Bachelor Life | Girlfriend Application | A Plea for Help

 

I've been living on my own for, oh, four days now. It's pretty brutal.

The first night was fine, there were still cats here. Then I packed all day and the cats were sent off to their new home, and I was left in the old, half-empty house. Now there's nothing to remember to feed, no little box to clean, no dark lumps on the floor in the middle of the night to avoid tripping over or squishing in a closing door.

I have no one to tell when I'm leaving or when I get home. Dear god, I joked on facebook that getting someone to pay half the rent without taking up additional space was the main reason to settle down and get a significant other, but now I'm starting to think it's because you're just bored and lonely, sitting home alone, all productive when you're trying to avoid doing other work.

I've been blogging in advance this week. I'm so busy all morning, then I work, and then suddenly I can't call realtors because it's 11:38 p.m. I'm feeling creative at opportune moments. This is completely the wrong time for that.

Worse yet, I want something I can feed and take care of, maybe pet and sleep with, except I want it to be sapient and sentient enough to be able to go out, have its own job, and stay out of my shit when I don't feel like cleaning its poop. I just ruled out pets and adopted children. All I'm left with is finding a girl to date. That is just so … blasé.

Of course now I want a place to which I can actually bring girls back, and a well-paying job to afford nice things, and I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, the thing that's been holding me back all these years wasn't a lack of any semblance of motivation, but living with my mom. Huh.

The Mysterious Continued Prominence of Pants

Yup, those are pants, alright.

Ever since I got my own place I've been confused by how often I find myself still wearing pants.

I live alone, I feel like I should be walking around naked all the time, but I've got work and more apartment hunting, and you know … life.

So I compromise; I keep pants on, but now I let my dick hang out all day.

Man, I'm getting some weird tan lines.

Household Tips for the Swinging Bachelor/Supervillain

• Only bring single girls back to your place. You do not want their boyfriend getting all riled up and busting down the giant, titanium-alloy door to your fortress.
  
  
• Have one pair of underwear you absolutely hate wearing. That pair is now motivation for Laundry Day. Alternately, it can be used as your "Earth-2" costume.
  
  
• Wash any cutlery, cooking implements, tableware or torture chambers immediately after use so you don't have to later when you're tired and lazy.
  
  
• If your roommate leaves dirty crap in the sink, throw acid in his face.
  
  
• Eventually, the guy you really hate is going to show up uninvited. Best to be courteous until he leaves, then exact you intricate and frightening revenge.
  
  
• Kill as many hookers and crack-heads as you want, so long as they weren't at one time somehow related to someone powerful.
  
  
• Henchmen/sublets will have more respect for your things than your regular cohorts. Because they're worried you might kill them.
  
  
• It is inappropriate to have a Batman poster hanging over your couch.