On Being The Squeeky Wheel

Probably none of you remember this little tirade about online store management.

But you know what? There's a moral in bitching about online retailers and stupid return policies and taking what blame there is for being an ignorant consumer. And the moral is this:

If you own up to your mistakes, when you bitch people try to fix whatever went wrong.

I saw the return policy didn't cover me. I called the store, they turned me down. I went to the store having meticulously peeled the original shipping labels off the giant package in a poorly executed attempt to swindle the store into taking the defunct product anyway. I was a bad, bad man for those moments. In the end, all I did was vent my frustrations into the cold, uncaring ocean of piss that is the internet.

And dear Lord, the internet pissed back. It pissed on me in kindness.

I got a Twitter reply simply reading "Not exactly true!" to my tirade about how dumb it is to have an online store functioning as a separate company from your physical locations. Thinking it was a spambot designed to reply to every mention of the word "Modell's," I said something very rude and snarky in return, as any good internet dweller would do.

Well, it turns out that Twitter account was operated by a Modells.com VP of Marketing. His name is Jed and he is one of the nicest people I have ever dealt with online. He basically saw an irate customer shouting into the wind, accepting his own fault and said, "Hey, I can help this guy." He invited me to email or DM him, which I did and he shuttled my problem in full explanation over to the returns department, based out of a larger distribution company it seems. I gather that's where the "Not exactly" part comes in.

Granted it took about four days longer than expected, but eventually I got an email from a woman with a name I can trust–both in that a dear friend has the same homophonic moniker and in that I could easily pronounce it without testing my usage of the glottal stop–and by the end of the night had spoken with her on the phone.

JoAnn, I can't imagine you read this blog, but if you do, I am sorry. I am sorry because I picture you as a kindly old Midwestern grandma-type, even though from your timber and proficiency with online memoranda I estimate that you are at very oldest only potentially in your very early fifties. Still, the things you said over the phone make me want to tie my shoes, wash my hands before supper and promise to be an extra good boy at the fair tomorrow so I can come home to have a slice of your fresh-baked apple pie.

This is a formal retraction.

Modells.com, I still hate your prices. And your selection, usually. But if I'm ever in the position of having already purchased an item from you that I now desperately need to return (dear God, please no, never again), I know you guys are the ones to deal with. You have cemented your position as Best Customer Support Ever.

Plus, you got more blog mentions than that slut from the All State Commercials, and she blew up after landing a roll on The Good Guys.

You really, REALLY gotta go to Mo's.