7 Things You Are Never Allowed to Say in Retail

Cancer Merchants

1. Anything to the effect of, "You can't find the price? It must be free!"

Why: Because fuck you, that's why. We're trying to get you on your way quickly, the machines aren't working right, and it's entirely possible you picked the one without the price tag just to see if it'd ring up at another price. Most likely, you're just filling the awkward silence while we try to sort out your purchase, and we don't need or want to have to respond to a joke that is, truthfully, the rotting, fifty year-old carcass of a dead horse you still insist on beating.

2. "This is probably a stupid question, but…"

Why: You're just emoting humility in an attempt to seem neither ignorant, nor troublesome. Most likely, you've got a very intelligent question and are merely partially informed. A little push and you're golden.

3. "I'm stupid when it comes to [X]."

Why: Yes. Yes, you are. We didn't need the warning. Whatever we had to explain just prior to this utterance was proof enough that you are both out of your element and just barely knowledgeable enough to be dangerous.

Bonus: Note our responses to the above. If we say the word "no," it's just a learning curve and we expect you'll actually get the hang of whatever it is you're doing. However, it's like a fat lady asking you if she looks fat. If you don't hear "no," well, congratulations, we agree that you're an idiot.

4. "I don't want to waste your time."

Why: We're paid to have you waste our time. It's part and parcel with not working in an office. Every second we're with you is just one second we're not doing something equally tedious for someone else, possibly even stupider than you. If we're making smalltalk, actually we'd rather be wasting time with you than who/whatever else is waiting for us.

5. "I'm sorry, could you just [X] again?"


… Yes, but only because we have to or we'd get in trouble. In fact, don't even use the word "just." If a request sounds like it's a lot to ask until the word "just" makes it seem less arduous, it's still exactly that fucking arduous. Accept responsibility for your requests. We are not your servants, but do us the dignity of acknowledging what it is you ask of us.

6. "I know you work for [Company I Am Standing In], but which is better: [Your Product] or [Major Competitor]? Do you gotta say yours?"

Why: I believe in this company, alright? I work here because I respect the integrity and the industry of Our Company in producing the best products and offering the best services in our field, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't truly believe this was the product I should devote my life to hawking day-in and day-out.

Nah, actually, I'd say this one even if I didn't work here. It really is the best for what you're looking for. I just got one for my mom in fact. And we don't earn commission, so you know you can trust me.

7. "Do you make commission?"

Why: No, and please stop reminding us.

Mid-Week Miscellany

In honor of my job giving me off on an idle Wednesday, I'm slacking off on coming up with a long, themed rant for today. Instead, here are a bunch of completely unrelated jokes I wrote while I was at work this past week. If there's any inkling of a thematic thread, that would be "Yes, Timmy, there really are stupid questions."


Printing out a coupon for $10 off an entire cheesecake after the purchase of a fitness book is the commercial equivalent of playing dirty pool.

I said, "Stay dry," because it was raining, but it became very awkward when I realized you were over forty and buying Fifty Shades of Grey."

I went to buy a thing online off of Amazon.co.uk but instead they made me buy it "in queue."

A couple walked past me coming back from my break at the chain bookstore, and the guy asked the girl, "What's your dream job?"My first thought was, "Hey. Fuck you, buddy."

Juxtaposition! Or: Just Foolishly Hypocritical

Generally, the fun of working in a book store comes from mocking the customers. It's retail: functionally, you're living inside an early Kevin Smith film. I mean, face it, odds are in favor of the employee serving you having a humanities degree and a minimum of 15 I.Q. points on you.

Alright, sometimes it's more like 40 points.

Case in point: today a woman bought 50 Shades of Grey. Taken alone, this sentence is like saying, "Today, some things happened and people were breathing a bit," but this is one of those And Then What Happened stories.

She bought 50 Shades along with Heaven Is For Real. For the unaware, this is a book written by a pastor, who claims that his then-4 year old son had an extended near-death experience after emergency surgery. It's a big, yellow book with a picture of a kid who kind of looks like Forrest Gump on the cover. He's missing a tooth, he has no idea how to dress himself or where to put his hands. He's a kid. And he, along with a certain shade of yellow, is now an iconic image for the Christian faith and the power of the love and innocence of Jesus Christ.

This is a wonderful companion to the poorly-written schlock that has been frequently described as "Mommy Porn."


But to be fair, the character's name is Christian Grey, so I guess the Bible Babes Book Club is off the hook this month.