If I Could Bottle My Subconscious, I Would Sell It Like a Drug Dealer

I dreamnt of a new Presidential race, between John McCain and someone named "Kitth Ped" (Pronounced "Kit"). He was a rising star of a politician, a true polymath, an utter genius. Also, he was twelve years old and British, explaining the funny spelling.

He was also unquestioningly evil. He had a penchant for poisoning his enemies. Though no one could ever prove such a thing, it was common knowledge amongst at least whatever crowd I was a part of in this scenario.

His downfall came when he "killed" a chav dummy. By dummy I mean mannequin, and by killed I mean "partially decapitated with a clean sectioning off on the top of the cranium to expose and bisect the upper brain." By chav, I mean an under-aged English slut partial to the following mode of dress:

Only less intelligent. That girl has an intelligence in her eyes commiserate with someone who has succeeded in earning a living through porn and manages her assets well. Bring her down to "I'm 16 and maybe if I'm slutty enough someone will give me money," and you'll have an idea of the internet-culture exhibitionist trollips this kid was intent to murder for sport.

And we caught him on camera. Not enough to put him in jail, but enough to ruin his reputation beyond any amount of spin-control. He was done.

Yet what bothered me was that in his attempts to turn the campaign towards inane and ineffectual issues, this Master Ped orchestrated mass debates and social politics out of one's stance on minutiae of the Star Wars Expanded Universe. Every candidate was cosplaying and fighting over artistic intent and backstory, and retconning '80s and '90s secondary materials with the prequel trilogy.

And god dammit, McCain gave a huge speech and I loved every minute of the race, except all the hatred I was expected to spew whenever a ballot name misinterpreted a history or couldn't pronounce a name quite right. I'm a nerd, yeah, but my love for Star Wars isn't dependent on everybody else not getting it like I do.

More importantly, it seems like it's neither dependent on waking reality or the ability to process real life in a meaningful or sensical way. This natural state of my brain is again the reason I feel no need to partake of drugs.



Kitth Ped - Brit rising child politician poisons dresses as dr. Kills chav dummy

Star Wars minutiae in race. Everyone codplsys, fights over "issues." McCain speech. Secretly love but also hate all the screw ups.

IMPEACH THE O-EMPEROR | I do not think that word means what you think it means

As I was driving to the train station today through the area locally known as Mahopac Falls and Carmel, but more widely referred to as "East Bumblefuck," I passed a sign scrawled haphazardly in what appeared to be bootblack, across a large piece of plywood and nailed to a tree at the edge of the property on which was set back an adorably rustic redneck cabin, overlooking the road.

The sign read, "Impeach the O-Emperor."

Actually, it said "Impeach O- the emperor," but based on the font size, I'm going to assume that graphic design and layout night classes at the local community college were not available to this particular budding Banksy before he–women have far more legible handwriting–dropped out to fulfill a rewarding career as a comparatively cheaper substitute for a forklift.

Now, I get the impression that your intent was the removal of President Obama from office. As such, I find myself compelled to explain that to "impeach" means to level charges against.

Likely, you learned this term during the Clinton trials, when you discovered it was possible to oust a sitting president from office before the expiration of his term for the simple reason that you disagreed with his party affiliation, and found this knowledge more sexually arousing than your browser history's strange and mysterious fixation on Thai ladybois.

Now, to actually remove the president, Obama would have had to do something illegal. And not your Bill O'Reilly talking-box classroom understanding of illegal, mind you, actually illegal. After being charged, he would then have to be tried, and then convicted of those charges. Even then, I am not entirely sure that a prisoner could not also remain President of the United States, though there are certainly measures by which the legislature could remove him once convicted.

Than said, no U.S. president has ever been run out of office through impeachment. Johnson and Clinton, the only two presidents ever impeached despite demands to do so dating all the way back to Washington, were both acquitted in Senate hearings. Worst case scenario, a doomed Commander in Chief could simply resign prior to charges being formally filed, as Nixon did, after appointing Gerald Ford to replace his disgraced Vice President, thus bargaining a pardon upon Ford's own ascension.

Secondly, an "Emperor" isn't an elected office you could impeach, you moron.

BBC: "Romney hits back on Bain attacks"

First he'll break the Bat, then he'll break the GOP.

Bane Dorrance 2012.

2012 Election Decided by Man's Bumper Stickers

I've been saying for a few years now–about four, really–that I've been sick of seeing "Obama/Biden 2008" bumper decals. In fact, I suggested a line of stickers to place over the date portion of these signs with, "We won, get over it."

Sadly, with the real groody horrorshow that's been the run-up to the Republican primaries, I've honestly been getting a little scared that we might need more ad space on our bumpers' left. I mean, have you seen Romney? Dude sure looks presidential. I was stoked for Obama, and I'm happy with the progress he's made in one term and I'd love to see that continue even more aggressively for another four years, but Obama always looked and felt like more like Prime Minister portraiture than the unlikely combination of actually pleasing WASPy Christian genetic traits we've come to view as the elected version of "regal" in the U.S.

That said, I like whatever this guy has been self-medicating with, and not just because he's solved his electoral problems with duct tape.

Enhance!

Alright, that's a lousy enhance, but CSI I am not.

Anyway, I'm voting for a third party candidate. I know, I know– I usually mock anyone attempting to split the Democratic vote, i.e., by wasting a vote on Ross Perot for the 12th time, but this time is different. I'm pretty sure Republicans would love this guy for being old and white and religious and and a throwback to a previous administration, while Democrats would love him for his commitments to personal choice, working with strong women, and his stance on euthanasia.

A Two State Solution

AT&T sent me a form email a few days ago, just to notify me of basic service changes. I figure it was just because we briefly added tethering to one of our data plans for work and then switched it back. No biggie, as you can see here:

You may notice something askew with the bullet points. They are in Hebrew.

Aleph. Bet. Gimel. Dalet.

It's like my cell phone plan is suddenly playing a game of dreidel with me for the holidays, and if I win, I don't get charged hidden fees for another month.

On the other hand, there are two ways to read this that would each be valid. The first would simply be as lettered bullet points, aleph, bet, gimel, and delet being the first four letters of the Hebrew alphabet, equivalent to A, B, G, and D [think Greek ordering].

Or they're numbers, as Hebrew plays double duty as both an alphabet and a numerical system, though Arabic numerals are the standard resultant of international usage. Letters or numbers, either way it's still Hebrew.

Which, I'm pretty sure, is the only two-state solution Israel has any intention of agreeing to.

South Sudan Recognized As Nation

Great. Yeah, because that's what we needed.

Another country we'll need to send aid to. Because we can't STOP sending aid to Sudanese civilians affected by the civil war in the south, obviously now we'll have to send EQUALLY to civilian operations on both sides. It would have been great if 1.5 million people had died with no one winning independence, then there'd be rebels and oppressors and we could go in and smash shit like usual and never leave after wasting billions of dollars and thousands of out own lives.

But I suppose fair politics and mutual cooperation will fall out of favor in the news just as quickly.

PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!…itty-bitty living space

This is one of those times where I lament all the major news going on in the world for taking up the entire news cycle and preventing the world from hearing some of the truly weird stuff going on.

Don't get me wrong, I love hearing the government admit we've been using stealth drones and heavily modified, tactical stealth helicopters for years longer than we've admitted they exist, or that SEAL Team 6 has a German shepherd with tougher body armor than most state troopers.

Still, the rest of the world is kind of kerploding.

It was one thing to neglect mentioning that Egyptian former president Mubarak basically had a heart attack over getting called in by his country's supreme court for "questioning." There was the whole 'sudden conflagration of violence in Syria' thing, and it looked like that fight was going to be a lot messier, what with the insane dictator order cruise missile strikes against peaceful protestors.

Easy mistake.

And of course we only stopped mentioning that when a half-dozen other nations started imploding, but we maybe, maybe would have kept at it until oh gee, we found and killed Osama bin Laden after ten years. Alright, that's a pretty big deal. I mean, that's one for the books. Obama can pretty much write his own ticket after that one. I'm not sure what one does after being the leader of the free world–generally die–but he's a young guy, he can go places. I know Taft served as a supreme court justice afterward. Still, I think "one of the youngest presidents ever" and "first black president" would be enough for some people. Now adding "caught the most reviled American enemy since Hitler" and "personally ordered and watched the death live," it's almost like over achieving. What, you want to be the first president on Mars, too?

*Side note: I just read yesterday that Obama actually cracked a joke after a 6' tall SEAL

laid out next to the body of bin Laden to verify the body by height, quipping,

"We donated a $60 million helicopter to this operation. Could we not afford to buy a tape measure?"

Classic 'Bam.

Well here's the story-of-the-week you'll never hear on the nightly broadcasts:

Psychopath Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad has apparently gone so insane, that he has had increasing tensions with Shi'a Islamic cleric and official Supreme Leader of Iran, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Yes, he's picking fights with his boss, who we used to support until his predecessors turned out to be even more violent and bad-for-business than the guy before them.


So now the Ayatollah's religious police have begun arresting Ahmadinejad's highest ranking supporters on charges of sorcery.


Let that sink in. Socery. They are formally being charged with summoning djinn to support Mahmud's crazed and counter-productive personal goals. One was described as "a man with special skills in metaphysics and connections with the unknown worlds."

Alright, that sounds pretty badass.

But sadly, there aren't any genies here, as far as can be told. It really just looks like the Ayatollah's getting worried that Ahmadinejad's Chief of Staff, this guy named Mashaei, is getting a lot more influence and might be groomed to be a successor. They're saying he's an evil sorceror and is possibly responsible for a documentary which claims the return of the Shi'a messiah figure is imminent, something the Ayatollah's group says cannot be predicted.

So, obviously, he's a witch.

The scariest thing is that as far as the rest of Western Society is concerned, it might actually be best if these guys get tossed from power by their own government, because for once the last craziest guys might be easier to work with than the new craziest guys. At least they don't deny that the holocaust ever happened. (They still hate Jews/Zionists, but hey, at least they admit it happened.)

"I tell ya, I don't get no respect."

On the Egyptian Revolution

I'm not really sure if what's happening in Egypt right now is a proper revolution. I mean I suppose it is because it is demanding change and I assume by the end of this the leader of the past 30 years is going to be in pretty rough shape, but I guess I'm just used to revolutions involving more civil war and beheadings. Call it my Eurocentric view of history. What I do know is that I have had nothing but a running series of Egypt-themed Internet meme jokes circling through my brain all night.

God Kitten was pretty much made for this.

Honestly, the only Rules of the Internet to follow
are 1 & 2, 34, 34 and 42 as a fallback.

On Cruel Games

According to the BBC, "We" has become the most common word used in recent U.S. State of the Union addresses.

Tonight at the bar, I suggested we attempt a drinking game wherein we drank every time President Obama uttered the phrases "great nation," "the people" or, of course, the word "we."

Jay was the only person to take this challenge.

He is a brave man. Perhaps not smart enough to avoid this trap, but damn sure smart enough to know when he's no longer enjoying his beer.

On Bumper Stickers II: The Bumpening

Two more ripe gems yesterday morning. First up: abortion.

Alright, you're pro-life. I can respect that and, from that perspective, I guess this makes a certain kind of sense. Your people tend to like shock value in your personal belief advertisements which you force on others. Fine.

On the same car: "OBAMA" bumper sticker.

Really? Are you both pro-life and democrat? I mean, I guess it's possible, but that's still not something a person usually sees. Especially since a pro-life democrat isn't likely to be the type to shout such beliefs from their exhaust pipe. More likely, they'd politely mention it while adding that it is their personal belief but they also respect others' opinions. Perhaps it'd make more semse if I got close enough to read the fine print:

Theeeeeeeere we go. Okay. Now we're being consistent. Let the opining begin.

*ahem*

1. I will hand you a petri dish. Please show me where in that dish I can find a human being.
   
    
2. I would be shocked if anyone sporting this first sticker had the technical capacity to show me the difference between artificially combined freeze-dried gametes on a microscope slide and a skin sample randomly taken from my left index finger. Or anything under a microscope, really.
   
3. … You're aware that in order to be impeached an elected official has to have done something illegal, right?
   
4. And oh, good, that's a hammer and sickle inside the Acorn symbol. I was afraid we weren't going to compare government regulation of failing, abusive industries to the political ideologies of fascists better utilized as villains in an Indiana Jones feature. Thank the sweet Christian God for that.

Let's be honest about this. You obviously have no idea how biology, social services, communism, capitalism, fascism or representative democracy actually work. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised you find yourself capable of making your car go vroom in the mornings. (And frankly, I am unimpressed with your ability to achieve that much.)

So you know what, I'm glad you have these bumper stickers on your car. At the very least, it warns everybody around you not to listen to a goddam word you say.

On The Voting Process

So I went out and voted today.

1. They mark your name and ballot number, so it will be entirely possible for the electoral commission to know who voted for which candidates.
   
2. However, the lady actually marking these notes is clearly some combination of nearsighted, dyslexic and senile, so no real worries there.
   
3. My mother and I are registered to two different addresses, even though we live in the same house. I guess it doesn't matter if your information is seven years out of date, as long as they sign off on whatever address you registered under.
   
4. I felt a little bad about voting along straight party lines, so when it came to family court judges I threw a pity vote to the Green Party. Hell, New York's been a blue state for longer than we've divided red and blue.

I always try to remember that when we vote we are not as often voting for the candidate we want, but rather against the one we don't. Always vote the lesser of two evils.

Unless it's a monster-fight movie. Then you wanna vote for Godzilla or the most human-looking evil in the room.

On Political Mailers

I got some mail the other day. Who is trying to get me to vote for/against who/what now?

 

Yup. Republicans. Maybe they're thinking I'm somewhat disheartened after being a registered democrat for all of 6 years. Maybe it's time for a change I can believe in.

Not so much. I laughed out loud, alone in my car when I saw the return address on this was "The Republican National Committee." No, guys, I'm sorry. It's nothing against you personally, though I have severe personal issues with some of you. The problem's just that I actually understand how economics work, how logical debates work, and that I just don't have nearly enough money to buy into any of your domestic policies. Sorry!

But let's at least look at your bullet points. It'd be unfair to dismiss you otherwise.

"Republicans have a plan to get us back on track

Republicans will stop Democrats' runaway spending and return Washington's focus to where it belongs:

• Stopping the tax hikes that would paralyze our recovery
  No, raising taxes helps the economy. How is there anyone left who doesn't know this after 11th grade History class?
  
• Ending the climate of uncertainty that has small businesses afraid to hire
  Not an actual plan in any way.
  
• Changing the culture of waste in Washington
  But Republicans are the culture in Washington. Considering how splintered Democrats are, Republicans are the largest functioning group.
  
• Ending reckless spending and bailouts, and paying down the debt
  And spending the money instead on things republicans like, resulting in more lax economic policies and eventually necessitate bailouts. Brilliant.
  
• Repealing the government takeover of healthcare, and replacing it with common sense reforms that reduce costs
  … for the percentage of the population that can actually afford to buy sufficient coverage.

No, no thank you. I'll continue to be a leftist, since that's still alright to do. I'm only registered anything so that I can vote the least useful characters out of one primary.

I had a history teacher my senior year of high school who described himself as a "Stealth Democrat." He'd been a registered Republican for probably 40 years but hadn't voted anything but Democrat in at least 25. Way to be, Mr. V.

On Bumper Stickers

I'm going to take a break from Comic Con coverage to mention this:

I keep seeing a bumper sticker on the way to my dad's house each week for dinner. It's a sticker I used to see a lot of a few years ago and it's always annoyed me: "SMILE! Your mom chose life!"

I get it, you're pro-life. And you put a little smiley face there so you can convince people through happiness to agree with you. That's really a dick move, but as far as dirty tactics go that's pretty much the nicest and cleanest. Bad debating strategy, but a very courteous way to argue. Someone might disagree, but they'll still think you a nice person.

Which is exactly what you want, don't you? Get them all ill-prepared and then overturn Roe v. Wade when they're trying not to be mean spirited. I see what you did there.

Full disclosure, yes, I'm on the Choice philosophy, mainly because I can see reasons why an abortion might be necessary and no good argument for why it never should be. Never is big. A lot. I'm not going to argue that a blastula is a person or that a 7 month old fetus can't live on its own. What I am going to argue is logic.

This bumper sticker is annoying. It raises no ethical questions, makes no pertinent points and contributes nothing to the discussion at all. In fact, all it really does is take the driver's opinion and rub it smugly in your face. 'Do you agree with me? Be happy! Don't? Be happy anyway, just know that YOUR MOM agrees with me.' Real nice, sticker. Way to bring our mothers into this. Dick.

And I can't even argue it because my mother did choose to birth me. Granted, though, I was a planned pregnancy in a stable(ish) middle class suburban household.

But I think I've found a response that can continue the open discourse while sticking to the same kind of polite yet improper debating techniques begun in the original sticker: guerilla stickerjobs.

Gotta love freedom.

On Catch-22's

So according to some news site I'm unfamiliar with and a friend of mine named Claudia, Facebook's founder Mark Zuckerberg could be facing life imprisonment, death or life as an internationally hunted fugitive.

This of course because he and several other named parties created Facebook, Facebook then years later hosting a group for "International Draw Mohammad Day" which protested violence by Islamic extremists against (granted, tasteless) depictions of the Holy Prophet (blessed be his name) in popular media. This of course was highly insulting to anyone who takes being a Muslim seriously.

Since this group existed for a couple weeks before anyone important asked for it to be removed and Facebook immediately did so, Zuckerberg, who is not actually in charge of anything substantial, is obviously guilty of personally blaspheming The Prophet (BBHN). Long story short, the Pakistani representative to the U.N. is asking permission to bring this before the General Assembly and get Interpol to drag Zuckerberg out to be lynched tried for unholy crimes.

Honestly, I'm not sure I can infuse this with enough humor to make it funny-haha. Frankly, this is a best definition of a Catch-22 I've heard since "Catch-22 is such a long, dry book that no one can finish reading it, but since no one has finish it no one can complain about it being a legitimately bad book."

We grant freedoms of existence and expression in this country to people who would not grant us the same, but would then use our refusal to forcibly silence their extremism to meet their own objectives. We pried ourselves on allowing anyone to say anything unless it physically damages another human being, but it is that allowance itself that some take offense to, knowing we by principle can not silence their objections.

Extremists: can't live with them, can't descend to their methods of arguing.


But mostly the first thing, because they keep trying to imprison/kill people.



You know, as an aside, if you were to replace every instance of Islam in this post with "Scientology," every "Pakistan" with "Hollywood" and "extremism" with "Tom Cruise," this would all still be a perfectly valid editorial. Consider that for a moment.

Arguments I Will Never Win and Why

Arguments I Will Never Win and Why:

WHAT: There are too many fitness articles written about losing fat and too few about gaining muscle without becoming a complete creatine d-bag.
WHY I WILL ALWAYS LOSE: I live in America, not Europe.

WHAT: Do what you love, everything else will fall into place.
WHY: I'm white and my mother pays my rent.

WHAT: There is nothing wrong with gay marriage; sexuality is a spectrum and we should respect the expression of natural rights by every human being.
WHY: I'm straight.

WHAT: Modern feminism almost exclusively replaces equality through shared human experience added to purely feminine viewpoints with inverted ideals and roles for what is abstractly considered to be prototypically masculine, furthering the original misconceptions of traditional gender-performance roles as diametrically opposed binaries.
WHY: I have a penis.

I think this might be a photoshopping of a Lichtenstein print, or at least comics from the same era as the ones he based his work off of. Neat!

On Reality T.V.

I've learned Sarah Palin is getting some kind of reality show.

I assume it's going to be her saying stupid shit and tearing wolves apart with her bare teeth, occasionally repelling a Russian invasion of her home.

And I realized she could actually pull this off. With the right help.

Yes, I propose failed Vice Presidential candidate and all-around retard Sarah Palin team up with Jersey Shore miniature woman and empathetic punching bag, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi.

I think she would bring a hint of class and intelligence to the program that Palin on her own might not be able to pull off.

And of course there will be plenty of Bump-Its and drinking and high-pitched cute sounds that don't really have any bearing on real life whatsoever. And maybe if we're lucky they'll make out in the hot tub.

On Health Care Reform

Well, it's official.

Barring completely possible fowl-ups, my country has signed law to give nearly everyone affordable health care.

But what does this really mean for me, the out of work college graduate with an arts degree?

Thankfully, The Washington Post tells me what I've been wondering:

Yes, it's gratifying to see the words "You will not be penalized."

It almost makes up for having to tell The Washington Post that I already have no insurance and earn $0 per year.


On the up-side, they can't fine me for not having insurance if I'm too poor to buy insurance.

A Call To Arms

Just a short piece today, throwing my considerable* blogo-weight behind this person who clearly has more time and drive than I do.

Also, teabagging.



*Blogo-weight is in fact negligible.

"While I Do Not Agree With What You Say, I Will Kick and Scream Until You Stop Talking"

I was legitimately outraged today by politics, something that usually does not happen because I have a very nice, small social circle that generally agrees with everything I say.

However the one thing I can't abide, in any field of study, is the willfully ignorant controlling any situation by means of domineering, bullying and just generally talking over the voices of reason until they can't hear dissenting opinions anymore.

Here, for example, we see a crowd of Tea Party douchebags heckle a health care advocate who, according to the sign he holds, has Parkinson's disease.

Allow me to repeat that. Tea Party members are filmed here jeering a man with a costly, crippling disease:



Now I can't prove that this man has sat down on the ground because his increasingly painful and debilitating disease has put him into a small fit whereby he decided he must sit for fear of injury by fall, nor could I prove he's brought to tears by a bunch of assholes in chinos throwing dollar bills into his face while he suffers immobile.

All I'm saying is there's a flaw in your logic when you tell a disabled man he needs to work for his medical coverage.

Sure, I suppose he could put those tremors to good use and get a job mixing paint down at Home Depot, but of course then he could pay for the medicine that controls his tremors.

Then his performance at work slips and suddenly he's out of a job and can't afford his medication. His tremors come back, which would actually help him get his job back if he hadn't just been fired for starting out great and then doing a really shitty job all of a sudden. Now no one will give him a good reference and he looses his house and has to go on Medicaid, which gives him three generic ibuprofen a day and a bottle of Pediasure.

I swear, I'd be all for gutting and hanging stupid people who disagree with me if I didn't have all these hang-ups about protecting the weak and teaching the uneducated and guaranteeing every dissenting opinion the right to shout its idiocy from the rooftops.


And now, just so we don't have to discuss actually doing anything to improve politics, here's a palate cleanser:



…and now you have cholera.

On the Secret Gay Conspiracy

So considering how many U.S. plutocrats are getting caught engaging in illicit drug use and extra-marital hankey-pankey with members of their own gender, it's gotten me thinking that perhaps there actually is a secret gay conspiracy in this country. Perhaps all the wonderful, happy gay people we know like Richard Simmons, Ellen and Tegan & Sara are just a distraction, while a few, truly evil, greedy and malicious gay people infiltrate our commercial and governmental systems to rise to the top and control us.

You know, just like the top 1% of straight people do.

That said, I can't imagine that all gay people are in on this conspiracy. Likely, it's just a conspiracy of horrible persons who happen to be gay. After all, most politics exclusively involve people who just happen to be crooks, hypocrites and the mildly retarded. (No, that's not a dig at Sarah Palin's baby. That's a dig at Sarah Palin.)

The following is a list of possible dark machinations if this cabal truly involves all homosexuals instead of just a few assholes:

• Infiltrate congress; legislate it a criminal offense to wear stretch leggings.
• Teach everyone personal hygiene; lower immune rates; attack with virulent gay super-flu.
• Get everybody into techno and glowsticks. (Glowsticks already achieved.)
  
• Popularize five-star cuisine; ensure steady source of French-Asian Fusion delights.
  
• Make entire population care about its appearance, don't have to look at uggos all day.
• Get married; adopted unwanted orphan child; form happy family.

Honestly, I'm pretty much all for all of that. Go, Secret Gay Conspiracy, go!