Keeping In Touch

I'm working on keeping in touch with my ex-girlfriends nowadays. I used to try for a while and eventually they'd fall by the wayside, but not anymore. I've come up with a new solution: direct mailer family newsletter.

My aunt sends one of these out every year to give everybody a Cliff's Notes of what happened in the past year. It's a pretty brilliant idea, really.

First I get a photo of me, so they know what it is as soon as they open it. Let's make sure it's  picture of my looking cool, and having fun so they know we're all good even now. And make sure I'm wearing nice clothes, this is going out to a lot of people, after all.

The girls need to know that I have friends and I still consider them in that group. We should include other people in the photo so it doesn't look so much like a headshot. Maybe some other girls so they know I'm not pining over them. Pretty ones, too. That way they don't think, "What was I ever doing with him?" Yeah, that one up top should be fine.

Then on the back, or inside if I need room, we just do tasteful little summaries of my year, major job changes, life plans and such.

This year we had some ups and downs. Mom broke her kneecap on some ice but her physical therapists are already marveling at how quickly she's recovering.

We also added Jessica and Carol to our little circle (though not at the same time! – Sigh), so they'll be CC'd this year and from now on. Hi, girls! Jess is going back for her master's, and we wish her great luck. Carol has since moved to Philly with her new boyfriend who's a pilot! We're all taking bets on when they adopt their first terrier.

Yearly test results came back clean, as usual, so once again you all dodge an awkward phone call.
Shoutouts this year to Mel, Caitlyn, Tammy, and Joqueesha for their local production of The Vagina Monologues. It was really sweet of them to invite all of us, and especially putting us in the thank-yous of the playbill.

Best of luck to you all! And as always, I've seen you naked.

-Dave

An Open Letter to Sluts

This look should typically be reserved for
a Coca-Cola commercial.

Dear Sluts,


There are a lot of things I could say to you. Why do you do the things you do? Why are you finding it so necessary to debase yourselves? Why not with me, specifically? These are irrelevant. Today, I wish to only address one concern with you.

Sluts, take heed:

If I can see your butt cheeks, you aren't wearing pants.

Those are underwear.

Thank you. I hope we've cleared up that misunderstanding.


Casually and with great vigor,

David Zucker



P.S. - This is mostly directed at Fat Sluts, Ugly Sluts, and Preteen Training Sluts. We don't need your brands of awkwardness around these parts. Annoyingly Attractive Sluts, we're cool. Just remember that we still know you're sluts.

Of Gilded Anatomy - The Taint of Midas book title review

Here's a book I found today. I took it down because not a single copy has been sold in months. And here's my supposition as to why:

"The Taint of Midas."

What the hell is the taint of Midas? I've heard of the hand of Midas, which turned quite literally every relatively dense object of mass it touched into gold, but how do you get a taint of-

… Never mind.

Of Anal Sex

Dear Universe, please don't let my mother read this entry. Oymen.

It occurs to me that all girls should be having anal sex.

My reasoning:

1. Girls have anuses.
2. Girls do not poop.
3. Anuses must biologically do something.

Therefor, if it's not for things going out, it must be for things going in.

(Girl) Jo: DAVE, ALL GIRLS LOVE ANAL!
Me: I KNOW BUT I PROVED IT WITH SCIENCE!

"Science: It proves things. Like butts."