On A Serving Size

Truthfully, one "serving size" of any packaged food is not satisfying. If you really want to feel full and contented after indulging in processed snack foods of any variety, here's a handy conversion for you.

1. Take the "recommended" serving size

2. Multiply it by 1.5

3. You're done.

I know, that one seems difficult, but it works. Every time. Two Fig Newtons, Bryan Regan? As much as I too enjoy eating them by the sleeve, I can stop after three and not be miserable for the rest of the day. If I go to four, well, I'm probably going to be miserable for a completely different reason. Wash id down with an 8oz glass of milk? Try 12oz, you'll feel better. Ever notice you always have a little soda left in that 20oz bottle you really need to belch before chugging down? That's because it's 2oz more than the 18 your wanted when a 12 was too little.

Look, I'm not saying it was right of me to eat that entire box of Spongebob-shaped Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for breakfast at three o'clock, I'm just saying it seemed a shame to waste that last recommended serving when it wouldn't satisfy even once after this.

Drink Your Milk, Become Bruce Willis

It's true, I'm essentially Unbreakable.

I get sick a little more often then I did as a kid, but then again, I'm a hell of a lot more active than I was as a kid. I'm also, you know, in contact with people these days.

Would you like to know the secret? It's nothing, really. Just a freakishly fast metabolism and milk.

Lots of milk. So much milk that before the age of 14 people look confused when you drink anything else. Enough that buying less than a full gallon every couple days is irresponsible.

Listen, I've made my point. I make it a lot better when I can rest my forearm on a level surface and smash my opposing fist into it without repercussion, but I've made it.

I'm a grown man, and I'm allowed to order milk with dessert if I want to. There, I said it.

On Avocados

Every time I place avocados back into the "FRUIT" bin in my refrigerator, the tomatoes stare at me accusingly.

I don't know why I keep caving to societal pressure and leave them in the vegetable bin, all I know is they've got to be pretty mad at this point.