Monday, September 7, 2009

On the Porcine Sexual: Porky Pig Is Gay


Get it? It's a jackhammer. There's a pun there.

I developed this theory, oh, a good six or seven years ago.

Porky Pig is gay.

It's fairly obvious. The demure behavior, the idiosyncratic speech, his geeky but still pulls-it-off fashion sense. All the signs are there.

But I need not rely on these innuendos and dismissive stereotypes. I also have completely circumstantial conjecture.

Petunia was Porky's cover, his beard. She was a strong, independent fat woman. Probably a lesbian.

Porky roomed with Gabby Goat and they had crazy gay sex all night long. That’s why they were always late for work. Like that one time they were, and then when they realized it was a holiday they dove right back into bed with the fake snoring. They were totally just waiting for us to look away before they started the crazy hetero-species homo-sex.

Warner Brothers even tried to cover up the sex-capades. Years after they broke up, WB was able to convince Porky to work through the pain and refilm the entire 6.5 minutes short with Daffy Duck gag-for-gag and word-for-word, so no one would notice that the goat had gone missing.

Now Daffy isn't gay. Rather his initial manic insanity has more recently manifested in less maladjusted narcissism, resulting in an autosexual personality, quite literally aroused by his own performance and perceived talent. Replacing a former character in the exact film, only as a better alternative, would be all the draw he needed to go along with such an idea.

So that's it. Porky was a complete man-loving sex pig. It's cool, Porky. We still love you. You don't have to be ashamed of who you are.

Just don’t get me started on Tom, Jerry and sadomasochism. That shit's fucked up.

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