How to Tell If Yours Is Not the One True Religion

• No one ever photographs you silhouetted against a backdrop of streaming, radiant light.

• You actually get to see the zombie apocalypse, but your neighbor disappeared in a blinding flash of light.

• The last time you skipped church, booming, ominous choruses of trumpets didn't signal your soul's eternal damnation.

• Your religion encourages you to murder anyone for any reason.

• You are required to convert others just to be considered a good person.

• The first time you made love, the crucifix nailed to your wall fell down and hit you on the head.

• You have to pull into a gas station because your car lit up a "check soul" light.

• You had gay sex outside the missionary position while using birth control with an atheist member of another skin tone after getting drunk on stolen sacramental wine on the Sabbath, and baby Jesus still didn't cry.

•  You are Tom Cruise.

Holloywood Secrets #441

If you party extra hard…

 … one day …

… an enormous washed-up celebrity will be in your wedding party.

An eCard for Mayor Bloomberg

Hopefully this is the one that goes viral and catapults my into the Big Time.

Keeping In Touch

I'm working on keeping in touch with my ex-girlfriends nowadays. I used to try for a while and eventually they'd fall by the wayside, but not anymore. I've come up with a new solution: direct mailer family newsletter.

My aunt sends one of these out every year to give everybody a Cliff's Notes of what happened in the past year. It's a pretty brilliant idea, really.

First I get a photo of me, so they know what it is as soon as they open it. Let's make sure it's  picture of my looking cool, and having fun so they know we're all good even now. And make sure I'm wearing nice clothes, this is going out to a lot of people, after all.

The girls need to know that I have friends and I still consider them in that group. We should include other people in the photo so it doesn't look so much like a headshot. Maybe some other girls so they know I'm not pining over them. Pretty ones, too. That way they don't think, "What was I ever doing with him?" Yeah, that one up top should be fine.

Then on the back, or inside if I need room, we just do tasteful little summaries of my year, major job changes, life plans and such.

This year we had some ups and downs. Mom broke her kneecap on some ice but her physical therapists are already marveling at how quickly she's recovering.

We also added Jessica and Carol to our little circle (though not at the same time! – Sigh), so they'll be CC'd this year and from now on. Hi, girls! Jess is going back for her master's, and we wish her great luck. Carol has since moved to Philly with her new boyfriend who's a pilot! We're all taking bets on when they adopt their first terrier.

Yearly test results came back clean, as usual, so once again you all dodge an awkward phone call.
Shoutouts this year to Mel, Caitlyn, Tammy, and Joqueesha for their local production of The Vagina Monologues. It was really sweet of them to invite all of us, and especially putting us in the thank-yous of the playbill.

Best of luck to you all! And as always, I've seen you naked.

-Dave

Ways to Describe My Beard

• One week into a really bad breakup

• My head-start on No-Shave November

• For that matter, my all-year tribute to the mighty ball sac

• Chia-Face

• Cousin Itt bukakke

• In a completely different way: A Japanese man's wet dream

• Your girlfriend who shaved for you for Valentine's day, on March 1st

• Waffle Fries (because it's so bad, but feels so good)

• That weird button you found in the wash, in that you're afraid to ever really get rid of it

• Sampson's Mane

• Hipster's ski mask

• Lopsided and shitty

Endless Asian

So we're watching an episode of Always Sunny In Philadelphia and the joke is that the little North Korean waitress is actually 12 years old.

The trouble is, we were all hedging bets on the actress' real age. I said 20. Mike said "at least 21." Jay's guess was a lowball around 18ish. It's completely up in the air. Could be anything.

The joke stands. There's just something about homo Sapiens of Mongoloid descent that just gives you such terrific skin and bone structure. It's phenomenal. Bravo, universe.

It's like my organic milk. That stuff stays good for months. I've never seen it go bad, but I know it happens eventually.

Asian women at eighteen until they're thirty, thirty until they're eighty, and then they're 104.

One day, Lucy Liu is going to become 4'10, 3 feet around, and lose half her teeth, and then she'll play the witchy great-great grandmother in Hong Kong sword-and-sorcery flicks for another two decades.

For the record, the actress who plays Sun-Li in "The North Korean Situation"? Her name is Tania Gunadi. She's 29.