Sunday, February 28, 2010

Things I Have Learned From the Movies

  • The black guy always dies first, unless there's a scared Arab guy or a muttering white teenager lying around.
  • “Brief, partial nudity” means a chick holding a sheet over herself with her back to you, from the waist-up. It is never worthwhile.
  • Keaneu Reeves was only believable as a very confused man staring at his palm in The Matrix, and as a very confused boy staring at his hand in Bill and Ted.
  • All haunted houses have either seven or nine people inside. If there are eight of you, be on guard.
  • Make sure your one true love is sexually conservative. It will keep you alive longer.
  • Bombs slow down in the last minute before they go off, just like football games.
  • If you go back in time always make sure to do whatever it was you were supposed to do. Don't avoid doing anything else because you probably were supposed to anyway. Do check your pockets before you leave.
  • If it can't be the murderer because they're dead, it is.
  • Romantic comedies are good, comedic romances are not.
  • Independent movies only seem better because no one wants to think they spent more time and effort to find a theater actually playing a piece of crap by someone of whom you've never heard.
  • Slow-moving, murderous hulks are surprisingly agile when you're fleeing through the woods.
  • "Remove the head or destroy the brain." Words to live by.
  • The proper order for watching the Star Wars saga will always be 4, 5, 6 then 1, ,2, 3.
  • Everyone pays for adult tickets after the age of twelve, even if they need a legal drinker present to see the movie.
  • Everyone knows how to make a tourniquet.
  • Subtitles make you feel smart, unless you can't turn them off.
  • If John Connor could drive a motorcycle at thirteen, I should be able to at twenty-three.
  • Everything “seemed” like a good idea at the time.
  • Under no circumstances is one permitted to say, “Well, at least things can’t get any worse.”
  • Nothing bad ever happens from secret government programs. Ever.
  • Always believe the lying teenagers.
  • Be constantly pregnant. Nothing ever kills pregnant women.
  • Your high school history teacher significantly underestimated the number of explosions back then.
  • Except for Batman and James Bond, bad guys get the best toys.
  • There are apparently no unattractive young Asian women.
  • Heroes have the best hair, no matter what exploded.
  • Everyone knows how to drive stick.
  • There really are seven different copies of Mike Meyers.

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