Saturday, June 16, 2012

7 Things You Are Never Allowed to Say in Retail

Cancer Merchants

1. Anything to the effect of, "You can't find the price? It must be free!"

Why: Because fuck you, that's why. We're trying to get you on your way quickly, the machines aren't working right, and it's entirely possible you picked the one without the price tag just to see if it'd ring up at another price. Most likely, you're just filling the awkward silence while we try to sort out your purchase, and we don't need or want to have to respond to a joke that is, truthfully, the rotting, fifty year-old carcass of a dead horse you still insist on beating.

2. "This is probably a stupid question, but…"

Why: You're just emoting humility in an attempt to seem neither ignorant, nor troublesome. Most likely, you've got a very intelligent question and are merely partially informed. A little push and you're golden.

3. "I'm stupid when it comes to [X]."

Why: Yes. Yes, you are. We didn't need the warning. Whatever we had to explain just prior to this utterance was proof enough that you are both out of your element and just barely knowledgeable enough to be dangerous.

Bonus: Note our responses to the above. If we say the word "no," it's just a learning curve and we expect you'll actually get the hang of whatever it is you're doing. However, it's like a fat lady asking you if she looks fat. If you don't hear "no," well, congratulations, we agree that you're an idiot.

4. "I don't want to waste your time."

Why: We're paid to have you waste our time. It's part and parcel with not working in an office. Every second we're with you is just one second we're not doing something equally tedious for someone else, possibly even stupider than you. If we're making smalltalk, actually we'd rather be wasting time with you than who/whatever else is waiting for us.

5. "I'm sorry, could you just [X] again?"

… Yes, but only because we have to or we'd get in trouble. In fact, don't even use the word "just." If a request sounds like it's a lot to ask until the word "just" makes it seem less arduous, it's still exactly that fucking arduous. Accept responsibility for your requests. We are not your servants, but do us the dignity of acknowledging what it is you ask of us.

6. "I know you work for [Company I Am Standing In], but which is better: [Your Product] or [Major Competitor]? Do you gotta say yours?"

Why: I believe in this company, alright? I work here because I respect the integrity and the industry of Our Company in producing the best products and offering the best services in our field, and I wouldn't be here if I didn't truly believe this was the product I should devote my life to hawking day-in and day-out.

Nah, actually, I'd say this one even if I didn't work here. It really is the best for what you're looking for. I just got one for my mom in fact. And we don't earn commission, so you know you can trust me.

7. "Do you make commission?"

Why: No, and please stop reminding us.

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