Ruseel Brand's Mistress

I read today that Katy Perry has been devastated and declared her entire marriage (which as far as I knew ended amiably and without incident) a sham, after discovering soon-to-be ex-husband Russel Brand had had an affair. Of course the photo was blurry and quite possibly of a completely unrelated woman walking several paces behind him.

Still, how come famous married men always seem to cheat on their smoking hot, famous wives with women who aren't famous but look exactly the same? Barring Ashton Kutcher abandoning his teenage masturbatory phantasy for a scrawny blonde, it's a pretty universal phenomenon. Hell, even Jesse James ended up with a woman vaguely reminiscent of Sandra Bullock, just, you know, badass and kind of a Nazi.

I mean unless that was a photo of Zooey Deschanel. Then Russ just made an honest mistake.

Katy Perry and Russel Brand to Divorce

"Smile, dear God, for the love of Christ smile."

Well there goes one of Hollywood's favorite odd-ball couples.

At the risk of potentially getting a cease and desist letter from Tosh.0 lawyers, "let's see how many jokes we can make in 30 seconds."


"I guess her boyfriend did mind it."

"Alright, this facade is getting a little difficult to keep up."

"Why would anyone ever want to divorce a person whose head is made of cotton candy?"

"If two obscenely wealthy celebrities with private jets can't make a bi-continental relationship, what hope is there for the rest of us?"

"I guess he got tired of her spraying her whipped cream boobs all over other guys."

"Being a recovering addict must be so hard when your wife acts like a stoned high schooler and looks like an acid trip you went on while playing Candyland."

"This is a major blow to inter-Muppet marriage equality."

"I always figured being that outlandish on camera, Katy Perry must be horrible in the sac. Turns out she's too stodgy even for and Englishman."

"I wonder if they're also getting divorced inside a tiger sanctuary."

"Yeah, okay, that's about how we feel too."

Things Katy Perry Did Last Friday Night

1. Performed the Houston Toyota Center in Texas.

2. Clung to relevance riding on the coattails of Rebecca Black.

3. Made out with an alien.

3. Made out with an illegal alien?

3. Made out with Russel Brand.

3. Didn't make out with another girl, so who really cares?