Sunday, May 27, 2012

An Open Letter to Sluts

This look should typically be reserved for
a Coca-Cola commercial.
Dear Sluts,

There are a lot of things I could say to you. Why do you do the things you do? Why are you finding it so necessary to debase yourselves? Why not with me, specifically? These are irrelevant. Today, I wish to only address one concern with you.

Sluts, take heed:

If I can see your butt cheeks, you aren't wearing pants.

Those are underwear.

Thank you. I hope we've cleared up that misunderstanding.

Casually and with great vigor,

David Zucker

P.S. - This is mostly directed at Fat Sluts, Ugly Sluts, and Preteen Training Sluts. We don't need your brands of awkwardness around these parts. Annoyingly Attractive Sluts, we're cool. Just remember that we still know you're sluts.


  1. What about men who are allowed to walk around with no shirts on? Are they sluts? I believe in equality and nature and feel that I should be allowed to be naked when I want to be. My dog is naked all the time. Is my dog a slut?

    1. Yes. Off the beach, and even often then, those are man-sluts.

      For the record, in New York you are allowed to be topless so long as it is not in a commercial context. Vulva and penis are still off-limits mixed media outside artwork.

      Also, your dog sniffs crotch and gets humped by any bull that can sneak up fast enough. Total slut. But I still like her.

  2. As a pro-boob activist i do know that I am allowed to not wear a shirt anywhere in NY where a man doesn't need to wear a shirt but still I know I would be discriminated against. America is a very prude country and maybe we should be more like dogs.



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