On Justin Bieber II

Add some studs and spikes, and that's the same jacket M.J. wore in his "Thriller" video.
I'm just glad Michael Jackson never lived to see this day.
You know, what with all the child molestation and all.

I came up with this the other day. Since I have n use for it, have at it. Replace "Justin Bieber" with any 'artist' you utterly loathe.


"To call Justin Bieber's work pedestrian would be to insult the intelligence of anyone capable of crossing the street."



Feel free to add an "Oh, snap," to the end if you so choose.


And for the record, the older he gets, the more I come to believe that Justin Bieber is actually the first successful human clone.

Of Ellen Degeneres.

On Lady Gaga, AGAIN…

So this week I've heard that Sandi Rios, "President of the Culture Campaign" thinks Lady Gaga's "Telephone" music video is "poison for the minds of our kids."

I'll keep this short:

She's wrong.

Her tell? Any time anyone ever tries to ban anything for being immoral, they're wrong.

I won't argue that murder is immoral or Lady Gaga is an attention whore the likes of which hasn't been seen since Madonna strapped traffic cones to her chest and plastered images of her twat into a best-selling coffee table book. The facts of the matter are, "Yes it is (but that's less important than the fact that it's societally destructive)," and, "Of course she is."


Anyway, the idiocy here is that this Rios person clearly has no idea what she's talking about and is only complaining because the most liberally minded conservative-owned media network shockingly doesn't curtail its programming to fit her personal, notably reserved values.

I say, "clearly has no idea what she's talking about" because if she did have anything on her side other than reminiscent "oogey" feelings stemming from long-buried awkward nightgown-clad discussions of "boys' things" at a friend's sweet 16 sleepover, she would know that "Telephone" probably has the least disturbing imagery of any Gaga video.

As evidenced:

















































Quite frankly, to say that something's offensive because there's lesbianism is to say you're a fag-basher. In fact, as a side note, no one doesn't like lesbians. Lesbians love lesbians! Straight men love lesbians! Gay guys love lesbians! Even straight women appreciate lesbians, especially the straight ones who like Katy Perry just indulge once or twice for the sake of broadening their horizons and trying to compensate for self-identifying as a less than attractive physical specimen. Everybody likes lesbians except hateful, anal-retentive, loud-mouthed prudes.

And to say that something's offensive just because it has women in bikinis is to say there's something vulgar about 1950s Beach Party movies. They're awful, yes, but only in how poorly made they were. There is nothing vulgar about a bikini. It's not even the most popular offensive legally-wearable swimwear anymore! (Mankinis?)

Kee-Riste, lady! If it wasn't so much fun watching you get made out as a scaremongering prude bitch by fucking FOX News of all groups, I'd have to actually get up and say something, arguing morality with you. Of course that would just validate your right to have an opinion, which seems to be that I don't have a right to an opinion that disagrees with you, but whatever. FOX News made you look like an idiot.

And that's saying something.

On Gaga: A Second-By-Second Breakdown

I have to be honest, I avoided this Lady Gaga creature for a good bit.

I watched the "Poker Face" video once or twice when a friend referenced the lyrics and I wasn't getting the jokes. I agree she seems eccentric and do not believe the jokes that she is in fact a hermaphrodite.

Aaaand then I was linked to the following music video. If you care to press play, I will begin a timed breakdown of my thoughts on the subject.



00:00 - Okay, so it's A Clockwork Orange.
00:09 - … with '80s sunglasses.
00:22 - Vampires?
00:34 - Oh, no, they're Pan's Labyrinth rejects with a vinyl fetish.
00:38 - She's an anime version of a John Hughes extra?
01:03 - And now she's a goth prom queen with a Burger King crown. Excellent.
01:30 - So it's like if Anthony Burgess wrote the screenplay for Repo! The Genetic Opera.
01:46 - … starring Lady Gaga, who is apparently the lesbian love child of Madonna and Cher, raised by David Bowie and furiously masturbating beneath the sheets of her childhood bed to wall posters of Gwen Stefani.
02:02 - And she has issues with success and high fashion. SURPRISING, LADY GAGA.
02:04 - Oh, and now the psychedelic milk bar is actually a white slavery burlesque club for cyborgs and body-mod aficionados.
02:10 - But now she's okay with that
02:14 - … when she's not in the shower being all skeletal and junk.
02:22 - She covers her junk a lot here. Maybe she is a man. I think I'd still put it in her, though.
02:25 - Now she's doing the Hand Give.
02:30 - HEY LOOK UNDERBOOB! The Japanese call that oppai.
02:42 - Aaand hairless cat is upset at Gaga. This is very understandable.
02:48 - Everyone takes tiny steps.
03:04 - Now Gaga is a hologram. How futuristic.
03:08 - She does the chicken dance.
03:12 - Or maybe it's the "Thriller" dance. It's kind of hard to tell.
03:20 - Gaga takes a few seconds to sing about herself, Roma (either the people or tomato, very hard to tell) and wear a gyroscope that can't possibly work correctly.
03:30 - Here you see the bead suit.
03:42 - More anime babe in flashes.
03:44 - OH A BEAR.
03:52 - Now she sings in French while her bear version seduces a bond villain.
04:03 - Throws a tantrum.
04:09 - She looks like Cher some more.
04:16 - Alright, we're getting to the thematic end, now. This is clearly the Pan's Labyrinth producer fronting an Anthony Burgess rewrite of The Fifth Element by the Repo! director.
04:30 - … definitely with "Thriller"'s choreographer.
04:33 - … and White Snake's pryotechnician.
04:58 - Oh, and a little taste of female-empowerment by immolating her gilded mandible friend with her femininity that in no way rips off Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
05:02 - No, she's not a slut. God, no.
05:06 - Oh, hey look, antelope. Awesome.


Well that was fun. In the end, from only this slight experience, I'm willing to say I could definitely be romantically linked via tabloid with Lady Gaga, but break up before we had to adopt any brown kids.