Of Those Who Can't Failing to Teach

A family asked me yesterday for a book that would teach their son–for homework that night I learned–the similarities between the branches of government. "Branches" being a word I supplied; they went with "sections" and "parts."

Keep in mind, they also did not understand when I explained thrice that there was nothing in the store and it would have to be ordered, taking longer than 20 minutes to arrive.

The branches are, for those who don't remember 7th grade history class, the Legislative branch (Congress), the Executive branch (the President), and the Judicial branch (the courts). When these two wunderelterns attempted to list them, mom got "Parliamentary" and "Prime Ministreal," which isn't even a word. Dad fared no better with "Communist" in place of Congress and "President," which is actually more horrifying, because in between his wife's attempt and his own, I said them all. To them. They were there. And still, neither one of them even remotely got "Judiciary." I would have taken any variation on "courts." Nothin'.

God help that poor child. If his parents teach him that "Communist" is a branch of American government, we're going to have a little Young Republican on our hands fairly quickly.

Political Jokes I Wrote While Falling Asleep

This started as a series of non-partisan "yo mama" style burns, but I am rather obviously partisan and at some early point the disses became more an audition to be a Daily Show writer.


The Republican party's greased so many wheels, the EPA is considering Mitt Romney's hair as an alternate to foreign oils.

Last election a black man refused to disclose his birth certificate, this year a white man won't even show us his printouts from TurboTax. By 2016 we should expect a Tea Party candidate who won't divulge even his name and age, but he'll be very vocal about his stance on gun control.

Speaking of stances, the GOP's position for women and abortion is "first against the wall."



There was a whole long bit about Obama and "trap cards" and legislature being his "manna," but I clearly fell asleep writing it because I started mixing analogies and, worse, nerdy RPG references, and that just cannot be tolerated.

2012 Election Decided by Man's Bumper Stickers

I've been saying for a few years now–about four, really–that I've been sick of seeing "Obama/Biden 2008" bumper decals. In fact, I suggested a line of stickers to place over the date portion of these signs with, "We won, get over it."

Sadly, with the real groody horrorshow that's been the run-up to the Republican primaries, I've honestly been getting a little scared that we might need more ad space on our bumpers' left. I mean, have you seen Romney? Dude sure looks presidential. I was stoked for Obama, and I'm happy with the progress he's made in one term and I'd love to see that continue even more aggressively for another four years, but Obama always looked and felt like more like Prime Minister portraiture than the unlikely combination of actually pleasing WASPy Christian genetic traits we've come to view as the elected version of "regal" in the U.S.

That said, I like whatever this guy has been self-medicating with, and not just because he's solved his electoral problems with duct tape.

Enhance!

Alright, that's a lousy enhance, but CSI I am not.

Anyway, I'm voting for a third party candidate. I know, I know– I usually mock anyone attempting to split the Democratic vote, i.e., by wasting a vote on Ross Perot for the 12th time, but this time is different. I'm pretty sure Republicans would love this guy for being old and white and religious and and a throwback to a previous administration, while Democrats would love him for his commitments to personal choice, working with strong women, and his stance on euthanasia.

On Political Mailers

I got some mail the other day. Who is trying to get me to vote for/against who/what now?

 

Yup. Republicans. Maybe they're thinking I'm somewhat disheartened after being a registered democrat for all of 6 years. Maybe it's time for a change I can believe in.

Not so much. I laughed out loud, alone in my car when I saw the return address on this was "The Republican National Committee." No, guys, I'm sorry. It's nothing against you personally, though I have severe personal issues with some of you. The problem's just that I actually understand how economics work, how logical debates work, and that I just don't have nearly enough money to buy into any of your domestic policies. Sorry!

But let's at least look at your bullet points. It'd be unfair to dismiss you otherwise.

"Republicans have a plan to get us back on track

Republicans will stop Democrats' runaway spending and return Washington's focus to where it belongs:

• Stopping the tax hikes that would paralyze our recovery
  No, raising taxes helps the economy. How is there anyone left who doesn't know this after 11th grade History class?
  
• Ending the climate of uncertainty that has small businesses afraid to hire
  Not an actual plan in any way.
  
• Changing the culture of waste in Washington
  But Republicans are the culture in Washington. Considering how splintered Democrats are, Republicans are the largest functioning group.
  
• Ending reckless spending and bailouts, and paying down the debt
  And spending the money instead on things republicans like, resulting in more lax economic policies and eventually necessitate bailouts. Brilliant.
  
• Repealing the government takeover of healthcare, and replacing it with common sense reforms that reduce costs
  … for the percentage of the population that can actually afford to buy sufficient coverage.

No, no thank you. I'll continue to be a leftist, since that's still alright to do. I'm only registered anything so that I can vote the least useful characters out of one primary.

I had a history teacher my senior year of high school who described himself as a "Stealth Democrat." He'd been a registered Republican for probably 40 years but hadn't voted anything but Democrat in at least 25. Way to be, Mr. V.

A Call To Arms

Just a short piece today, throwing my considerable* blogo-weight behind this person who clearly has more time and drive than I do.

Also, teabagging.



*Blogo-weight is in fact negligible.

"While I Do Not Agree With What You Say, I Will Kick and Scream Until You Stop Talking"

I was legitimately outraged today by politics, something that usually does not happen because I have a very nice, small social circle that generally agrees with everything I say.

However the one thing I can't abide, in any field of study, is the willfully ignorant controlling any situation by means of domineering, bullying and just generally talking over the voices of reason until they can't hear dissenting opinions anymore.

Here, for example, we see a crowd of Tea Party douchebags heckle a health care advocate who, according to the sign he holds, has Parkinson's disease.

Allow me to repeat that. Tea Party members are filmed here jeering a man with a costly, crippling disease:



Now I can't prove that this man has sat down on the ground because his increasingly painful and debilitating disease has put him into a small fit whereby he decided he must sit for fear of injury by fall, nor could I prove he's brought to tears by a bunch of assholes in chinos throwing dollar bills into his face while he suffers immobile.

All I'm saying is there's a flaw in your logic when you tell a disabled man he needs to work for his medical coverage.

Sure, I suppose he could put those tremors to good use and get a job mixing paint down at Home Depot, but of course then he could pay for the medicine that controls his tremors.

Then his performance at work slips and suddenly he's out of a job and can't afford his medication. His tremors come back, which would actually help him get his job back if he hadn't just been fired for starting out great and then doing a really shitty job all of a sudden. Now no one will give him a good reference and he looses his house and has to go on Medicaid, which gives him three generic ibuprofen a day and a bottle of Pediasure.

I swear, I'd be all for gutting and hanging stupid people who disagree with me if I didn't have all these hang-ups about protecting the weak and teaching the uneducated and guaranteeing every dissenting opinion the right to shout its idiocy from the rooftops.


And now, just so we don't have to discuss actually doing anything to improve politics, here's a palate cleanser:



…and now you have cholera.

On the Secret Gay Conspiracy

So considering how many U.S. plutocrats are getting caught engaging in illicit drug use and extra-marital hankey-pankey with members of their own gender, it's gotten me thinking that perhaps there actually is a secret gay conspiracy in this country. Perhaps all the wonderful, happy gay people we know like Richard Simmons, Ellen and Tegan & Sara are just a distraction, while a few, truly evil, greedy and malicious gay people infiltrate our commercial and governmental systems to rise to the top and control us.

You know, just like the top 1% of straight people do.

That said, I can't imagine that all gay people are in on this conspiracy. Likely, it's just a conspiracy of horrible persons who happen to be gay. After all, most politics exclusively involve people who just happen to be crooks, hypocrites and the mildly retarded. (No, that's not a dig at Sarah Palin's baby. That's a dig at Sarah Palin.)

The following is a list of possible dark machinations if this cabal truly involves all homosexuals instead of just a few assholes:

• Infiltrate congress; legislate it a criminal offense to wear stretch leggings.
• Teach everyone personal hygiene; lower immune rates; attack with virulent gay super-flu.
• Get everybody into techno and glowsticks. (Glowsticks already achieved.)
  
• Popularize five-star cuisine; ensure steady source of French-Asian Fusion delights.
  
• Make entire population care about its appearance, don't have to look at uggos all day.
• Get married; adopted unwanted orphan child; form happy family.

Honestly, I'm pretty much all for all of that. Go, Secret Gay Conspiracy, go!

On Shower Curtains

When I was a kid, my family always had showers with those semi-opaque doors. The only place with shower curtains was my great aunt's house. In their public bathroom there was a bathtub, but the shower curtain was perpetually closed. Even before the advent of shows like CSI and Law & Order, I found myself so bored at family functions that I'd construct the elaborate fantasy that behind that curtain was a dead hooker.

Granted, this freaked me out to the point of compulsively checking to this day any and all view-obstructing shower curtains, but I think I'm more worried about the fact that from an early age I never really questioned the possibility that my gun-toting racist alcoholic uncle and local-politics swindling aunt might have a dead hooker in their shower during Christmas Dinner.