Your Product Packaging Does Nothing to Instill Me with Confidence

Braun, what are you doing? How can a self-cleaning waterproof shaver be flammable?


Is it … is it the cleaner? Is that flammable? Like just an alcohol base? Or is it powered by a battery of raw, unshielded lithium that, if punctured and released into the environment, would instantly combust upon contact with water, a common bathroom phenomenon? If the latter, I would suggest "combustible" as a more accurate term.

Or maybe, just maybe it's worse. What if the shaver itself were somehow … unstable?

Quickly, everyone, test your Braun power shavers. Do they appear to be made of some otherworldly matter or phase in-and-out of reality when plugged in? Does the constant renewal of the blades appear a parlor trick? Perhaps covering for the truly ageless nature of titanium buzzers from before the dawn of our own universe, from whatever it was that came before time itself held meaning?

If so, I would recommend you find yourself a ninety year old Italian or possibly Armenian man to use a straight razor on you and just call it a day.

Songs About Impossible Measures of Time

25 or 6 to 4 - Chicago




9 in the Afternoon - Panic! at the Disco




Eight Days a Week - The Beatles




Technically, anything by 30 Seconds to Mars. That's a unit of time only assuming you first know both your current speed and the approximate distance to Mars. It's like making the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. We get it, but, yeah, come on.

I'm open to additions!

'Hot Minute' Not Actually Equal to 60 Seconds?

This is awesome. ^©Michael Balasis.

"You know who I haven't seen in a minute?"

My guess is anyone who left this room more than 60 seconds ago, but I'd also surmise that's a wrong guess.

Apparently a "minute" is no longer a minute, but rather an incredibly long time. What?

I mean I know a "New York minute" is supposedly faster than a regular minute, the same as a decimal minute was longer. And I gather a "hot minute" must be something of kin, more than a regular minute in some fashion, as I have the vague understanding that a "hot mess" and a "hot tranny mess" are somehow messier (and possibly less heteronormative) than your typical mess.

Still, it's like people who use "literally" in place of "figuratively," or–as I used to champion–"couple" as a synonym for "few" not necessitating precisely two of anything. The word is being used for something decidedly opposite its actual meaning. A minute I can count in my head. I can look at a watch if I need to. But a MINUTE, well, that'd be more accurately measured by a calendar.

Call a girl phat and watch her bounce on your junk. Tell her she's looking mad stupid ill, fresh, and all kinds of tight up in here. What you're really saying is she's "sexy," "smartly dressed," and "provocative, possibly with a loose vagina." It's all opposites.

I'm not against this, I'm just against white kids using this kind of language since they tend to, you know, enunciate the emphasis out of all the cool slang. "What is up, my negro? Have you heard about Jamal and Taniqua? That bitch be all up in his business like he owes her something, just because he is her baby's daddy. Strumpets, man, they be tripping."

On Time

I prefer to go to sleep around 3 and wake up around noon or noon-thirty. This allows me to see all good or at least culturally relevant television at night, and judge how long I've been awake and working on whatever numerical number hour it is.

Honestly, I have no idea why anyone but agricultural engineers and solor-energy developers work in the day. You wake up between 5 and 7 and go to sleep between 10 and 12? What is that? Those numbers make no sense. Better to sleep when the numbers run out and start getting small again, then wake up when the clock resets at 1. Your day should start at 1.

Who the hell decided that the day starts in literally the exact middle of the night before? I know it wasn't the French, because they tried to introduce "Decimal Time" during their Revolution and make a day of 10 hours of 100 minutes of 100 seconds, but they nixed that with the introduction of the Metric system two years later in 1795, probably because no one was able to count seconds one-fifth faster.

Days of the Week, As Explained by an Unemployed Writer

Monday - The day I can actually finish a New York Times crossword. Oh who am I kidding? The LA Times. Maybe. If I steal one.

Tuesday - Glee is on!

Wednesday - Spend money driving to Dad's house, but get free dinner. Draw.

Thursday - Day I used to get paid.

Friday - Friends might actually want to do something. God, I hope they don't want to go out somewhere that costs money.

Saturday - Day I actually manage to do a little work. Feel accomplished, but depressed I worked over "my weekend." End up avoiding work through Tuesday to compensate.

Sunday - WHY ARE ALL THE STORES CLOSED SO EA- Crap. Oh well, might as well go home and watch Firefly. I can be productive tomorrow….

Most abusive GIF I could find, and it'll probably still get me extra perv-views.