mean I'll look like an asshole, but I'll look like a sexy and stylish asshole.
(Totally not me here)

I still don't get the appeal, though. Let's face it, I look damned good in pretty much anything that flaunts my inability to become as obese as the rest of America. I stand a better chance of hooking up with European girls who are more used to skinny pale men with face/body hair. (You know, the post-pubescent look that hasn't been in vogue around here recently.)

I guess it's peacocking, a form of mating display likely developed by people shaped like me who wanted to show off that they were not overweight bastards. Half the time your junk is on display anyway.

However, this is an incredibly stupid trend. Like foot binding or neck elongation in women of the Far East and Africa, respectively, it deforms the body. Yes, let's starve ourselves and then cut off blood flow to our lower extremities and reproductive organs.

Oh yes, let's not forget the reproductive organs just yet. How they're always on display? Yeah, not such a great idea unless you've got some serious genitalia or a third sock lying around. No point in showing off an under-ripened plantain, especially when you've effectively ended it's usefulness. Don't peacock and petite cock, dudes. Bad form.

Am I just biased? I mean, back in the seventies was when this whole tight pants thing started. Are my beliefs just colored by a long history of early-to-mid-nineties baggy fashion? No. No, that's not the case. You know why? Because baggy, concealing clothes stopped being sexy in like 1868. Baggy clothes do not contribute to the hypersexualization of our children like the Junior Miss department inside The Deb.

Oh, wait, that only hypersexualizes our little girls. Clearly skinny fit toddler boy denim is the more heinous crime, here.

(Yeah, I know those are all girls. I think those are all girls. But trust me, there were boy's skinny jeans too.)

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