Phoenix Rising: The Most Offensive Book I've Ever Seen

I want it on the record that this officially bumps Glenn Beck's thinly-veiled masturbatory Obama murder fantasies as the most offensive, jingoistic horse shit to be sold as actual printed words.

Phoenix Rising: Fire Base Freedom by William W. Johnstone (with J. A. Johnstone).

The back jacket reads as follows. Note the quotes around "peace." (Vocal inflection has also been added to approximate tone.)


In the interest of full disclosure, this is put out by Kensington Books, purveyors of fine "Urban" (read: low-income African American) fiction such as Somebody's Got to Be on Top.

If it's any consolation, this zero copies and like all Kensington publications, isn't even worth returning to the publisher, and is immediately recycled in bulk.

Obama Announces 'Most Trusted Advisor'

Sorry, AP.

Obama has announced his new Chief of Staff, taking over for Jack Lew who the president has nominated for Secretary of the Treasury, as Denis McDonough.

The president has worked with McDonough since he was a senator, calling him, "one of my closest and most trusted advisers."

…

Quickly, someone tell him he'll never be as strong as Ted Kennedy.

IMPEACH THE O-EMPEROR | I do not think that word means what you think it means

As I was driving to the train station today through the area locally known as Mahopac Falls and Carmel, but more widely referred to as "East Bumblefuck," I passed a sign scrawled haphazardly in what appeared to be bootblack, across a large piece of plywood and nailed to a tree at the edge of the property on which was set back an adorably rustic redneck cabin, overlooking the road.

The sign read, "Impeach the O-Emperor."

Actually, it said "Impeach O- the emperor," but based on the font size, I'm going to assume that graphic design and layout night classes at the local community college were not available to this particular budding Banksy before he–women have far more legible handwriting–dropped out to fulfill a rewarding career as a comparatively cheaper substitute for a forklift.

Now, I get the impression that your intent was the removal of President Obama from office. As such, I find myself compelled to explain that to "impeach" means to level charges against.

Likely, you learned this term during the Clinton trials, when you discovered it was possible to oust a sitting president from office before the expiration of his term for the simple reason that you disagreed with his party affiliation, and found this knowledge more sexually arousing than your browser history's strange and mysterious fixation on Thai ladybois.

Now, to actually remove the president, Obama would have had to do something illegal. And not your Bill O'Reilly talking-box classroom understanding of illegal, mind you, actually illegal. After being charged, he would then have to be tried, and then convicted of those charges. Even then, I am not entirely sure that a prisoner could not also remain President of the United States, though there are certainly measures by which the legislature could remove him once convicted.

Than said, no U.S. president has ever been run out of office through impeachment. Johnson and Clinton, the only two presidents ever impeached despite demands to do so dating all the way back to Washington, were both acquitted in Senate hearings. Worst case scenario, a doomed Commander in Chief could simply resign prior to charges being formally filed, as Nixon did, after appointing Gerald Ford to replace his disgraced Vice President, thus bargaining a pardon upon Ford's own ascension.

Secondly, an "Emperor" isn't an elected office you could impeach, you moron.

Masturbatory Self-Congratulations

All I'm saying, is this guy looks cocky as shit and I love it.

Supersize that image to look at Romney's "I'm getting photographed" sad smile, too.

I'm going to sleep now. I'll try to catch up on those 300 mutual facebook congrats notices tomorrow. After that, I plan on paying my taxes, enjoying my health care, and buying my multiple, bisexual, atheist lovers buy-one/get-one abortion gift cards.

If you think he was too liberal before, you have no idea what kind of Jed Bartlet shit Barry's gonna pull now that he's got nothing to lose.

Killing Kennedy: Bill O'Reilly, Just Date A Chubby Goth Girl Already

Bill O'Reilly's new book Killing Kennedy came out today. It is the follow-up to Killing Lincoln, a book he also "wrote" "with" (read: "all work likely done by") Martin Dugard.


Bill, stop wanting to kill presidents. Just stop, okay?

You're getting a little obvious. Next I'll walk in on you torturing the neighbors' interns or tearing the legs off a junior lobbyist. Then you'll be cutting the eyes out of photos of founding fathers.

Listen, Bill, all I'm saying is you swap out the names, and you're getting dangerously close to your next book being an out-and-out Obama assassination murder fantasy slam-journal, and that's the kind of malarkey that lands you a trip to see the high school psychologist.

Just cut your thigh, talk to the "dark" girls about futility and The Smiths, and get on with your life. I promise you, college will get a lot better.

Political Jokes I Wrote While Falling Asleep

This started as a series of non-partisan "yo mama" style burns, but I am rather obviously partisan and at some early point the disses became more an audition to be a Daily Show writer.


The Republican party's greased so many wheels, the EPA is considering Mitt Romney's hair as an alternate to foreign oils.

Last election a black man refused to disclose his birth certificate, this year a white man won't even show us his printouts from TurboTax. By 2016 we should expect a Tea Party candidate who won't divulge even his name and age, but he'll be very vocal about his stance on gun control.

Speaking of stances, the GOP's position for women and abortion is "first against the wall."



There was a whole long bit about Obama and "trap cards" and legislature being his "manna," but I clearly fell asleep writing it because I started mixing analogies and, worse, nerdy RPG references, and that just cannot be tolerated.

2012 Election Decided by Man's Bumper Stickers

I've been saying for a few years now–about four, really–that I've been sick of seeing "Obama/Biden 2008" bumper decals. In fact, I suggested a line of stickers to place over the date portion of these signs with, "We won, get over it."

Sadly, with the real groody horrorshow that's been the run-up to the Republican primaries, I've honestly been getting a little scared that we might need more ad space on our bumpers' left. I mean, have you seen Romney? Dude sure looks presidential. I was stoked for Obama, and I'm happy with the progress he's made in one term and I'd love to see that continue even more aggressively for another four years, but Obama always looked and felt like more like Prime Minister portraiture than the unlikely combination of actually pleasing WASPy Christian genetic traits we've come to view as the elected version of "regal" in the U.S.

That said, I like whatever this guy has been self-medicating with, and not just because he's solved his electoral problems with duct tape.

Enhance!

Alright, that's a lousy enhance, but CSI I am not.

Anyway, I'm voting for a third party candidate. I know, I know– I usually mock anyone attempting to split the Democratic vote, i.e., by wasting a vote on Ross Perot for the 12th time, but this time is different. I'm pretty sure Republicans would love this guy for being old and white and religious and and a throwback to a previous administration, while Democrats would love him for his commitments to personal choice, working with strong women, and his stance on euthanasia.

Obama Raises Debt Ceiling to Fight The Machines, Escape the Matrix

Tech news site of Wall Street Journal publisher Dow Jones, All Things D is reporting that Obama's plea to the American people to call their representatives and end the insane, flip-flopping opposition to any plan to deal with national debt has caused several key opposition leaders' websites to crash under the torrent of calls.

Chief among them being Representative John Boehner.

This flood of calls, overwhelming phone and web servers with regular usage in irregular volume, is exactly what hacker groups call "DDoS" attacks. "Digital Denial of Service." It's what Anonymous hackers keep using to piss off Visa and Amazon.com. Of course, politicians have told people to call and write their congressmen for decades. Barack Obama would never intentionally crash his opposition's websites, right?

I mean.

Unless, guys, could President Obama be Morpheus?

And does that mean … dear God. The new, skinny white guy no one has any faith in? Oh no.

I think Joe Biden might be The One.

"There is no debt ceiling….Whoa."

PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!…itty-bitty living space

This is one of those times where I lament all the major news going on in the world for taking up the entire news cycle and preventing the world from hearing some of the truly weird stuff going on.

Don't get me wrong, I love hearing the government admit we've been using stealth drones and heavily modified, tactical stealth helicopters for years longer than we've admitted they exist, or that SEAL Team 6 has a German shepherd with tougher body armor than most state troopers.

Still, the rest of the world is kind of kerploding.

It was one thing to neglect mentioning that Egyptian former president Mubarak basically had a heart attack over getting called in by his country's supreme court for "questioning." There was the whole 'sudden conflagration of violence in Syria' thing, and it looked like that fight was going to be a lot messier, what with the insane dictator order cruise missile strikes against peaceful protestors.

Easy mistake.

And of course we only stopped mentioning that when a half-dozen other nations started imploding, but we maybe, maybe would have kept at it until oh gee, we found and killed Osama bin Laden after ten years. Alright, that's a pretty big deal. I mean, that's one for the books. Obama can pretty much write his own ticket after that one. I'm not sure what one does after being the leader of the free world–generally die–but he's a young guy, he can go places. I know Taft served as a supreme court justice afterward. Still, I think "one of the youngest presidents ever" and "first black president" would be enough for some people. Now adding "caught the most reviled American enemy since Hitler" and "personally ordered and watched the death live," it's almost like over achieving. What, you want to be the first president on Mars, too?

*Side note: I just read yesterday that Obama actually cracked a joke after a 6' tall SEAL

laid out next to the body of bin Laden to verify the body by height, quipping,

"We donated a $60 million helicopter to this operation. Could we not afford to buy a tape measure?"

Classic 'Bam.

Well here's the story-of-the-week you'll never hear on the nightly broadcasts:

Psychopath Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad has apparently gone so insane, that he has had increasing tensions with Shi'a Islamic cleric and official Supreme Leader of Iran, the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Yes, he's picking fights with his boss, who we used to support until his predecessors turned out to be even more violent and bad-for-business than the guy before them.


So now the Ayatollah's religious police have begun arresting Ahmadinejad's highest ranking supporters on charges of sorcery.


Let that sink in. Socery. They are formally being charged with summoning djinn to support Mahmud's crazed and counter-productive personal goals. One was described as "a man with special skills in metaphysics and connections with the unknown worlds."

Alright, that sounds pretty badass.

But sadly, there aren't any genies here, as far as can be told. It really just looks like the Ayatollah's getting worried that Ahmadinejad's Chief of Staff, this guy named Mashaei, is getting a lot more influence and might be groomed to be a successor. They're saying he's an evil sorceror and is possibly responsible for a documentary which claims the return of the Shi'a messiah figure is imminent, something the Ayatollah's group says cannot be predicted.

So, obviously, he's a witch.

The scariest thing is that as far as the rest of Western Society is concerned, it might actually be best if these guys get tossed from power by their own government, because for once the last craziest guys might be easier to work with than the new craziest guys. At least they don't deny that the holocaust ever happened. (They still hate Jews/Zionists, but hey, at least they admit it happened.)

"I tell ya, I don't get no respect."

On Cruel Games

According to the BBC, "We" has become the most common word used in recent U.S. State of the Union addresses.

Tonight at the bar, I suggested we attempt a drinking game wherein we drank every time President Obama uttered the phrases "great nation," "the people" or, of course, the word "we."

Jay was the only person to take this challenge.

He is a brave man. Perhaps not smart enough to avoid this trap, but damn sure smart enough to know when he's no longer enjoying his beer.

On Bumper Stickers II: The Bumpening

Two more ripe gems yesterday morning. First up: abortion.

Alright, you're pro-life. I can respect that and, from that perspective, I guess this makes a certain kind of sense. Your people tend to like shock value in your personal belief advertisements which you force on others. Fine.

On the same car: "OBAMA" bumper sticker.

Really? Are you both pro-life and democrat? I mean, I guess it's possible, but that's still not something a person usually sees. Especially since a pro-life democrat isn't likely to be the type to shout such beliefs from their exhaust pipe. More likely, they'd politely mention it while adding that it is their personal belief but they also respect others' opinions. Perhaps it'd make more semse if I got close enough to read the fine print:

Theeeeeeeere we go. Okay. Now we're being consistent. Let the opining begin.

*ahem*

1. I will hand you a petri dish. Please show me where in that dish I can find a human being.
   
    
2. I would be shocked if anyone sporting this first sticker had the technical capacity to show me the difference between artificially combined freeze-dried gametes on a microscope slide and a skin sample randomly taken from my left index finger. Or anything under a microscope, really.
   
3. … You're aware that in order to be impeached an elected official has to have done something illegal, right?
   
4. And oh, good, that's a hammer and sickle inside the Acorn symbol. I was afraid we weren't going to compare government regulation of failing, abusive industries to the political ideologies of fascists better utilized as villains in an Indiana Jones feature. Thank the sweet Christian God for that.

Let's be honest about this. You obviously have no idea how biology, social services, communism, capitalism, fascism or representative democracy actually work. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised you find yourself capable of making your car go vroom in the mornings. (And frankly, I am unimpressed with your ability to achieve that much.)

So you know what, I'm glad you have these bumper stickers on your car. At the very least, it warns everybody around you not to listen to a goddam word you say.

On Headlines

"Steve Jobs and Obama Meet In Palo Alto … What Did They Discuss?"

"Hey, Bill, what's a white woman's vagina look like?"
"Damned if I know, Barry."

The fuck do you think they talked about? Obama asked how tech was going, Steve jobs told him the shiny white Apple path towards a lucrative singularity. Then they sat in a long silence in which both recognized the tenuousness of their grasps on power, both alone in the room with the other and then in the greater scheme of the world.

And then Barry shed a single, Amerindian-esque tear. As his waterdog runs into the room, trailed quickly by Sasha and Malia, then by Michelle, he wiped the errant saline from his cheek and returned from the brief moment of non-composure he had permitted himself.

On Michelle Obama

Looking at Michelle Obama I can't help think life went a lot better for Lisa Turtle than the rest of her classmates on Saved By the Bell.

On Party Lines

Driving around today I saw a bumper sticker that actually read "NOBAMA 2012."

I can't say I agree with whatever republican was driving that Mazda SUV, that Japanese car with low gas mileage and high rollover built in America to avoid paying import tariffs, but damn it that guy certainly has an ear for puns.