On Honest Spamvertising

You know, at least they're honest.


Actually, the sad thing is I'm pretty sure this was the screen name of someone I knew from high school, and it just got hijacked in a hilarious way.

Good thing I only ever use iChat to talk to three friends and about 75 eleven year-old girls.

Spam Subject Lines That Are Worth Your Time

Ever since I found out a Mac's email client has a 'bounce' feature to delete spam mail and send a delivery failure, no known address message to the bot server, I've been pretty excited to get me some spam. However, I've been using Gmail as my primary for years now, so the old POP3 ID doesn't get much play these days. Even if I have to manually delete from the spam folder, knowing I can't stop them from arriving, Gmail has left me a few gems here and there:


Exotic Oriental Fetish

"You might be thinking to yourself, how come an exotic Oriental fetish such as bukkake could..."
– From Lew

I am overwhelmed what can people do with females!

"I came by this website..."
– From rofl penelope

Is this a male or female? I cannot tell. Can you?

"Take a look at the picture..."
– From Paulina Eliot

I learned what females do on a farm. NEVER leave them there unattended!

"Never leave your madam on a farm lone..."
– From Rosamond Lolly

Separation Grounds. Creatures Involved.

"That is the argument Cameron launched the divorce of his spouse. She not..."
– From Harry

Prepare your left hand.

"Make your left hand and a tissue available. Send your gal away. Come forward to...
– From Rudolf Tobias

Beakup Justifications. Animals Involved.

– From Lucas

On Spam Mail 3

This spam response is, I admit, partially lifted from an old Penny Arcade script that I thought was brilliant. You should check them out.

LETTER THE THIRD:


Dear Sirs,

I am not a subscriber. Please remove me from your list and do not send or sell my name to anyone else. If you do I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the ruler of that dark place.
From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one.
When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming, as if from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin.
I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.

En nomine Samael,
The Reverend D.E. Zucker

On Spam Mail 2

SPAM REPLY LETTER THE SECOND


Dear _________,

What you are doing borders on criminal, the only saving grace of which is that unless
your recipients are stupid enough to give you their banks account numbers, you're not
actually committing mail fraud or embezzlement.
I have not lived at that address for years.
If you ever send me anything again in any format, or if you give my name to anyone else
for any reason and I can trace it back to you, I will hold you, Sir, personally responsible. I will
find an agency to deal with you. I will call or alert them via other means. I will then find you myself. I will trace you, and track you, and hunt you down like a rodent. I will find you and I will beat you. I will want to hurt you, break you, and as you lie on the ground I will kick you in the gonads until you vomit blood and pass out. I will then call the police, who will find you, and they will call the Emergency personal to help you, all the while wasting precious time as your testicles leak their contents into your sacks and abdomens. If you are lucky they will perhaps save one of your testicles. If I am lucky, both will be irreparably damaged and the mixing of your usually separated bodily fluids will cause you to develope a staph infection, that you might die in a hospital bed, miles from what passes for your loved ones, writhing in agony as your own blood slowly poisons you.

May you rot in Hell forever,
David Zucker, REV.

On Spam Mail 1

I never enjoyed getting spam in my inbox.

That's a lie. I used to love it. This would be back when I never really got anything new or interesting. Now it's an annoyance. Frankly, unemployment post-graduation has weeded out a lot of the problems. Gmail took care of the rest, but I still have to see all the emails for erectile dysfunction drugs and dirty Russian sluts being left alone on a farm.

Well, I think I've found the solution to my troubles. You see, I recently came across a series of response emails I write back in the days when I had a lot of free time and not a lot of creative outlets.

So for the next few days, enjoy my angry ramblings and feel free to use them in dealing with the few scammers that are too dumb to leave off a return address.


LETTER THE FIRST:

Dear Sirs,
Please remove me from every mailing list you have and do not distribute my e-mail
address to anyone else. I am tired of receiving spam and blank spam at that. If this e-mail
does not get returned due to your address closing down, please, know this: I hope you die from a staph infection resulting from fornicating yourselves with sharp, rusty farming implements, and that your mothers do not shed one tear at your collected funerals.

Sincerely,
Reverend D.E. Zucker