I am apparently a sexist, hypocritical bastard

People who look like this don't get jobs as waitresses.
They get a million dollars for talking funny and getting naked every three episodes.

I hate seeing so many pretty people on TV.

Alright, obviously that's a lie. Maybe vitriol, if I can save some face. I'm tired of seeing average people on TV dating or married to smoking hot individuals (The League, any family dinner-comedy, and every show where a fat comedian is married with the exceptions of Roseanne [giving her a hot husband would have been disingenuous and double-standards prevented it from seeming believable] and Mike and Molly [which I'll get to in a second]). I'm also tired of seeing gorgeous people having hard lives as if they didn't know they were gorgeous. (True Blood, The New Girl, Two Broke Girls, etc.)

Do you know what happens when you grow up pretty and outgoing?

You become a successful actress. Brooding and Tortured Guy doesn't hang around playing video games all day in his boxers, he grows up and works three jobs in between auditions until he lands a gig opposite Zooey Deschanel for a couple seasons making good money. And yeah, in his free time then he plays Call of Duty in his skivvies. But he's not clinically depressed about never meeting girls.

The nerds on The Big Bang Theory date gorgeous women. Haha, joke joke, everyone's pretty on TV. Yes. Everyone. Even the ugly people on TV aren't that ugly. Hell, Ugly Betty was pretty cute, they just did a major reverse-montage on her every episode, like watching a high school prom movie backwards. We're creating neurotic children with impossible perceptions of beauty because we just don't like to look at anyone who isn't uncommonly attractive in our leisure time.

And yet I don't like Mike and Molly. I don't like looking at Ron Howard's brother on The League. I have no interest in watching any of the women from Bridesmaids in any of the things they have ever been in, including that amazing film I still haven't seen, simply because I do not find myself enjoying looking at them.

I've been sucked into this scheme as much as everyone else, so all I can do is propose this:

Let us hold ourselves to a higher standard than we have, so perhaps there will be fewer obese, slothful, unhealthy people in the real world.

And let us hold others to a standard lower, so that we will see beauty in unaugmented human beings who genuinely try to be their best.



Also, let's murder anyone who starred in a reality show just because they were famous for being famous. I figure that's gotta give us a leg-up.

War on Christmas | Day 8: Lascivious Crooners

Duets are typically not worth the time it takes to hit the skip button. Neither old standards suitable for AM radio, nor generally any music by Zooey Deschanel, much as I love looking at her when she doesn't have bangs.



However, I have a soft spot in my head heart for "Baby, It's Cold Outside." It's cute, it's boppy but not poppy, it's got snow and drinking and sexy music, disobeying parental and societal regulations … it's basically the Footloose of Christmas season songs.

However, if the woman singing the "Mouse" lines can't manage to be flirtatious enough to work with the "Wolf" singer, she just comes off kind of earnestly fearful of being trapped in a snowstorm and romantically assaulted. This is not something we should be okay with in an oft-covered easy listening hit.

I can't find any mention of it, so my ear is obviously off on this one, but I would swear at work I have been hearing a Frank Sinatra version of this song. It's definitely not, maybe another Rat Packer or emulator, but it doesn't particularly matter to this discussion because the important issue is that–best I can tell–this version was sung as a solo.

And not "guy sings the main part, chorus/random voice quietly peeps out the back line," no. This "Frank" sings the Wolf lines only, and unless the treble has been completely stripped from the track, there is no Mouse singer. Yes, it's just some guy monologuing to some woman who cannot voice her opinions, cajoling and berating her, rapaciously grasping at her presence.

Christmas should never be associated with an adjective like "date-rape-y."

The Fifth Roommate

"Aw, you got me a career choice that isn't
sad or shameful! How Sweet!"

There are four friends. One starts dating a new person. This person is now the "fifth roommate." I'm stealing this phrasing from The New Girl, but I'm certain the idea is comparatively ancient.

There's something to be said both for loving and despising a friend's partner. Loving them means you've got a kickass new friend. Hating them means you don't have to worry about picking sides if there's a break-up; your loyalties are and always have been perfectly clear.

Of course, liking them means that in the eventuality of a break-up, you've got to choose sides or risk removing yourself from both individuals' companies enough to not fully alienate both. This accomplishes pretty much the opposite of its own goal.

I've tried all those options. Personally, I like hating on the sig-oths. It makes everything very easy considering most of my friends weren't in even remotely permanent-looking relationships until a few years ago. It was just generally understood that you'd eventually stop dating the other person, either amiably or viciously. Now everything's complicated by babies and tax breaks.

Worse, now life is complicated by actively enjoying the company of my friends' boyfriends and girlfriends. I would willingly seek to hang out with them on my own.

And, somehow, I feel like this is still better than safely hating and spreading negativity before, during, or after any relationship. Simplicity is wonderful for happy things, reductive for the negatives.

On Katy Perry

This is a little amusement dedicated to Prof. Ryan Vaughan of Binghamton University, whose voice grated through my head as I wrote the entire thing.

Vaughan's Theory states that every song is in fact only one-half of a two-sided conversation, the other 50% of which we are not normally privy to. What follows is the entirety of the conversation from which Katy Perry drew her hit single "Hot N Cold."


You change your mind
-Okay.
Like a girl changes clothes
-You do have a lot of shoes.
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
-Fuck you, I'm sick, I'm allowed to be a little moody.
I would know
-Apparently.
And you over think
-[shrug] It's my one flaw. Always speak cryptically -How is “Can you please pick me up some tissues?” cryptic? Are the directions to RiteAid secretly hidden in the Mona Lisa? I should know That you're no good for me -Dude, I told you not to come over if you were worried about catching it. I'm not taking the heat on this. 'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-[Blows nose] I'm sorry, that's clearly my bad. You're yes then you're no
-What? You're in and you're out -Of the bathroom maybe. I'm heaving like your mom's ample rack. You're up and you're down
-Did I pass out? Huh? You're wrong when it's right
-Isn't angry sex the best? It's black and it's white -Well, I'm down with the sistas, but if you wanna start something it's gotta be two-girls. We fight, we break up
-Well yeah, you're crazy, but I kinda like that. We kiss, we make up -I … don't think you want to kiss my right now. I'm kind of mucus-y. You, you don't really wanna stay, no
-I really wanna go to the Doctor. You, but you don't really wanna go, oh
-No, I really kinda do. I sneezed brown yesterday.
'Cause you're hot then you're cold -We discussed this. I have a fever. It's pretty bad, actually. You're yes then you're no
-What are you saying?? You're in and you're out -For Chrissake I got it coming out of both ends, here! My colon is treating me like Kenan Thompson on Saturday Night Live, in that it shits all over everything I once loved. You're up and you're down - … I'm staring to get dizzy. We used to be just like twins, so in sync
-That's kinda hot, actually. The same energy now's a dead battery -They're rechargeable. It's more eco-friendly. Or do you not love our mother earth?? Used to laugh 'bout nothing -I was hallucinating that I had a girlfriend who'd actually bring me Vick's Vaporub and not smear it over her vag before making out with other chicks at clubs instead of me, which by the way was totally hot the first couple times you did it, but now, yes, in fact as your boyfriend I do mind it.
Now you're plain boring
-I've been in bed for four days, what do you want from me?
I should know
-Really? Because you didn't call me once, except to say that you made out with four more chicks on your way home.
That you're not gonna change
-What? Of course I will. It's a cold, you dumb bitch. I'm not terminal. It's not like I caught a fatal case of Whore's Mouth from you. We bought that dental dam shit for a reason.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-I'M SICK!
You're yes then you're no
-WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING??
You're in and you're out
-Seriously? It's like someone strapped a Super Soaker to my asshole and filled the tank with frothy mud and some wildlife. I think I saw a squirrel crawl out of the toilet yesterday. He stole my Mountain Dew.
You're up and you're down
-Could you at least try to catch me? Or, like put a pillow on the floor behind me?
You're wrong when it's right
-If I am, it's the recurring head-injuries.
It's black and it's white
-Alright. Fine. It can be two guys, but we stay on opposite ends of the boat and the aft section of the S.S. Slutbag is off limits to unauthorized personnel.
We fight, we break up
-I'm liking this part more and more the more you keep talking.
We kiss, we make up
-Really? Do you have a medical fetish I don't know about?
You, you don't really wanna stay, no
-Now you're catching on.
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh
-Aaaaand you're off again.

You're hot then you're cold
-[Sad] You never listen to me. You never listen!
You're yes then you're no
-I really feel like the clear-headed one in this relationship.
You're in and you're out
-Can we PLEASE stop talking about my bowels?
You're up and you're down
-Is it even possible for you to touch another human being without grinding your cooch at the same time?

Someone call the doctor
-IT'S ABOUT TIME!
Got a case of a love bipolar
-NO FUCKING SHIT! Can he prescribe meds? Does he have a partner who specializes in Dumbbitchectomies?
Stuck on a rollercoaster
- … So you stopped taking the meds, huh?
Can't get off this ride
- Normally, I'd tell you Zoloft would do the job, but right now I'm just too fucking tired.

You change your mind
-For once, you're right.
Like a girl changes clothes
- … Clean out your side of the closet.
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-Yeah, about that, I'm starting to think this is a case of Whore's Mouth.
You're yes then you're no
-No, it's just no, now.
You're in and you're out
-Get out. Get the fuck out of my house. Get. The fuck. Out.
You're up and you're down
-Take the goddamn elevator for all I care. It's over.
You're wrong when it's right
-[serious] I really don't think so.
It's black and it's white
-You already fucked a black guy and this is just you needling me about it, isn't it? … Y'know, if I didn't have a huge cock I'd be pretty upset right now.
We fight, we break up
-About that? Yeah, this nurse down at the clinic slipped me her phone number on my way out a few days ago. I didn't throw it out right there, just to be nice, but now I think I'm gonna ask her out for coffee. She seems nice and she has easy access to prescription medications.
We kiss, we make up
-Yeah, this time seems pretty definitive.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
-Feeling pretty fuckin' cold right now. I think we're done here.
You're yes then you're no
-It's over. I really hope you can find the help you need. I'm just not prepared to give it anymore.
You're in and you're out
-Of your vagina, maybe!
You're up and you're down
-Sorry, I'm just not in any condition to put up with this right now.
You're wrong when it's right
-You keep saying that, but your arguments are haphazard at best. Maybe if you had your Zoloft it'd work out better for you, but I'm pretty sure arguing against someone breaking up with you is an uphill battle.
It's black and it's white
-Your dripping, necrotic Whore Sores?
We fight, we break up
-HEEEEY! Look who just joined the conversation!
We kiss, we make up
-Alright, maybe one last snog for the road. I'm pretty sure you can't get double-Whore's Mouth, but this time you don't get to act like you don't like it when I sneak around your back door.

You, but you don't really wanna stay, oh
-No, I don' want you to stay!
You, you don't really wanna go, no
-Look, this is my house. Just get your stuff and be gone by the time I get back from the CVS Pharmacy.
You're hot then you're cold
-Okay, I know I'm starting to give some mixed messages but you gotta understand, Katy Perry, you're pretty fucking hot.
You're yes then you're no
-The only 'yes,' here, is for informed consent, but if you don't seriously bolt after this hot break-up sex we're having I'm gonna cry rape and use the nanny-cam footage as leverage to get you forcibly locked in the Psych Ward on Riker's Island.
You're in and you're out
-Oh, you like that, don'tchu, you dirty bitch?
You're up and you're down, down, down, down...
-But you like going down … in my pants. Yeah, I went there.