Thursday, January 24, 2013

I am apparently a sexist, hypocritical bastard

People who look like this don't get jobs as waitresses.
They get a million dollars for talking funny and getting naked every three episodes.

I hate seeing so many pretty people on TV.

Alright, obviously that's a lie. Maybe vitriol, if I can save some face. I'm tired of seeing average people on TV dating or married to smoking hot individuals (The League, any family dinner-comedy, and every show where a fat comedian is married with the exceptions of Roseanne [giving her a hot husband would have been disingenuous and double-standards prevented it from seeming believable] and Mike and Molly [which I'll get to in a second]). I'm also tired of seeing gorgeous people having hard lives as if they didn't know they were gorgeous. (True Blood, The New Girl, Two Broke Girls, etc.)

Do you know what happens when you grow up pretty and outgoing?

You become a successful actress. Brooding and Tortured Guy doesn't hang around playing video games all day in his boxers, he grows up and works three jobs in between auditions until he lands a gig opposite Zooey Deschanel for a couple seasons making good money. And yeah, in his free time then he plays Call of Duty in his skivvies. But he's not clinically depressed about never meeting girls.

The nerds on The Big Bang Theory date gorgeous women. Haha, joke joke, everyone's pretty on TV. Yes. Everyone. Even the ugly people on TV aren't that ugly. Hell, Ugly Betty was pretty cute, they just did a major reverse-montage on her every episode, like watching a high school prom movie backwards. We're creating neurotic children with impossible perceptions of beauty because we just don't like to look at anyone who isn't uncommonly attractive in our leisure time.

And yet I don't like Mike and Molly. I don't like looking at Ron Howard's brother on The League. I have no interest in watching any of the women from Bridesmaids in any of the things they have ever been in, including that amazing film I still haven't seen, simply because I do not find myself enjoying looking at them.

I've been sucked into this scheme as much as everyone else, so all I can do is propose this:

Let us hold ourselves to a higher standard than we have, so perhaps there will be fewer obese, slothful, unhealthy people in the real world.

And let us hold others to a standard lower, so that we will see beauty in unaugmented human beings who genuinely try to be their best.

Also, let's murder anyone who starred in a reality show just because they were famous for being famous. I figure that's gotta give us a leg-up.

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