Dear Everyone Who Survived Last Night:
I just want you to know I still respect you. I know New Year's is a crazy night. It's okay. I don't think any less of you, for any of those things you did. Really, it's okay. I promise.
I spent last night sick in bed, blankly staring at Ryan Seacrest, waiting for my NyQuil to kick in. At one point, I put chapstick on my nose because I was raw from blowing it so much. That's sad and embarrassing. Whoever you tried to make out with? Really, it's alright.
Dignity is a … relative process.
Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Taylor Swift. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Money, Prostitutes, and Taylor Swift
Context: I let myself into a friend's house to leave him money to buy baseball tickets. (I'm essentially paying $91 for a Fenway Frank, and I'm told the privilege of likely being ejected within the first 3 innings. I have taken the over-under and bet on four.)
Me: I considered hiding the money in one of your shoes to make you look for it, but instead left it in your computer. Much less work. (Ryan has many, many shoes.)
Ryan: Thanks, yeah. Did you leave the computer open?
Me: It was half-open, half-fallen diagonally inside a half-closed drawer. I more just threw the money into it like a spent and malaised prostitute after a business transaction.
Ryan: Nice simile. I was downloading a file, so I left it open.
Me: Thanks. Yeah, I killed my battery the other day downloading Taylor Swift. I'm … not proud.
Ryan: We all have our guilty pleasures.
Me: That's just the thing. I can't tell if I get any pleasure out of it. She's like the tween country equivalent of S&M. Catchy bitch.
 |
| In defense of The Hangover, I didn't like it back when it was Very Bad Things either. |
Me: I considered hiding the money in one of your shoes to make you look for it, but instead left it in your computer. Much less work. (Ryan has many, many shoes.)
Ryan: Thanks, yeah. Did you leave the computer open?
Me: It was half-open, half-fallen diagonally inside a half-closed drawer. I more just threw the money into it like a spent and malaised prostitute after a business transaction.
Ryan: Nice simile. I was downloading a file, so I left it open.
Me: Thanks. Yeah, I killed my battery the other day downloading Taylor Swift. I'm … not proud.
Ryan: We all have our guilty pleasures.
Me: That's just the thing. I can't tell if I get any pleasure out of it. She's like the tween country equivalent of S&M. Catchy bitch.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Only Response to the 2010 VMAs I Will Ever Post
The only thing gayer than Ellen Degeneres's wardrobe at the VMAs this year was Justin Bieber … you know, because he's secretly a 28 year old lesbian.
Lady Gaga's dress had a train so long I'm surprised they were able to move her to the stage without hitting the breaks a quarter mile down the tracks and flashing the lights on those big yellow "RR Xing" signs. *Ba-dum TSSS* I actually saw a promo with her standing next to Kermit the Frog on the red carpet. Kermit was looking very classy, wearing a tux and tie, hanging out the window of his limousine. Gaga looked like a fucking Muppet.
Jane Lynch introduced "Kay$ha." Thank you, Jane, for pointing out how ridiculous and unimportant all these people are.
Drake looks like a love baby had by President Obama and Tiger Wood's ill-fated tryst during the last Masters tournament.
Florence and the Machine is like a team of completely incomprehensible, rocking Pixie-Smurfs.
As a special note, I would like to question what little logic there is to be found in actively endorsing a continuation of the Kanye-Taylor Swift feud.
I say "endorsing" because every introduction openly referenced the events of last year, when Kanye interrupted Swift's acceptance speech for-
No. Fuck that. You know what happened. It was a dick move and it should have ended with Kanye pulling his white gator's from his mouth and crawling to Swift's high school on his hands and knees in penance for being such a terrible example of a good person.
This year? Swift shows footage of that exact moment of assitry as she premiers her brand new song, "Innocent," which in no short terms tells Kanye he's a dick and has a lot of growing up to do. Also, it's pretty fucking good. I guess somebody just needed to get fucked over by someone other than Joe Jonas to start utilizing minor chords seriously.
Kanye? He got the last performance of the night. (I think. Honestly, I stopped watching because there wasn't anything interesting to hear and I started talking to a friend about cats or food or something.) His new song? Again, in no small terms, he glorifies his dickish behavior. Considering he already apologized for his actions last year, this is the cheapest thing I can really imagine.
Actually, the cheapest thing I could have imagined would have been an exploitative duet between the two with Kanye as headliner. Interestingly, the best case scenario it seems other people also hoped for was the two doing a duet, I assume with Swift on top billing to show Kanye's humility.
This did not happen.
Aziz Ansari introduced Kanye as a jackass, he sang about being a jackass, and he and Taylor Swift both come out looking like jackasses. Swift more for continuing the image of the barefoot, damaged virgin, Kanye more for just reveling in being a dick more than the assembled cast of Jersey Shore. (Who did a decent job of mocking themselves and not being complete ass hats.)
Once again, Swift comes out on top because her song is decent and doesn't make listeners feel like assholes for liking it.
Seriously, what the fuck does Kanye do all year other than find ways to fuck himself over?
"I'm a spaAaAaAace nigga!"
(Here the capitalization represents autotuning.)
(Here, as elsewhere, autotuning represents shitty music.)
Lady Gaga's dress had a train so long I'm surprised they were able to move her to the stage without hitting the breaks a quarter mile down the tracks and flashing the lights on those big yellow "RR Xing" signs. *Ba-dum TSSS* I actually saw a promo with her standing next to Kermit the Frog on the red carpet. Kermit was looking very classy, wearing a tux and tie, hanging out the window of his limousine. Gaga looked like a fucking Muppet.
Jane Lynch introduced "Kay$ha." Thank you, Jane, for pointing out how ridiculous and unimportant all these people are.
Drake looks like a love baby had by President Obama and Tiger Wood's ill-fated tryst during the last Masters tournament.
Florence and the Machine is like a team of completely incomprehensible, rocking Pixie-Smurfs.
As a special note, I would like to question what little logic there is to be found in actively endorsing a continuation of the Kanye-Taylor Swift feud.
I say "endorsing" because every introduction openly referenced the events of last year, when Kanye interrupted Swift's acceptance speech for-
No. Fuck that. You know what happened. It was a dick move and it should have ended with Kanye pulling his white gator's from his mouth and crawling to Swift's high school on his hands and knees in penance for being such a terrible example of a good person.
This year? Swift shows footage of that exact moment of assitry as she premiers her brand new song, "Innocent," which in no short terms tells Kanye he's a dick and has a lot of growing up to do. Also, it's pretty fucking good. I guess somebody just needed to get fucked over by someone other than Joe Jonas to start utilizing minor chords seriously.
Kanye? He got the last performance of the night. (I think. Honestly, I stopped watching because there wasn't anything interesting to hear and I started talking to a friend about cats or food or something.) His new song? Again, in no small terms, he glorifies his dickish behavior. Considering he already apologized for his actions last year, this is the cheapest thing I can really imagine.
Actually, the cheapest thing I could have imagined would have been an exploitative duet between the two with Kanye as headliner. Interestingly, the best case scenario it seems other people also hoped for was the two doing a duet, I assume with Swift on top billing to show Kanye's humility.
This did not happen.
Aziz Ansari introduced Kanye as a jackass, he sang about being a jackass, and he and Taylor Swift both come out looking like jackasses. Swift more for continuing the image of the barefoot, damaged virgin, Kanye more for just reveling in being a dick more than the assembled cast of Jersey Shore. (Who did a decent job of mocking themselves and not being complete ass hats.)
Once again, Swift comes out on top because her song is decent and doesn't make listeners feel like assholes for liking it.
Seriously, what the fuck does Kanye do all year other than find ways to fuck himself over?
"I'm a spaAaAaAace nigga!"(Here the capitalization represents autotuning.)
(Here, as elsewhere, autotuning represents shitty music.)
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