Thomas and Friends: Non-Stop Ass-to-Mouth All Day

Does it bother no one that anyone not an A-Lister in Thomas the Tank Engine, anyone whose toy has a magnet on both ends, is effectively going ass-to-mouth all day long?

You think they get hazard pay for that?

Or do they just do it because they like it?





At least I didn't make a "Human Centipede" joke. I just ripped off Kevin Smith. That's way more tasteful.

On Anal Sex

Either a 12 year old girl or a 10 year old boy called up the book store I work at and asked me if I had the book "Anal Sex."

What I said, as (s)he giggled, was, "Cute," and promptly hung up, because what I wanted to say was not appropriate for a public work environment.

What I wanted to say was:

1. First off, you suck at this. You're supposed to try to get me to say "anal sex," not just ask me and say it yourself. Were you just looking for a reasonable excuse to say  dirty word? Because you blew it, my friend. You are worthless at prank calling. I went to high school with two kids who would tag-team local establishments during Free Period as an incestuous hillbilly household, complete with phony voices. One of them is a motivation speaker and life coach. That is how to be a success. You are just garbage. All you've done is look like an idiot and waste about seven seconds of my day. Congratulations. I'm glad you found a way to entertain yourselves at 3:43 on a Monday afternoon between getting dropped off at your bus stop and your parents coming home with Chipotle.

2. There is no such book as "Anal Sex." I know this for a fact. A) Because I work in a book store and I've seen every sex book we carry, carted off sometimes two-at-a-time to the back of the Children's department by groups of teenagers looking to chortle and pop a chubby to the Kama Sutra line drawings accompanying Dr. Ruth's explanations of how to properly digitally stimulate your woman's clitoris, and B) because I'm a huge perv and I've been on the internet for longer than a minute and a half. Listen, I could find you "Anal Sex for Dummies," or "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex" for men or women. Anal Health, Prostate Health, Healthy Marriage, Sex Coupons, "Why Do Men Marry Bitches?" "The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex," I've seen all of them. The ones about butt sex? Yeah, we don't typically carry those in the store. Give me 2-4 days and I can get one to you, either here or shipped, discretely, straight to your house. Or gay to your house, I don't care. I changed out of work clothes in the handicapped stall of the men's room after work last week, and I found an open copy of Playgirl wedged in the baby changing station. Second time that's happened. I really don't give a care about how you get your swerve on.

Just don't be an asshat, kids.

Of Anal Sex

Dear Universe, please don't let my mother read this entry. Oymen.

It occurs to me that all girls should be having anal sex.

My reasoning:

1. Girls have anuses.
2. Girls do not poop.
3. Anuses must biologically do something.

Therefor, if it's not for things going out, it must be for things going in.

(Girl) Jo: DAVE, ALL GIRLS LOVE ANAL!
Me: I KNOW BUT I PROVED IT WITH SCIENCE!

"Science: It proves things. Like butts."

On Anal Sex

WARNING:

This blog post contains graphic material not suitable for my mother or any of yours either.



I'll let people save face, but someone reiterated a movie line that the most romantic thing a girl can do is legitimately enjoy anal sex simply because her guy likes it. It's the idea of getting off on you getting off. Sweet, really.

However this same person – and everyone in the room, really – also admitted that this has never been discovered to be the case in real-world applications of sexy times.

One guy said that there seems to be this ill-defined line that's not okay to cross. You can be down there doing your thing and diddle your finger around a bit and she loves it, but graze your junk across something during basic field maneuvers and BAM! She's all "WHOA THERE, SAILOR, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"

To put it bluntly, this is the same type of girl who calls the police because she saw two black guys in an old Chavel driving all slow through her neighborhood.

I mean, yeah, okay, it's a little weird, but those guys have every right to just be hanging around out back as long as they don't try to bust in your backdoor and fuck shit up.

Maybe they're just passing through and stopped for a look around. Nothing wrong with that, with just looking. Maybe one day you could stop and actually talk to them, see how they're doing. Maybe even invite them in and see where things go. They could be really nice guys, after all. Who knows? God, maybe you'd actually enjoy their company if you weren't such a bigoted bitch all the time. Gosh.