On Justin Bieber II

Add some studs and spikes, and that's the same jacket M.J. wore in his "Thriller" video.
I'm just glad Michael Jackson never lived to see this day.
You know, what with all the child molestation and all.

I came up with this the other day. Since I have n use for it, have at it. Replace "Justin Bieber" with any 'artist' you utterly loathe.


"To call Justin Bieber's work pedestrian would be to insult the intelligence of anyone capable of crossing the street."



Feel free to add an "Oh, snap," to the end if you so choose.


And for the record, the older he gets, the more I come to believe that Justin Bieber is actually the first successful human clone.

Of Ellen Degeneres.

Selena Gomez: Some Kind of Mexican?

Anyone else noticing Selena Gomez is looking
more and more like Jenni "J-Woww" Farley?
Who's looking forward to the fake boobs?

Apparently local primary schools are requiring students to report on biographies, men for the boys and women for the girls. I was informed today that this particular school district also comprises a significant Mexican/Latino population.

It seems this cultural leaning has resulted in Selena Gomez being a popular choice among the girls, "because Selena's half Mexican or something."

"No she's not," I responded.

"Well, her dad was. Is? She's Mexican."

"No. She's rich."

"Ha. No, but really–"

"Nope. Rich. Whatever she was, she's white now."

And I felt I was pushing my luck with that comment, despite the chuckle it elicited, but unless she and Justin Bieber are part of the Jonas Brothers' abstinence cadre, she's also technically a statutory rapist in the state of California.

Then again, if I was 18, dating a 17 year old, and we collectively had about a billion dollars, I'd just fly us to a state more amiable to teen-on-teen dry humping.

On Pederasty

Looking at Justin Bieber just reminds me of all
the lesbians I'll never have sex with.

Look, I know it's Christmas time and we're all supposed to be cool, but I just wanted to take the time to remind everyone that iconizing and glorifying the looks of Justin Bieber is about one Greek toga away from legitimate pederasty.

Stay safe, kids.

BieberBabyGate

Here are the only things I will say about BieberBabyGate, as I firmly believe talking about this at all gives more power to Bieber and the mainstream media by and large, bother things I would normally discourage.

1. Who is thinking of poor Selina Gomez through all this?

Seriously, that girl is 19, patiently and chastely waiting for her beau to come legal, and here this bitch comes in and makes her the youngest step-milf on Waverly Place.


2. The age of consent in California is 18. When they supposedly boinked, Bieber was 16. This girl, Mariah Yeater, had just turned 19.

Based on California state penal code and previous legal precedent, this was technically statutory rape.

Thankfully, someone has agreed to look into that angle if it pans out. Because if a teen heart-throb should ever knock up a groupie in the bathroom backstage at one of his concerts, we should at least have the decency to shun her, call her fat, and force her to have the baby in a low-security state penitentiary.

Thank god it's just a misdemeanor. Maybe they'll let her off with a restraining order and fine. So she really better be right about this, or she's not going to be able to recoup that loss with any sweet, sweet child support.

Whatever. "Undisclosed settlement," here we come. 15 years from now there'll be another mop-headed blond ingenue (or male equivalent), and I still won't give a shit.

Twist Magazine: "Have sex with tween idols. It's cool."

Found one of these at work the other day, restocking the newsstand.

Twist magazine seems to be one of those mags that gives out free stuff with their issues in place of running articles that are anything but rehashed fluff pieces.

For the record, those are plastic rainbow bracelets that cost about 5¢ per dozen, commonly referred to by the mainstream media as "Sex Bracelets," due to the notion that if a member of the opposite gender snaps off one of yours, you are then obligated to perform on them a sex act corresponding to the color of the bracelet, and by real children as "Fuck Bracelets," in that it is a dirty word and is funny and there's no better name but "those little plastic bracelets," never actually holding to any sexual responsibility.

I'm just insulted at

1. The assertion that "EVERYBODY LOVES BRACELETS." Yeah, sure. Everybody's doing it so you better jump on board. Off a bridge. At least Selina Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens love them. And since we're drawing attention to Selina's child-like head, recently post-pubescent body and apparently just Hudgens' rack–which we've all seen already online–we clearly know what sells and what people are talking about.

2. They call these "bracelets."

The Tween Machine

That's really inappropriate. Selina is way too
young for Ellen DeGeneres.

So Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are like the Brangelina of the tween world.

It's apt, I guess. He's the unquestioned male god of "Tiger Beat" or whatever the hell blogs 12 year old girls frequent this decade. She's Disney's #2 leading lady, right behind Miley Cyrus who is already a little too old and a little too badass to put up with Bieber. (Okay, so I guess she'd be a better Angelina Jole to Justin's Brad Pitt, but I'm really not willing to put too much credence into this analogy. Or any of these people, for that matter.)

So, can we, like, eventually expect these two to produce the tween pop idol messiah? Bieber turns 17 in March and Gomez already is. Kevin Jonas was married by 22, and since these kids all rep a pro-abstinence, marriage-only-in-the-missionary-position-for-the-sake-of-procreation multinational conglomerate, I think it's safe to assume they stand a fairly decent shot of getting married young if they stay together for a few years.

Of course, they might have to conceive via in vitro, since they'd have to both remain contractually virginal forever, and they'd need a sperm donor since Bieber's testicles haven't dropped. (I'm willing to stipulate that he is not actually a 20 year old lesbian, since Disney would likely never risk their image on that. More likely he's a Mickey Mouse Club eunuch. ) Then they'd need to grow it in a jar or something to make sure it had plenty of panty-shots and dick-slips to feed the frenzied media machine for D-channel toddler sites.

But really, that kid could probably walk on water. Or a suitably endorsed healthful yogurt beverage, I suppose, given adequate swagger coaching.


Update!

A little girl of about 8 came into the bookstore today looking for a copy of Tiger Beat. We did have it and "Biebgrove" was on the cover.

Spectacular.

On Teen Celebrity

I heard recently that at any given moment Justin Bieber takes up 3% of Twitter. And you know what? I don't even care anymore.

I'm making a new rule: I refuse to feel threatened, titillated, or otherwise acknowledge in any way a cultural significance conveyed by any person whose voice hasn't dropped yet.

Selena Gomez talking about the environment? Nope. No credibility. Miley Cyrus? Sorry. 'Nother few months before you matter, kid. Bieber? let's see if you still sing as pretty when your balls grow out and you no longer sound like a Roman castrate.

Granted, Bieber could totally turn out like that Zach Efron kid and get a six-pack, a movie with Mathew Perry and Vanessa Hudgens. Though, somehow I see Bieber more as the Mormon schoolgirl type. Not to date, I mean I just see him as a Mormon schoolgirl.

On Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber, in addition to a 3D concert movie, is starring in a bio-pic of himself. He is also "writing" a memoir.

Honestly, at 14 or whatever, what do you really have to put into a biography?

On the other hand, you're 14 or whatever, and you've become a millionaire after people discovered your "good" singing on YouTube and you became famous. That's pretty much every American teen's dream.

But maybe I shouldn't say shit. I mean I'm not famous, after all. Oh yeah, and the last guy to talk shit about Bieber's friend had to shut down his mobile account after Beiger tweeted "Call me" followed by the kid's phone number, resulting in 26,000 texts.

Which, incidentally, violates Twitter's Terms of Service and is sparking a "Suspend Bieber" hashtag movement. Excellent.

On Unnecessary Bieber

Really, people?

Do we really need to know what your kid would look like if it was fathered (mothered?) by Justin Bieber?

I was all on board with age progression on Shiloh Jolie-Pitt because, frankly, that kid has Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for parents. It's either going to be some kind of Greco-Roman statuary or the biggest flesh pile of recessive traits since Rodney Dangerfield's mom had to strap a steak around his neck to get the dog to play with him.

I was even alright with this celebrity look-alike craze that comes up every few years. It's fun. I look kind of like some fun people. There are always funny glitches that pop up on humor sites. It's acceptable.

But Bieber? REALLY?

Let me give you a hint. You want to know what your Bieber baby will look like?


It'll look like a fucking baby!

Why? Because Bieber is still a fucking baby.

Look at his cheek bones. Those things haven't grown yet. His eyes are still close together. He doesn't have an Adam's apple, for Christ's sake. This is a boy who obviously has not gone through puberty, hence his ability to sing like a 13th century castrate.

Sweet Jesus, the boy might still have baby teeth and we're popularizing the notion that he can father children? This is exactly the kind of crap that's going to be keeping "16 and Pregnant" on the air for another decade.