How to Tell If Yours Is Not the One True Religion

• No one ever photographs you silhouetted against a backdrop of streaming, radiant light.

• You actually get to see the zombie apocalypse, but your neighbor disappeared in a blinding flash of light.

• The last time you skipped church, booming, ominous choruses of trumpets didn't signal your soul's eternal damnation.

• Your religion encourages you to murder anyone for any reason.

• You are required to convert others just to be considered a good person.

• The first time you made love, the crucifix nailed to your wall fell down and hit you on the head.

• You have to pull into a gas station because your car lit up a "check soul" light.

• You had gay sex outside the missionary position while using birth control with an atheist member of another skin tone after getting drunk on stolen sacramental wine on the Sabbath, and baby Jesus still didn't cry.

•  You are Tom Cruise.

An eCard for Mayor Bloomberg

Hopefully this is the one that goes viral and catapults my into the Big Time.

Photoshop Disasters: Badvertising

This is a car magazine. You will notice two things:

Secondarily, the girl does not fit on the hood of that car. Not unless she is a giant with a spine that is not constrained to three special dimensions or is otherwise elongated in such a way as to appear normal from this perspective but would for the side appear diagonally and bulbous.

More importantly, you would notice a sexy woman on the cover of this auto publication.

Why is she even there? Aren't gear heads supposed to already get a woody from photos of a vintage Woodie? Why implement the sex factor at all?

Because cars are boring, even to car nerds.

Do you know what's on the cover of Star Wars Insider? Star Wars characters. They almost never use bikini princess Leia. Because nerds nerd-out over over what they're into. They don't need assurance that they're manly and virile, mostly because they observantly doubt that.

Here's the simple equation:

If there's an attractive person on the cover, there's nothing in the magazine worth paying for.