Monday, February 15, 2010

On Spam Mail 3

This spam response is, I admit, partially lifted from an old Penny Arcade script that I thought was brilliant. You should check them out.


Dear Sirs,

I am not a subscriber. Please remove me from your list and do not send or sell my name to anyone else. If you do I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the ruler of that dark place.
From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one.
When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming, as if from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin.
I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth.

En nomine Samael,
The Reverend D.E. Zucker

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