Thursday, November 12, 2009

On Gaga: A Second-By-Second Breakdown

I have to be honest, I avoided this Lady Gaga creature for a good bit.

I watched the "Poker Face" video once or twice when a friend referenced the lyrics and I wasn't getting the jokes. I agree she seems eccentric and do not believe the jokes that she is in fact a hermaphrodite.

Aaaand then I was linked to the following music video. If you care to press play, I will begin a timed breakdown of my thoughts on the subject.

00:00 - Okay, so it's A Clockwork Orange.
00:09 - … with '80s sunglasses.
00:22 - Vampires?
00:34 - Oh, no, they're Pan's Labyrinth rejects with a vinyl fetish.
00:38 - She's an anime version of a John Hughes extra?
01:03 - And now she's a goth prom queen with a Burger King crown. Excellent.
01:30 - So it's like if Anthony Burgess wrote the screenplay for Repo! The Genetic Opera.
01:46 - … starring Lady Gaga, who is apparently the lesbian love child of Madonna and Cher, raised by David Bowie and furiously masturbating beneath the sheets of her childhood bed to wall posters of Gwen Stefani.
02:02 - And she has issues with success and high fashion. SURPRISING, LADY GAGA.
02:04 - Oh, and now the psychedelic milk bar is actually a white slavery burlesque club for cyborgs and body-mod aficionados.
02:10 - But now she's okay with that
02:14 - … when she's not in the shower being all skeletal and junk.
02:22 - She covers her junk a lot here. Maybe she is a man. I think I'd still put it in her, though.
02:25 - Now she's doing the Hand Give.
02:30 - HEY LOOK UNDERBOOB! The Japanese call that oppai.
02:42 - Aaand hairless cat is upset at Gaga. This is very understandable.
02:48 - Everyone takes tiny steps.
03:04 - Now Gaga is a hologram. How futuristic.
03:08 - She does the chicken dance.
03:12 - Or maybe it's the "Thriller" dance. It's kind of hard to tell.
03:20 - Gaga takes a few seconds to sing about herself, Roma (either the people or tomato, very hard to tell) and wear a gyroscope that can't possibly work correctly.
03:30 - Here you see the bead suit.
03:42 - More anime babe in flashes.
03:44 - OH A BEAR.
03:52 - Now she sings in French while her bear version seduces a bond villain.
04:03 - Throws a tantrum.
04:09 - She looks like Cher some more.
04:16 - Alright, we're getting to the thematic end, now. This is clearly the Pan's Labyrinth producer fronting an Anthony Burgess rewrite of The Fifth Element by the Repo! director.
04:30 - … definitely with "Thriller"'s choreographer.
04:33 - … and White Snake's pryotechnician.
04:58 - Oh, and a little taste of female-empowerment by immolating her gilded mandible friend with her femininity that in no way rips off Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
05:02 - No, she's not a slut. God, no.
05:06 - Oh, hey look, antelope. Awesome.

Well that was fun. In the end, from only this slight experience, I'm willing to say I could definitely be romantically linked via tabloid with Lady Gaga, but break up before we had to adopt any brown kids.

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