Monday, January 31, 2011

Children's Movies Which Will Never Be Remade

All Dogs Go To Heaven

Synopsis: Dog runs an illegal gambling operation with a cohort who solicits his murder rather than share their profits equally. Dog reaches heaven, finds that he has squandered his life and is doomed to Hell, whereby he distracts the angel-dog in front of him, steals his life's magic clock and rewinds it, cheating death. He returns to Earth, effectively immortal and gung-ho on exploiting an orphan with the ability to talk to animals with the purpose of regaining control of the city's illegal animal rackets. After ruining her shot at getting adopted, he eventually chooses to rescue her and save her life at the expense of his watch, dying yet again but finding himself redeemed and welcome in Heaven. He dies and the street urchin gets a family. Dom Delouise is a wiener dog.

Why They'll Never Remake It: Tons of gruesome doggy death.

Status: Dead as the protagonist, though only after a sequel and a television series.

The Aristocats

Synopsis: A faithful butler overhears his mistress dictating her will to her lawyer. (Incorrectly) believing he is going to be overlooked after his years of service and all the Lady's fortunes are to go to her cats, the butler bundles them up in the middle of the night and hurls them off a bridge into a river. The same thing a woman just got yelled at for on the internet a few months back. "Duchess" and her three kittens are discovered by (Abraham De Lacey Giuseppe Casey) Thomas O'Malley, an alley cat. O'Malley proceeds to flagrantly hit on Duchess, who in her sheltered lifestyle does not realize she is basically riding his cat-dick for a lift home. It's Ass, Gas, or Grass, baby, and Duchess ain't paickin' her wallet or bud. Of course, right as O'Malley is about to get his freak on, Duchess' kittens pop out and he's all, "WOAH THERE BITCH I DI'N' SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT!" but being a man of his word he agrees to guide them all home anyway. Somewhere along the line he falls in love with Duchess and gets to live with them back home wearing an adorable little collar and bow-tie. Also, the butler gets arrested for something ridiculous.

Why They'll Never Remake It: More violence against animals, this time by humans who should be above all that. Also, the hero gets roped into raising another man's children because a father's life is better than that of a swinging bachelor, but no one can have sex so they can't be his kids. Let's just go ahead and illiminate the 101 Dalmations series, The Lion King and any other Disney film that proposes murdering animals. Plus, Phil Harris died in 1995, so this also rules out a remake of The Jungle Book with his amazing voice.

Status: Just got a DVD rerelease, then sent back to the Disney "vault," so increase demand for another five years, thus justifying exorbitant pricing.


Synopsis: Little White Boy moves to, I don't know, India or some shit, with his family. Not knowing anything about the land, they build a nice little Western-style house on the ground next to a jungle. Little White Boy befriends a mongoose, which he names something ridiculously long. Living so close to dangerous brush, no one but the family is shocked when a vicious cobra goes to eat Cody. (I don't know that that's his name, honestly, but he's as little and dumb and white as can be, so Cody seems like the perfect name for him.) Cody is saved by Rikki and his mongoose wife, who dies killing the Cobra, herself the wife of an even larger, meaner cobra who is now pissed at the humans for invading his area and killing his wife. Big Cobra goes to kill the Cody, but Rikki jumps in and they end up killing each other. Cody is sad that his friend has died, but even tually he finds a little brown boy or a rock or something to play with and forgets all about it. White people continue exploiting the land and native cultures.

Why They'll Never Remake It: Aside from all the animal fighting and revenge killings, it was based on a Rudyard Kipling story and no one wants to have to work P.R. for story written by the guy whose most famous work is "The White Man's Burden."

Status: Hopefully still carried at your local library in the "Teach Kids Not To Play With Fucking Cobras" section.

"It's MY day!" cried Grumpy. "I don't care if I have to strangle
every last one of you bastards to get in their first!"
Any Disney Movie Based on a Fairy Tale

Synopsis: Princess is sheltered and devoid of character, aside from being pretty. Maybe she's kindly, if in a very provincial sort of way. Someone gets angry at her, then tries to kill her. A handsome prince saves the day and takes her away to live with him as his wife.

Why They'll Never Do It Again: All Disney females must now be of stronger moral fiber than their male "saviors." Disney has also been shying away from the whole "blatant attempted murder" thing for humans as well as animals, these days. Even stories which begin with one or both parents already dead are becoming less and less common.

Status: They're totally going to do it again. Constantly. Except now the stories will be bastardized even farther than their saccharinely sweet Golden Age counterparts. Rapunzel is some kind of sequestered idealist whose prince is a conniving coward in Tangled, and The Princess and the Frog was basically panned from day-1 as exploitive of a black princess, placative for finally tossing black folks their own princess and just generally being a shitting movie with no relation to the original whatsoever. Granted, there was no hope of making a Snow White wherein she chokes on the apple core and Prince Charming literally fucks it out of her. Apparently Disney never had a thing for borderline necrophilia. At least not publicly.

Three Ninjas/Home Alone

Synopsis: Bad men attempt to break into someone's house while the parents are away. Child(ren) fend them off using ingenuity and a series of deliciously evil and most likely very, very painful and possibly deadly homemade apparati. The burglars survive somehow, but are captured by law enforcement agents. In one, the children have yellow-belt level ninjutsu skills taught to them by their maternal grandfather. Also, I believe their mother was the long-running female ADA on "Law & Order" back in the late '90s.

Why They'll Never Be Remade: Because, frankly, they already have been. To death. At this point it's just needless violence on camera, essentially justifiable elder abuse. In fact, the legality of all of this is questionable since the kids are almost certainly using more than reasonable force to repel home invasions. Only the fact that these are children worried about kidnapping and murder really excuse that level of aggravated assault. Likely, any judge would move the case to family court and the kids would be put through intensive cycles of counseling to make sure they weren't terribly traumatized by their experiences.

Status: Three sequels. Each.

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