Just Why? | Bailey's Non-Alcoholic Coffee Creamers

A commercial for these randomly accosted me while I was innocently attempting to watch The Parent Trap.

Perhaps I feel more strongly about this issue because I don't actually drink coffee, but correct me if I'm wrong: the very purpose of Bailey's Irish Cream is to make coffee and other brewed beverages subversively alcoholic.

Why wo-

Um, wait. Hold o-

Wha- No.

Okay, I've had Bailey's on-the-rocks and in chocolate, mostly hot but I think I've done a Nesquik here or there. Predominantly, it's been mixed in equal parts to Jameson and dropped down a half-a-pint of Guinness to create the nefarious "Irish Car Bomb." (Officially taboo of in Ireland. Unsurprisingly, they're a bit touchy on the subject. Er, digressions….)

I get it, you're trying to branch out into the mainstream coffee creamer industry. Fiscally, and easy transition and a cool bump in profits. That's cool.


And Sasha Grey is going to have a spectacular career in Hollywood now that she's retired from making porn to focus on legitimate acting.

Drink Your Milk, Become Bruce Willis

It's true, I'm essentially Unbreakable.

I get sick a little more often then I did as a kid, but then again, I'm a hell of a lot more active than I was as a kid. I'm also, you know, in contact with people these days.

Would you like to know the secret? It's nothing, really. Just a freakishly fast metabolism and milk.

Lots of milk. So much milk that before the age of 14 people look confused when you drink anything else. Enough that buying less than a full gallon every couple days is irresponsible.

Listen, I've made my point. I make it a lot better when I can rest my forearm on a level surface and smash my opposing fist into it without repercussion, but I've made it.

I'm a grown man, and I'm allowed to order milk with dessert if I want to. There, I said it.

On Spoons

I never really drank hot beverages growing up, save for some pre-made hot cocoa of course, and I only ever used the small fork and small spoon because I was a tiny child. I still almost exclusively use tea spoons and salad forks, but for a few things here or there I bust out the soup spoon. (Mixing heaping spoonfuls of Tang, anyone?)

Well the whole system got thrown out of whack when I started drinking hot tea. I even add milk and sugar/honey, so a spoon is absolutely necessary. And every time I reach into the utensil drawer for a spoon I have to remember which one to use.

"This is a Different Thing, right? So I need to use the Different Spoon? Is that how this works? No, no, I think I use the little spoon. Which is that again? The teaspoon? Damn, I really hope it's the teaspoon and not the tablespoon…."

And then I remember that I'm an idiot.

On Man Repairs

All men are going to agree with this statement:

There are exactly 5 ways for a man to fix something:

Hitting
Prying
Sticking
Bending
Cutting

That's it. Every fix ever is one or more of those..

Today I tried a Japanese soft drink called Ramune. It's sealed with a little glass marble which you pop down into the bottle using a plastic stopper. Afterward I wanted the marble. I then spent about half an hour trying to pry off the top, cut through it and bend it awkwardly until–eventually–I gave up, placed the glass bottle daintily in a plastic bag and hit it with a hammer. Marble in 3.5 seconds. I hit all the Fix Plans other than taping the thing, but I finally found the one that worked. Certainly it was not as classy a solution as I intended, but it has its own simplistic elegance, I believe.

Before that I "fixed" my new desk chair. Turns out it was not broken. Rather, I had not learned how to utilize its many functions properly. A few minutes and a screwdriver-used-as-a-prybar later, well, let's just say I'm now typing from that chair in a relaxed and reclined position.

Yes, sometimes it's as simple as deconstructing how a thing works and then ensuring it functions properly. A couple years back one of my housemates returned home, went to pull her key out of the front door and somehow managed to wrench the key and the deadbolt into unnatural positions. The key we were able to bend back and remove rather easily. And be "we" I mean "I."

What did I end up doing? Well I was an English major, so obviously I had no homework and plenty of free time. I grabbed a couple screwdrivers, a hammer and a pair of pliers and I very carefully took the thing apart one piece at a time, only removing a component after determining its proper function mechanically and geometrically. To this day I do not know how my housemate twisted and bent at a right angle a deadbolt by simply turning her key (best hypothesis: she is an amazon), but I do know I rebuilt an entire deadbolt lock mechanism in a couple hours using only pliers and a hammer.

Pry.
Bend.
Stick.

On Preparedness

My town apparently calls your house with "CODE RED" on the caller ID when a big snow storm is coming.

For the record, "CODE RED" is not telling me the Russians are invading.

They are not telling me there is an intruder alert or to get to my ready station in the transporter bay, or even that I should be drinking more gamer-aimed Mountain Dew.

I was being told not to put out any paper recycling, in case service was canceled in the morning.


I feel so much safer.

12 Reasons to Have A Valentine That Are Not Romantic

Possible 2010 Valentine Card. It's things like this that keep me from associating with normal people.

1. If I'm hungry for chocolate I don't want the guy at the checkout counter eying me suspiciously.
   
   
2. There are a bunch of romantic comedies I've been meaning to rent but I'd feel weird watching them by myself.
   
   
3. My other friends are too cheap to go out to Applebees as often as I'd like.
   
   
4. When I don't receive any cards this year it'll be because I'm considered "off limits," not "an asshole."
   
   
5. I like making chicken cordon bleu, but it's always been a problem that chicken breasts are frozen in packages of two.
   
   
6. Conversations about how it's a holiday manufactured by greedy, soulless corporations will no longer come off as sounding lonely or spiteful.
   
   
7. If someone were to spend, say, $20 on something I've wanted, that is $20 in my pocket I can use for cool other stuff. Like my motorcycle licensing exam. Or space rocks.
   
   
8. When I receive a pretend cell phone call in the liquor store asking me to pick up a bottle of strawberry-kiwi Arbor Mist instead of Sauvignon Blanc, there could actually be someone on the other end of the phone telling me I do not posses the liver of a thirty-one year old mother and housewife who is trying desperately to recapture her youth in the eighties and appear as though she at any point preferred Def Leopard to old Bee Gees records.
   
   
9. I have had my eye on a sexy nightie in the Victoria's Secret window for three weeks now. Shut up. You know I'd look good.
   
   
10. It gives me something to do on a Sunday night.
    
    
11. I have always wanted to have a skywriter under my employ.
    
    
12. I look good in the color red.