Bachelor Life | Girlfriend Application | A Plea for Help

 

I've been living on my own for, oh, four days now. It's pretty brutal.

The first night was fine, there were still cats here. Then I packed all day and the cats were sent off to their new home, and I was left in the old, half-empty house. Now there's nothing to remember to feed, no little box to clean, no dark lumps on the floor in the middle of the night to avoid tripping over or squishing in a closing door.

I have no one to tell when I'm leaving or when I get home. Dear god, I joked on facebook that getting someone to pay half the rent without taking up additional space was the main reason to settle down and get a significant other, but now I'm starting to think it's because you're just bored and lonely, sitting home alone, all productive when you're trying to avoid doing other work.

I've been blogging in advance this week. I'm so busy all morning, then I work, and then suddenly I can't call realtors because it's 11:38 p.m. I'm feeling creative at opportune moments. This is completely the wrong time for that.

Worse yet, I want something I can feed and take care of, maybe pet and sleep with, except I want it to be sapient and sentient enough to be able to go out, have its own job, and stay out of my shit when I don't feel like cleaning its poop. I just ruled out pets and adopted children. All I'm left with is finding a girl to date. That is just so … blasé.

Of course now I want a place to which I can actually bring girls back, and a well-paying job to afford nice things, and I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, the thing that's been holding me back all these years wasn't a lack of any semblance of motivation, but living with my mom. Huh.

On Growing Older

I've been saying this for a while and it makes more and more sense the closer I get to my birthday each year:

It's completely not fair that I should be out of my mom's house by the age of 25. I'm the oldest of all my friends, but we graduated in the same year. I've got 11 months on some of these kids, but it still just sounds awful to say I'd be living at home at 25.

Now if I'm still living at home by 25 and 11 months, then yeah, mock me unmercifully. I'll officially deserve that.

Reasons To Move Out of Your Mother's House

Reasons To Move Out of Your Mother's House:

• She has already placed a non-functional exercise machine in your room under the assumption you weren't coming back from college.
• You have failed to convince her that trading you for the master bedroom would be more convenient since your room has a hotplate.
• You've realized the only reason you leave all your stuff lying around is because you can't throw away stupid things like other people's clothes or baby pictures.
• You are tired of dealing with people who are awake in the daylight and don't want to cook at 1 a.m. every night.
  
• You have run out of places to add more bookshelves.
• You've got wonderful pop art for the walls but someone prefers to look at Georgia O'Keeffe's vagina-flowers all day.