The Deadening

My burps taste of bile and I sneezed before and something amber brown flew out.

No fancy blog tonight. Maybe something else small in the afternoon.

For now, here is a photo I tweeted earlier of a book I found in the men's room. Apparently someone had questions he needed answered, but top much shame to actually buy the title.

U.S. seeks J-Lo's Left Nipple | Missed Connections

"The only malfunction here is my hairdo."

So I completely missed that the Oscars were happening, until I started seeing multiple red carpet tweets from friends in the media industries.

Then I saw two people who are just witty assholes say they saw Jennifer Lopez's nipple.

So that's a thing, again, a celebrity's nipple. Good job. We've proved it exists. If it's like Christina Ricci, I'm going to pretend like this never happened and she is still pristine and unspoiled.

But it raises a question I've had for a while now:

Why has no one created a website dedicated to extrapolating a celebrity's nude form from various partial nip-slips and wardrobe malfunctions and racy Guess Jeans ads I'm sure if I wanted to, I could find shots of J-Lo's side-boob and underboob to match against her notorious cleavage. Really, all I'd be missing in the center, which is really just a little discoloration and a chilly wind away, given the right shirt and some Photoshop. If you really want to be a stickler, toss on Halle Berry's from "Swordfish."

"Breast Guess Dot Com." No, wait, that's already a site to ID celebrity boobs out of context. Really? Alright, well another name would be found. Maybe "Compile-A-Nude" for now.

A little 3D modeling software is all it would take to build this into an HTML-5 web-app. One could load up a bunch of pictures, model them onto the 3D rendering of a famous physique, and BAM! Naked movie stars. It could even be applied to the humdrum and non-famous. There's always that one girl who posts 3,795 inappropriate photos to her facebook feed. Given enough time and enough sources and enough monkeys banging on Wacom tablets, you could have practically anybody naked.

But of course, that would be creepy and wrong, so let's just hope attractive people get horribly embarrassed on television in front of millions of viewers.

Call Me GENERAL Lando

Driving behind a car with the license plate "HOME 1" tonight caused me the desire to pull up next to it, motion to roll down his windows, and shout that I—in my tiny grandma-gold Corolla—am Gold Leader, and that I am "going to start my attack run."
After that I drove directly into the heart of a 280 kilometer wide technological monstrosity of space station.
At which point I wondered why I of all people don't have at least the audio of Star Wars synced onto my iPhone already.

Heterosexuality Deferred

I was supposed to go shopping and then get a fashionable haircut, but that seemed a little gay.

So now I'm standing in line at a lingerie store next to half-naked models for the chance to be one of three dudes in the store, entering a raffle for shopping sprees and shirts and other prizes.

If I don't win the iPad, I really really misjudged the situation here.

Location:Smith Haven Mall,Lake Grove,United States

Tea Fest | Live Blogging

Willford Brimley is having none of this.




Sergeant Pickering is appalled and a little aroused.




It does not work as well, however, when you already have a mustache.

12:54 - Fun Fact: Tea is a diuretic. And NYC deli French toast is a laxative.

12:18 - "Aura Picture Reading." That's bullshit. I know people who can read then right off you, no photo gear. Legit.

12:04 - Bullet energy drink is just Red Bull in a British can. Which makes me wonder if we imported all those english cartoon characters.

11:30 - Barista Competition. Douchey-haired dude in tie talking way too much, severe, podgy German boy with latex gloves straightening everything, and some stoners who it back last week just to save their coffee shop (I guess). Molecular gastronomy. Winners get to harvest coffee themselves. Basically, you become a Mexican migrant worker.

11:20 - bunch of paintings of flowers that are essentially Georgia O'Keefe portraits.

11:17 - teabean - white tea and coffee blend. Spokeswoman is half-black. Apropos.

Location:W 37th St,,United States

Tea & Crumpets

Today I will be attending a tea festival with friends, where I will eat a bunch of free samples and maybe find something tasty to go with my amazingly perfect "Aunty Lilokoa'i" Hawaiian passion fruit honey mustard which is expensive as balls to fly in.

And maybe I will let you taste some of it.

On Swagger

I saw a man walking down the street who had some serious swagger going on. He was swinging his arms, shoulders back and out-of-time with his step. Boy was on his game wearing that black and yellow, leather track jacket, all oversized and baggy.

I think that's the secret, really. The trick to having swagger is just to walk like you're wearing a jacket at least two sized larger than you should be. Gotta keep the torso up and out, high and wide, wear the gate of a child, keep daddy's jacket on.

And I mean, try to look all angry and badass, too.

Don't be like the next guy I saw down the street, suited-up and professional, walking like he's traveling between places, not going somewhere. That guy's got no swagger. He's got power walk. Saunter if he's lucky.

Of course the next person was an old lady with what I could only describe as "shuffle," so power-walk while you still can, I guess.