Getting What You Wish For

I'm a little surprised the search "food pyramid hat" returned zero results for
conspiracy nut pyramid hats, which were also food pyramid diagrams.

"What do I want for dinner, David?"

"…Tapas."

"That is not a viable option."

"But that's what you want."

"You know, now I do."

"Mhmm. Next time, ask what you really want to ask."


Sometimes it's tough having gastronomically psychic abilities.




The rest of the time it's pretty sweet.

On Sandwiches

I'm not particularly proud of this sandwich,
as I made it to-order, rather than being trusted
to make the best sandwich, however the eater
DID take a photo of it and praise it to this day.
So, I'll take that one.

Me: Getting tired of those Make-me-a-sandwich jokes. Like I'd ever trust a woman or anyone else near my sandwiches.

Mike: Yea I never got that either. Why would I want anyone else to make my sandwiches? Even if I'm acting purely chauvinist/stereotypical, what is it about the female sex that means sandwiches?

Me: The first guy to make a sandwich was the Earl of Sandwich's chef. A man. I make vegetarians envious of my sandwiches by description alone. Men angrily demand I stop describing them out of Pavlovian salivation and spite. I don't want anyone near my meat shingles.

Mike: Mine are better.

Me: Every man things his is best, bigger and badder, more satisfying than any other. And any woman that truly loves us would say nothing different. I will not get into this argument.


Mike:  Are we still talking about sandwiches?

Money, Prostitutes, and Taylor Swift

Context: I let myself into a friend's house to leave him money to buy baseball tickets. (I'm essentially paying $91 for a Fenway Frank, and I'm told the privilege of likely being ejected within the first 3 innings. I have taken the over-under and bet on four.)

In defense of The Hangover,
I didn't like it back when it was Very Bad Things either.

Me: I considered hiding the money in one of your shoes to make you look for it, but instead left it in your computer. Much less work. (Ryan has many, many shoes.)

Ryan: Thanks, yeah. Did you leave the computer open?

Me: It was half-open, half-fallen diagonally inside a half-closed drawer. I more just threw the money into it like a spent and malaised prostitute after a business transaction.

Ryan: Nice simile. I was downloading a file, so I left it open.

Me: Thanks. Yeah, I killed my battery the other day downloading Taylor Swift. I'm … not proud.

Ryan: We all have our guilty pleasures.

Me: That's just the thing. I can't tell if I get any pleasure out of it. She's like the tween country equivalent of S&M. Catchy bitch.

Real Conversations That Make You Feel Smart

Fun fact: leaving a refrigerator door open is actually a good way to heat a room, as increasing the amount of space the fridge is trying to cool requires more work and therefor more energy, releasing more heat from the coolant system in back as it does so.


"You know, most people wouldn't know that."

"It's basic physics!"

"Yeah. Most people don't know physics."

"Well, that would make everyone dumber than us."

"…Yeah."

"Oh."


Some days I have to fight with my friends over whether or not "The Big Bang Theory" is funny. However every day I just accept that they're wrong and it's a hilarious rip-off of the conversations my other friends have.

Of course, I'm an insensitive idiot who thinks way too much of both nerdiness and hilarious conversation, so I figure some people can call me an asshole now and we'll all break even.

FUCKING FLASHPOINT!

On Busting Mad Rhymes

"Ya know, I love the word 'merkin.'"
"Hahahahaha I love your brain."
"Stop jerkin' my merkin."
"…Would you jerk my gherkin? I'll promise not to wear a merkin. Or go a'lurkin'.…Actually, I'm almost done workin'."
"'Would you be interested in jerkin my gherkin?' Pssh stop jerkin' my merkin."
"I didn't really plan on 'jerkin' my gherkin' workin'. Sorry for the merkin jerkin'."

After you teach English majors about the aesthetic art of words, certain phrases just become hilarious. And after that, you will never appreciate them on as many levels as said word nerds.

On Originality

Sorry, Jo, it was either you or a picture of hentai skullfucking,
and I like to keep the images here PG-13.

A couple nights ago I was talking to my friend Joanne and she jokingly threatened to have her boyfriend give me a "header."

"Do you know what a header is?" she asked.

Honestly, I had to say I knew what a header was, but had no clue what she meant it as. Was it a new thing?

"I don't think you can give someone a header."

"I'm obsessed with them now," she said. Apparently she had seen a movie called Header, where rednecks basically go around giving people 'headers' for 90 minutes.

"It's when someone drills a hole in your head," she said. "And then carve it wider with a knife. And hump their brains."

I told her Texans are ridiculous. I laughed. She laughed, not grasping my meaning.

"That's just good, old fashioned skullfucking," I said. "You don't get to name it something new because you think you just heard it."

"Yes I do," she said.

"Taking a header means to fall off something face first."

"Don't ruin this moment for me."

"It's already a thing."

"DAMNIT, DAVE!"


But I am remorseless. I remain undeterred. You do not get to make up a new name for something just because you think it's new. I mean you can try, but unless you accidentally find an insanely more hilarious name for the thing, you're shit out of luck.

And odds are the Japanese have been doing it since the '60s anyway.

On Real Life Conversations IV: Dialogue, Real Life & Kevin Smith

"Man, there will never be another band as good as Savage Garden, amiright?"

When I was in college, one of the compliments my writing seemed to get a lot was about dialogue. People always seem to think that my writing style is very real, with little stresses in the word which make me feel like the "edgy" character on later seasons of [insert name of current live-in reality show]. This always seemed to come out strongly in the dialogue.

"I read this the way people actually speak."

Great job. So what you're getting at is no one else ever writes dialogue that sounds like two people speaking to each other? That's what you're honestly saying?

I'm not going to even attempt using Kevin Smith as a good example of life-like dialogue. Frankly, he just sounds good. Kevin Smith writes apropos, swear-laden dialogue the way George Lucas wrote techno-babble into Star Wars. Sure, it sounds cool, even fits into the story well without being clichéd, but for the love of Jeff, no one can say those things in daily life. People get beaten up for talking like that on the schoolyard.

I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know...I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
- Holden McNeal (Ben Affleck), Chasing Amy

Who the fuck talks like that? Seriously! Beyond the simple fact no one will ever let you speak that long without interrupting, unless is just waiting for you to be done with it so she can get the fuck out of there, no one speaks that coherently in-the-moment. Sure, maybe you've rehearsed your own speech a dozen times in your head; in real life you blow it. Your heart hurts of you get scared and you fucking blow it. That's why we pause so goddam much when we talk nowadays, either we're afraid to say the words we're thinking or we're afraid that thinking isn't smart enough to say in words.

Even Chasing Amy's tagline says it: "Finally, a comedy that tells it like it feels." Not "how it is," "how it feels." The kind of telling you come up with two days later thinking, "That's what I should've said!"

Would you like to know the secret to creating believable dialogue?

Write it out like your friends would say it.

Regional dialect isn't just for hillbilly characters and wise old bluesmen, it's the diction that makes "Where are you going?" into "Where're you guys headed?" There's something to be said for correcting spelling and grammar in a text, but I live by the rule 'Write it like you'd say it.' (This includes things like the word "you'd.") Here's some dialogue from an actual conversation with an actual person:

Me: You'll just have to get creative with my belated Christmas gift now. Sorry.
Jo: Ugh, you know I'm not creative.
Me: Well, slap some macaroni on a card and staple it to a hooker or something.

I think what I'm trying to get at here is, "you can write quality dialogue by having ridiculous friends." Not sure if that's what I was getting at, but that's where I ended up.