Green Lantern - In Brightest Glowing Suit, In Darkest Bitter Review

I'd still have preferred Nathan Fillion, but I said the same thing for Captain
America, and he's admittedly too old to play these characters live, now.

I saw Green Lantern last night. Originally I had a wonderful idea to tear down all the terrible things about it, starting with the line, "In brightest lens flare, in darkest…" something. Well, it didn't quite work out that way. Here are all the lousy things about Green Lantern:

• The score's main theme sounds a little like the vintage Superman music, which is to say it's a grand, sweeping fanfare on some horns, or a traditional fanfare, really.
• The suit was a little weird. It could have easily been CG less often, but it wouldn't have glowed as much, so I get it. (I'm sorry, did you want the glowy man and all of his space alien friends flying around an alien planet to by a bunch of puppets? My deepest apologies.)
• The last fight could have been a little longer and involved a few weirder ring constructs.
• They mention some flashbacks happened in 1993, and young Hal looks about 9 or 10, which means Green Lantern is only like 3 years older than me and that means my life is already wasted. At best, I can hope to be Kyle Rayner and find my girlfriend dead in a fridge a few years from now.

That's. About. It.

The pacing was good, the characters were all fairly well enacted, Ryan Reynolds did not turn Hal Jordan into some ridiculous caricature of Van Wilder, and there were tons of great fan nods. Of no importance:

• Carol Ferris' callsign as a pilot is "Sapphire." (She later becomes the character "Star Sapphire.")
• Explanations for there being multiple emotion-color-powers in the universe
• Guardians mention that they did not always rely on green lantern power to enforce peace (manhunters!)
• Specific green lanterns in crowd scenes included B'Zzz or whatever (the bee) and a few others
• Angela Bassett cameos as a certain Project Cadmus bitch
• There is in fact a teaser at the end of the film, and it's incredibly important

Here's the thing, though. I cannot for the life of me figure out why even now Rotten Tomatoes has it at a twenty-three percent freshness rating. Twenty-three! That's twenty point below "My. Popper's Penguins." Really? I don't see how that's possible.

Maybe they're judging it by the seven people who were judging this as a stand-alone movie? People who had no interest in the character or story and were just looking for a good time? Maybe. They probably would have hated all the little blue guys and the big green guys and the weird yellow cloud thing and the pink guy and Tim Robbins.

Which raises an interesting point: we're at a point where comic book movies are actually getting made for people who read the comic books and not casual fans who want to see a good guy in a cape.

• Batman x3
• Superman reboot
• Green Lantern
• Spiderman reboot
• 3x Iron Man, 2x Thor, a Hulk reboot, 2x Captain America and an Avengers extravaganza
• Kick-Ass
• An X-Men prequel and and new Wolverine

Superhero films are starting to rely more heavily on the established fan base, also the ones from earlier movies, but predominantly comic book nerds who are going to all pay for a ticket at least once, even if they think they'll hate the product. There's suddenly this sense of treating the source material as something more than just a jumping-off point for explosions and insufferable drama. The fact that DC is trying to rebrand its Superman to fit more in line with The Dark Knight and axed that god awful Ally McBeal-style Wonder Woman television series proves this.

For some reason, it is no longer okay to screw with time-honored and beloved characters.

You know, unless you're their comic writers.

Household Tips for the Swinging Bachelor/Supervillain

• Only bring single girls back to your place. You do not want their boyfriend getting all riled up and busting down the giant, titanium-alloy door to your fortress.
  
  
• Have one pair of underwear you absolutely hate wearing. That pair is now motivation for Laundry Day. Alternately, it can be used as your "Earth-2" costume.
  
  
• Wash any cutlery, cooking implements, tableware or torture chambers immediately after use so you don't have to later when you're tired and lazy.
  
  
• If your roommate leaves dirty crap in the sink, throw acid in his face.
  
  
• Eventually, the guy you really hate is going to show up uninvited. Best to be courteous until he leaves, then exact you intricate and frightening revenge.
  
  
• Kill as many hookers and crack-heads as you want, so long as they weren't at one time somehow related to someone powerful.
  
  
• Henchmen/sublets will have more respect for your things than your regular cohorts. Because they're worried you might kill them.
  
  
• It is inappropriate to have a Batman poster hanging over your couch.

On Method Acting

I've been mentioning things about New York Comic Con for a while now, so I guess it's about time to make the official announcement:

I will be attending this year's New York Comic Con/NY Anime Festival. They're together. I guess at some point prior to this they were not. But now they are. In any event, I am going, but I am going as a member of the press.

Why? Because I have a blog that frequently talks about really geeky topics.

What? I am going to go and interview no one interesting, but rather nerds. I am going to interview only the crazy people walking around and I am going to take pictures of/with them and tell all of you reader(s?) out there what they thought about all the stuff they will have seen and heard and sweated in.

How in the hell did I manage to achieve this? I asked. Seriously, I don't know why people don't do this. I have like two different questionably legitimate press badges and these guys just check that I indeed have a geek blog and I'm golden. People should be more proactive in their careers.


Dilemma: I am dressing as Tony Stark for this event, because it allows me to look professional while also blending in with the unwashed (strikingly unwashed) masses. Also, as part of the costume I will be required to act like a drunk, pompous asshole and hit on every attractive woman nearby.

Because I commit to my role.

Seriously, I've got the suite and tie and shoes and martini all ready. I've got a glowy chest piece. I've even got a black tank top and some welding goggles for the days when it's just too hot to walk through the Javits Center in a suite and tie. (Plus it shows off the killer upper bod I've got goin' on these days.)

There's only one problem: I'm getting too involved in my character. Con's a week away and I've already run through all the Wikipedia pages about Iron Man I find pertinent. I've plowed through both movies and all of the behind-the-scenes bonus features from the first Blu-Ray about character and tech and writing and story. I've even got a firm grasp on Ultimate Iron Man, for chrissake. I'm starting to get overload. I just got a hold of the animate Avengers movies and the Iron Man spin-off Invincible Iron Man.

I'm starting to go mad with power. My witty banter is too witty for someone who doesn't hold eight degrees in mechanical engineering and a few billion in bank notes. I'm developing a taste for alcoholic beverages I've never heard of. All the limbs on the left side of my body are starting to feel like they have repulsor jets on them.

Good God, I think I'm having a nerd stroke.

On Jersey Shore and Body Image

Seriously, this addiction to the train wreck that is Jersey Shore is starting to get to me.

I haven't felt this bad about the way my body looks since mid-nineties superheroes.

Things I Have Learned From the Movies

• The black guy always dies first, unless there's a scared Arab guy or a muttering white teenager lying around.
• “Brief, partial nudity” means a chick holding a sheet over herself with her back to you, from the waist-up. It is never worthwhile.
• Keaneu Reeves was only believable as a very confused man staring at his palm in The Matrix, and as a very confused boy staring at his hand in Bill and Ted.
• All haunted houses have either seven or nine people inside. If there are eight of you, be on guard.
• Make sure your one true love is sexually conservative. It will keep you alive longer.
• Bombs slow down in the last minute before they go off, just like football games.
• If you go back in time always make sure to do whatever it was you were supposed to do. Don't avoid doing anything else because you probably were supposed to anyway. Do check your pockets before you leave.
• If it can't be the murderer because they're dead, it is.
• Romantic comedies are good, comedic romances are not.
• Independent movies only seem better because no one wants to think they spent more time and effort to find a theater actually playing a piece of crap by someone of whom you've never heard.
• Slow-moving, murderous hulks are surprisingly agile when you're fleeing through the woods.
• "Remove the head or destroy the brain." Words to live by.
• The proper order for watching the Star Wars saga will always be 4, 5, 6 then 1, ,2, 3.
• Everyone pays for adult tickets after the age of twelve, even if they need a legal drinker present to see the movie.
• Everyone knows how to make a tourniquet.
• Subtitles make you feel smart, unless you can't turn them off.
• If John Connor could drive a motorcycle at thirteen, I should be able to at twenty-three.
• Everything “seemed” like a good idea at the time.
• Under no circumstances is one permitted to say, “Well, at least things can’t get any worse.”
• Nothing bad ever happens from secret government programs. Ever.
  
• Always believe the lying teenagers.
• Be constantly pregnant. Nothing ever kills pregnant women.
• Your high school history teacher significantly underestimated the number of explosions back then.
• Except for Batman and James Bond, bad guys get the best toys.
• There are apparently no unattractive young Asian women.
• Heroes have the best hair, no matter what exploded.
• Everyone knows how to drive stick.
• There really are seven different copies of Mike Meyers.