Who Wants Laser Eyes? - Extremely focused scientists unaware of awesome research applications

A science team has discovered a way of inserting fluorescent jellyfish genes into human liver cells which, when bombarded with blue light, causes the cell to radiate laser light.

Their interpretation is that a living creature engineered to have this trait in its cells, suitably filled with nano-scale metallic particles for reflectance, could discharge lasers from its every cell, which would be great for medical diagnostics. Like an inside-out x-ray. Neat.

Guys.

Guys.

Did you just say that we can selectively introduce to human cells, locally–say, in an eye?–the ability to discharge certain EM light frequencies which, when their oscillation is amplified by a semi-transparent mirror system–er, ruby-quartz glasses perhaps?–they shoot out fucking lasers?

Did you just honestly explain a possible, functional analogue to X-Men's Cyclops and not notice it? How do you not notice it? You're a nerd. You're a fucking laser nerd. How did you not notice it? Like 90% of what you do all day is probably covered by Superman/X-Men laser eye jokes. How did you not see this?

"It's fucking SCIENCE!"

The only explanation is you're keeping a tight lid on this so you can give yourself laser eyes before anyone else gets wind of it. Awesome.

But realistically, it'll still look like a nerd at a Star Trek convention….
Sadface.

 

On Creative Accounting

I recently realized, since I am a professional writer, pretty much anything I purchase specifically to be blogged about here is a business expense. That's pretty sweet, say, any time I want to see a new movie and then come home and bitch about it here anyway. It just seemed like that would be something kind of hard to sneak past my accountant.

Oh wait, I use Turbo Tax.

And I do it myself. Because I don't earn enough to need an accountant. Honestly, I'm a pretty strict guy. I really stick it to myself and make sure I spent at least as long composing my responses to X-Mens and variously colored lanterns and elaborate foodstuffs as I did watching/reading/eating said "business expenses." I'm really kind of an asshole. I'm sure if I remembered what it was like to be my age, I'd let myself write off all kinds of drugs and hookers, and call them "writing aides" and "creative consultants."

But my accountant is a cranky old man who never likes to have any fun.

High Finances

This is how much money I made today:





70¢. 25 off the floor at my friends' house, 26 at Stop & Shop, 19 change fro the same. Got an extra nickel somewhere, but lost one of them.

I also got a dollar back as change and maybe a penny from my blog ads, do today's net was probably $1.71.

Friend encouraged me to go to the bar with him while he made it "rain." it was suggested that perhaps I could throw my change at people while shouting "MAKE IT HAIL!"

I think my friends might be wonderful assholes. Just, you know, financially irresponsible asshole.

Location:Old Yorktown Rd,Yorktown Heights,United States

On Dreams XII: I'm Running Out of Subtitles

I dream about being chased by enthralled masses quite often. I think my brain decided zombies were too easy to put down, being already dead. The brainwashed living, though, those I have reservations about, and often I'll wait too long and be close to real danger for want of not harming them, even from a legal standpoint.

This time I was with others. The stabbing is pretty common in my dreams now, but that might change if I learn how to fire a gun, and I'm always very hesitant to do it. This was the first time my knives were big or sharp enough to do real damage anyway, and the first time I had to stab more or less normal, feeling people.

They still wanted to kill us and I had people to protect, so after the first stab-and-run it got easier to accept as a necessity, but still not easy to do.

Then I was captured and had to confront the cult leader, Robin Williams in a high school of brainwashed students. I gave a speech to the cult of kids and told them to be nice to each other and try new things, and I misquoted the lead singer of the defunct local band Brunswick, saying, "Do sex, do drugs, do rock and roll."

They cheered when I yelled to just be nice to each other.

On King Kong

"Jack Black, stop making MOVIES!"

I think King Kong is perhaps the worst possible way to react to a giant monkey getting loose in New York.

I'm sure at any other point in history there would have been animal rights activists nearby, covered in fake blood and dressed as giant bananas. The police would have so many gasses and tranquilizers on hand that they'd start passing them out to children on the street after finally getting to use them. Hell, the military would launch a small cruise missile from a sub in the harbor for Fleet Week and it'd fly straight down the ape's esophagus.

Now, I know that sounds a bit harsh, but it'd make for a great movie climax too. Really, the only better (slash-worse?) story would be if Kong had been found by the Nazis and rescued by Captain American and a very effeminate Bucky.

'Fuck' - A Critical Deconstruction

 I wrote this on a napkin on my lunch break when I was maybe 20:

Sitting in the food court, I wondered, "Would they really throw me out of the mall if I were to shout 'Fuck!' at the top of my lungs? I mean, I work here." And at first I thought, "Yes, they would," but I asked myself why. I had, for the moment, entirely forgotten why one would not say ‘fuck’ in public.

I ran a simulation in my head: If I shouted "Fuck!" and no one did anything, then the adorable little girl walking past me could say "Fuck!" and I knew this to be funny and wrong, but I still couldn’t remember why.

I idly thought the word to myself, how everyone says it, how if everyone uses it–most often without any meaning–how then could such a word be bad? I thought the word again, and in one golden moment it was entirely without meaning or power, and everything made sense. I had deconstructed the word and removed its center, separating signifier and signified.

Then I imagined a 19 year-old brunette, mid-coitus exclaiming, “Fuck my fucking cunt!” and reality snapped back into place, and ‘fuck’ was dirty again.

On the upside, that brunette had a fabulous body.

Spam Subject Lines That Are Worth Your Time

Ever since I found out a Mac's email client has a 'bounce' feature to delete spam mail and send a delivery failure, no known address message to the bot server, I've been pretty excited to get me some spam. However, I've been using Gmail as my primary for years now, so the old POP3 ID doesn't get much play these days. Even if I have to manually delete from the spam folder, knowing I can't stop them from arriving, Gmail has left me a few gems here and there:


Exotic Oriental Fetish

"You might be thinking to yourself, how come an exotic Oriental fetish such as bukkake could..."
– From Lew

I am overwhelmed what can people do with females!

"I came by this website..."
– From rofl penelope

Is this a male or female? I cannot tell. Can you?

"Take a look at the picture..."
– From Paulina Eliot

I learned what females do on a farm. NEVER leave them there unattended!

"Never leave your madam on a farm lone..."
– From Rosamond Lolly

Separation Grounds. Creatures Involved.

"That is the argument Cameron launched the divorce of his spouse. She not..."
– From Harry

Prepare your left hand.

"Make your left hand and a tissue available. Send your gal away. Come forward to...
– From Rudolf Tobias

Beakup Justifications. Animals Involved.

– From Lucas