We Are the 1%

Alright, Maybe I'll Go Organic Just This Once

I'll bite, I pay a little more for my organic milk, even with cheaper options. I don't do that on anything, unless the quality is legitimately, markedly better in a verifiable way, and even then the price has to be in the realm of reasonableness.

Nope, this milk is like $4.27 a half-gallon.

But whatever. One benefit is that "No antibiotics, artificial hormones, preservatives, laxatives, fertilizer, MSG, whatever" sticker means my skin cleared the hell up when I switched in college. I'm a big fan of less not-food in my food. Condiments out the cow's wazoo, but I don't need bovine growth hormone.

I need human growth hormone, geeze.

Of course, the side benefit is that this stuff lasts way longer than 'regular' milk should, though I suppose this is more 'regular' in a sense. But, like, way longer. I'm regularly seeing dates three weeks to a month later than the plain, chemically enhanced milk.

• Financial takeaway: You will see a small return as you purchase more expensive milk, but never once throw any away for going bad. Over years, this accumulates and you may end up saving money in the long run.

• Medical takeaway:

 What the fuck are they putting in my old milk to make it die faster??

Drink Your Milk, Become Bruce Willis

It's true, I'm essentially Unbreakable.

I get sick a little more often then I did as a kid, but then again, I'm a hell of a lot more active than I was as a kid. I'm also, you know, in contact with people these days.

Would you like to know the secret? It's nothing, really. Just a freakishly fast metabolism and milk.

Lots of milk. So much milk that before the age of 14 people look confused when you drink anything else. Enough that buying less than a full gallon every couple days is irresponsible.

Listen, I've made my point. I make it a lot better when I can rest my forearm on a level surface and smash my opposing fist into it without repercussion, but I've made it.

I'm a grown man, and I'm allowed to order milk with dessert if I want to. There, I said it.