Bachelor Life | Girlfriend Application | A Plea for Help

 

I've been living on my own for, oh, four days now. It's pretty brutal.

The first night was fine, there were still cats here. Then I packed all day and the cats were sent off to their new home, and I was left in the old, half-empty house. Now there's nothing to remember to feed, no little box to clean, no dark lumps on the floor in the middle of the night to avoid tripping over or squishing in a closing door.

I have no one to tell when I'm leaving or when I get home. Dear god, I joked on facebook that getting someone to pay half the rent without taking up additional space was the main reason to settle down and get a significant other, but now I'm starting to think it's because you're just bored and lonely, sitting home alone, all productive when you're trying to avoid doing other work.

I've been blogging in advance this week. I'm so busy all morning, then I work, and then suddenly I can't call realtors because it's 11:38 p.m. I'm feeling creative at opportune moments. This is completely the wrong time for that.

Worse yet, I want something I can feed and take care of, maybe pet and sleep with, except I want it to be sapient and sentient enough to be able to go out, have its own job, and stay out of my shit when I don't feel like cleaning its poop. I just ruled out pets and adopted children. All I'm left with is finding a girl to date. That is just so … blasé.

Of course now I want a place to which I can actually bring girls back, and a well-paying job to afford nice things, and I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, the thing that's been holding me back all these years wasn't a lack of any semblance of motivation, but living with my mom. Huh.

Five Reasons Jewish Guys Love Asian Girls

"This is everything I've wanted ever since my bar-mitzvah!"

1. They're not Jewish.

2. They have dark hair and eyes, and olive frequently olive skin as if they were Jewish, except–again–they're not.

3. The food is better.

4. They make us feel tall.

5. I've never 'accidentally' run across Hebrew Rope Bondage Porn while perusing the Internet.

The Fifth Roommate

"Aw, you got me a career choice that isn't
sad or shameful! How Sweet!"

There are four friends. One starts dating a new person. This person is now the "fifth roommate." I'm stealing this phrasing from The New Girl, but I'm certain the idea is comparatively ancient.

There's something to be said both for loving and despising a friend's partner. Loving them means you've got a kickass new friend. Hating them means you don't have to worry about picking sides if there's a break-up; your loyalties are and always have been perfectly clear.

Of course, liking them means that in the eventuality of a break-up, you've got to choose sides or risk removing yourself from both individuals' companies enough to not fully alienate both. This accomplishes pretty much the opposite of its own goal.

I've tried all those options. Personally, I like hating on the sig-oths. It makes everything very easy considering most of my friends weren't in even remotely permanent-looking relationships until a few years ago. It was just generally understood that you'd eventually stop dating the other person, either amiably or viciously. Now everything's complicated by babies and tax breaks.

Worse, now life is complicated by actively enjoying the company of my friends' boyfriends and girlfriends. I would willingly seek to hang out with them on my own.

And, somehow, I feel like this is still better than safely hating and spreading negativity before, during, or after any relationship. Simplicity is wonderful for happy things, reductive for the negatives.

On Memory and Repetative Behavior Behavior

I was hanging out with Dean last night when his girlfriend called. I hear this:

"The clue you give me is, 'The Time I Fell Asleep?!' Do you know me? How often do I fall asleep??"

Well, every night, usually.

"How long have we been dating? Three years! Okay? So there are 365 days in a year … plus I fall asleep a lot more than once a day … 1400? 1500 times??"

Math. This was getting difficult.

"Oh, wait, I figured it out. I know which time you mean. Yeah."

He turned to me when he got off the phone. "You know what she said that made me remember? 'It was recently.'"

On Pitty

Pity and dignity look very similar for some reason.



No disrespect intended: I have a friend whose girlfriend goes to school on the other side of the country. Everyone says, "I feel bad for him."

Why?

Why do we feel bad for him? He has a girlfriend. They talk all the time! She'll be back for Christmas for chrissake. Vacations. The only thing that's really changed is he doesn't get to have sex for a while.

I'm not having sex, how about we all start feeling bad for me, then?

Nedroid is weird.

On Things That Are Completely Not True

So my girlfriend is kind of an aspiring actress.

She recently did a commercial for a herpes medication. I was a little weirded out by it, but she reminded me that they don't exclusively search for attractive actors who have herpes. Apparently it's just a lot easier to find hot actresses and then give them herpes.

Yeah, I laughed at that too.

I stopped giggling right around the time my girlfriend told me she requested to be paid in free samples.