Friday, January 29, 2010

12 Reasons to Have A Valentine That Are Not Romantic

Possible 2010 Valentine Card. It's things like this that keep me from associating with normal people.

  1. If I'm hungry for chocolate I don't want the guy at the checkout counter eying me suspiciously.

  2. There are a bunch of romantic comedies I've been meaning to rent but I'd feel weird watching them by myself.

  3. My other friends are too cheap to go out to Applebees as often as I'd like.

  4. When I don't receive any cards this year it'll be because I'm considered "off limits," not "an asshole."

  5. I like making chicken cordon bleu, but it's always been a problem that chicken breasts are frozen in packages of two.

  6. Conversations about how it's a holiday manufactured by greedy, soulless corporations will no longer come off as sounding lonely or spiteful.

  7. If someone were to spend, say, $20 on something I've wanted, that is $20 in my pocket I can use for cool other stuff. Like my motorcycle licensing exam. Or space rocks.

  8. When I receive a pretend cell phone call in the liquor store asking me to pick up a bottle of strawberry-kiwi Arbor Mist instead of Sauvignon Blanc, there could actually be someone on the other end of the phone telling me I do not posses the liver of a thirty-one year old mother and housewife who is trying desperately to recapture her youth in the eighties and appear as though she at any point preferred Def Leopard to old Bee Gees records.

  9. I have had my eye on a sexy nightie in the Victoria's Secret window for three weeks now. Shut up. You know I'd look good.

  10. It gives me something to do on a Sunday night.

  11. I have always wanted to have a skywriter under my employ.

  12. I look good in the color red.

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