On Getting In Touch With Your Masculine Side

How To Get In Touch With Your Masculine Side: A Guide

• Eat at least one cute animal per meal. For bonus points, top it with cheese and maybe bacon.
• Punch yourself in the arm. Hard.
• Stop having any feelings other than rage, lust and material jealousy.
• Scratch yourself in public, preferably before or after farting.
• Bother absolutely no one for anything, thus entitling yourself to remain similarly unmolested.
• Limit your alcohol intake to domestic beer and whiskeys or otherwise bad-tasting liquor. If you enjoy drinking it you're not doing it right.
• Nap.
  

On Getting In Touch With Your Feminine Side

How To Get In Touch With Your Feminine Side: A Guide

• Stock your liquor cabinet only with rum, bagged wine, flavored vodka and cranberry juice.
• Buy all your clothes two sizes too small, maintaining it is your fault for being fat.
• Concentrate not on whether you understand an issue, but how it makes you feel.
• Make your own sandwiches.

Look for the equally derivative "How To Get In Touch With Your Masculine Side" tomorrow!

On July 4th

To be honest, I never really enjoyed the 4th of July very much.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm not patriotic or if it's because I just hate seeing my family. All I know is the food is good, but like the company, beer and fireworks are always let-downs.

Considering I feel the same way about Christmas and Thanksgiving, I'm going to blame my horrible family of drop-outs, alcoholics, closeted homosexuals and unwed teenage mothers. (Love you guys.)


Happy 234th birthday, United States. Thanks for providing me a country where I have the freedom to sit around all day and think about how poorly the government runs things, brooding contempt for the truly hypocritical, un-American logic-hierarchy that is a military which I refuse to join because I've been bred by the same system to be better than that.

Go positive-feedback loops.

Things I Have Learned Housesitting

Things I Have Learned Housesitting:

• Always bring your own toilet paper.
• Dogs are fucking crazy for chasing rabbits.
  
• "Unbreakable" Kryptonite brand bike chains have a lifetime warrantee that does cover gettin chewed through, but after three run throughs customer service starts getting a tad miffed.
• Birds don't eat fucking anything.

On Western Union

I was at a loss for something to blog today, until about six minutes ago.

Now, I've commented on horrible advertising before. But tonight I must point to something particularly unsettling. Listen to just the first few seconds and you'll see what I mean.



Someone honestly thought this was going to be a good idea. Either they were oblivious to how horrible it makes Western Union seem, or they were so twisted to think it would be so gorilla, in your face to avoid all the platitudes and tell you flat out that

Money will "make your love tangible."

I- I really don't have anything more I can say about this. It's just reprehensible in such a simple, explicit way.

Today was just a day of evil, wasn't it, Mel?

On Third World Sports

After viewing this Daily Show segment last week, a thought's been mulling around my head.

If you skip to around the 4:10 mark, you'll see John Oliver playing some "football" with kids from a small township outside Johannesburg during the World Cup . What I don't get is this:

Those kids aren't very good.
I mean, I get it, you're poor, but if I'm to believe the Christian Children Fund and a bunch of other commercials where fat, bearded men or washed-up Southern singers/movie stars try to guilt me into giving them money for African orphans (of which only 20% at some charities actually makes it to the kids), soccer balls are basically the only toys these kids have. Like one per village.


Honestly, if that's the only thing you have to play with, you should really be insanely good at it.

I suck at video games. Always have. But I can run "Super Mario Land" for GameBoy like a mother. I guess what I'm saying is, "Get it together, Africa." Apartheid and blood diamonds are one thing (actually two things), but showing the world there are some sports other than hockey that black people aren't awesome at, especially one that involves running, is just upsetting.

On "Biblical Proportions"

"This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions."

"What do you mean, 'biblical?'"
"What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff."
"Exactly."
"Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!"
"Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…"
"The dead rising from the grave!"
"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together … mass hysteria!"

- Ghostbusters

I'm pretty sure the initial thought was placed in my head by something I heard on television. Maybe a joke on The Daily Show, perhaps an awkward comment somewhere, I don't really remember.

What matters is that I don't have the meteorological wherewithal to refute this idea that's gotten into my head:

1. The Gulf of Mexico is filled with a massive oil spill.
2. Everyone is worried that as hurricane season approaches relief efforts will have to cease.
3. Hurricanes have massive lightning strikes.
4. People are fearing the ocean catching on fire.

Now that's pretty terrifying in general, but we're all pretty aware that heavily polluted lakes and rivers and such can catch fire, and in more fun cases it is actually possible to burn seawater by bombarding it with science- microwaves.
But we all seem to be forgetting something else hurricanes do:

• Produce water spouts.

Yes, hurricanes suck water up out of the ocean and then rain it down over the course of hours or days. If that water is filled with oil, and if at any point that oily water is ignited by one of the many lightning strikes between the interior of the hurricane and the ocean, we will be getting killed by a giant raging firestorm of fire.

Almost.

And where do most hurricanes make landfall? The Gulf. Often Louisiana. Don't think this is a likely possibility? Here's a video of oily backwash raining down in Louisiana last week.

Now, I'm not usually one to buy into any of that "God is punishing us for our promiscuity and The Gays and harboring Jews" malarkey, but even I have to admit New Orleans is getting shit on pretty bad by the universe, lately. I mean it's one thing to write off the flooding as being well deserved after you built an entire tourist city below sea level, but the flooding lead to power and light outages, skin irritation and lung damage/death from mold and bacterial, and widespread famine. More recently they've been dealing with tornadoes and now it's fucking raining fire.

FUCKING RAINING FIRE!

Seriously?! So that's flooding, famine, lesions, darkness and fiery death. We were like four plagues into the story of Passover and the universe just skipped straight to Sodom and Gamorrah.

I don't know about you all, but I want to see the government step in and fix this shit while footing the bill to BP before we have to find out if two-month old moonshine counts as a first-born son.