I Just Wanna Be A Toys-Я-Us Kid

When did I become the man who was excited about unwrapping a staple gun on Christmas morning?

Worse, when did playing with my first pick of the haul involve using that staple gun to run power and coaxial cables under my bedroom door, with glee and abandon?

Ah well, hopefully the Jedi robe and Nerf tactical vest make up for my aging ways.

Got Game? A Mathematical Analysis

I declare a ceasefire in my War on Christmas–unlike General Washington–to share the following story with you.

 

I've never understood the concept of having "Game." I get the concept, but I have to take it on faith that I or anyone else has Game. I'm told other people have Game, and I generally believe it. I'm told I have Game, and that's probably the biggest cause of my doubts that Game is a thing in the first place. Perhaps it's all been a ruse this whole time.

It seems unquantifiable. Qualitatively, I can say that Game may in fact be present within an individual. You have it or you don't. Yet you could have Good Game or Bad Game, or Sick Game, or even Mad Game, which in some contents might actually imply a plural of Games, but a single large value might be more reasonable.

But can you have 1.67 times better Game than Bob down the street? Couldst we construct a gameometer?

What is the measure of a man if not his game?

My best guess:




That's one-half the average radius of his testicle, multiplied by (n+1) where n equals his number of popped collars.

Currently, sitting alone in bed with a space heater, watching Tosh.0, my measure is about .75.

That seems about right.

Chuck Norris' man rating is an imaginary number
only Chuck Norris has ever successfully imagined.

Celebrity Names and How I Imagine They Are In Bed Based on That

• Blake Lively - Passive and taciturn. You do all the work.
  

• Bruce Springsteen A.K.A. "The Boss" - Actually rather gentle. Enjoys cuddling.
  

• Jane Lynch - Involves asphyxia. Or black men. Since she's gay, I'm going with the former.
  

• Lisa Lampanelli - Fucks lamps.

Why I Am the Worst Date

• Get coffee: hate coffee. (How about tea and scones? Maybe a biscotto?

• Go outside for a smoke: don't smoke. (Father issues.)

• Sushi: nauseated by all seafood. (Fancy lobster and any dinner in Maryland/tropical islands also ruined)

• Movie date: keep your tongue in check, woman, I paid $11 to see this movie in which I'm now thematically invested, I'm going to watch it.

• Hiking/rock climbing/long walks on the beach: fucking lazy.

On Man Repairs

All men are going to agree with this statement:

There are exactly 5 ways for a man to fix something:

Hitting
Prying
Sticking
Bending
Cutting

That's it. Every fix ever is one or more of those..

Today I tried a Japanese soft drink called Ramune. It's sealed with a little glass marble which you pop down into the bottle using a plastic stopper. Afterward I wanted the marble. I then spent about half an hour trying to pry off the top, cut through it and bend it awkwardly until–eventually–I gave up, placed the glass bottle daintily in a plastic bag and hit it with a hammer. Marble in 3.5 seconds. I hit all the Fix Plans other than taping the thing, but I finally found the one that worked. Certainly it was not as classy a solution as I intended, but it has its own simplistic elegance, I believe.

Before that I "fixed" my new desk chair. Turns out it was not broken. Rather, I had not learned how to utilize its many functions properly. A few minutes and a screwdriver-used-as-a-prybar later, well, let's just say I'm now typing from that chair in a relaxed and reclined position.

Yes, sometimes it's as simple as deconstructing how a thing works and then ensuring it functions properly. A couple years back one of my housemates returned home, went to pull her key out of the front door and somehow managed to wrench the key and the deadbolt into unnatural positions. The key we were able to bend back and remove rather easily. And be "we" I mean "I."

What did I end up doing? Well I was an English major, so obviously I had no homework and plenty of free time. I grabbed a couple screwdrivers, a hammer and a pair of pliers and I very carefully took the thing apart one piece at a time, only removing a component after determining its proper function mechanically and geometrically. To this day I do not know how my housemate twisted and bent at a right angle a deadbolt by simply turning her key (best hypothesis: she is an amazon), but I do know I rebuilt an entire deadbolt lock mechanism in a couple hours using only pliers and a hammer.

Pry.
Bend.
Stick.

The Difference Between Men and Women

I don't know how I've never blogged this before. Actually, I've got a fairly reasonable guess: I spout this bit of sensical nonsense rather frequently and in person. I try to teach it like Jesus taught Buddhism with parables. Shepherds don't understand Buddhism, but they understand sheep. Men and women don't understand the subtly nuanced interactions they experience on a day-by-day basis because, frankly, no one understands them. The people with the best guesses are trained relationship counselors and sociologists and psychotherapists and I have it on very good authority that none of them ever agree on much of anything. Truthfully, if anyone anywhere were suddenly able to explain men and women to each other, religion would disappear overnight. That said, I suppose this is my own small attempt at heresy.

The truth of the species is this: Men are dumb. Women are simply crazy.

That's it. That's all there is. Now, you can expand on that, but it's just fleshing the idea out to make it more palatable. Men aren't necessarily dumb. In fact, most of history's greatest geniuses were men, though I suspect this statistic is in large part weighted by the fact that educating women hasn't been in vogue until very recently, at least on a sociological scale.

But here's the kicker: Men are logical, but they're very dumb in how they go about it. If something doesn't make sense, a man will stop and stare at it for hours if not days, until finally he reasons out its very atomic nature. That's how Einstein did it. Anything that isn't capable of being solved is an object of intense scrutiny, followed by either subjugation or blinding, seething rage.

Women? They're brilliant. They don't have to think linearly in time or space. They can see every facet of a situation and immediately weight priorities by non-logical intuition. They understand parables while men are the shepherds or, more often, the sheep. When any man demands in an argument, "How can you say that?!" He actually wants an answer. He wants to reason out where the logical error lies and prays to the club-meat-fire Man Gods that it isn't his. To the same thought a woman would more likely demand, "WHY would you say that?!" She has no interest in your logic, at least not yet. She is more concerned with what you think and feel that would cause you to phrase your point in the way you did, because she found it needlessly hurtful.

Men argue the facts, women argue how those make them feel.

And as much as you may already disagree with all of this, here's the part that will win back most of the men I lost and cast off any women left in my camp, but that's not how it should be.

Women, it is all your fault.

I'll wait. Okay.

The trouble is Men are too rational. They're typically not in touch with their emotions and anything they don't understand is likely to be confronted by logic, not deep, emotional introspection. Women, are phenomenal at that. They're are amazing. And because they're just as smart as men they can understand Men's small chimp-logic. They can understand even if it pisses them off, and if they don't try than they're just being dumb too.

So here's the deal: Crazy people can understand stupid people if they're smart enough, but dumb people can never understand crazy people because, well, they're too dumb for that.

Women, you have to be the ones to make the effort, because at least you have a friggin' shot at it.

On Getting In Touch With Your Masculine Side

How To Get In Touch With Your Masculine Side: A Guide

• Eat at least one cute animal per meal. For bonus points, top it with cheese and maybe bacon.
• Punch yourself in the arm. Hard.
• Stop having any feelings other than rage, lust and material jealousy.
• Scratch yourself in public, preferably before or after farting.
• Bother absolutely no one for anything, thus entitling yourself to remain similarly unmolested.
• Limit your alcohol intake to domestic beer and whiskeys or otherwise bad-tasting liquor. If you enjoy drinking it you're not doing it right.
• Nap.
  

On Women

Men (and male impersonators), listen up. I am about to drop wisdom on you.

Granted, this is mediated by their individual personalities, but in almost all cases the more beautiful a woman is, the more she hates her feet.

And this is actually pretty understandable. Feet are, after all, pretty weird to look at. All boxy and trapezoidal. What are they doing down there? Fuckin' miracles all up in this bitch.

But see the logic in play: the more beautiful a girl is the fewer physical traits she has to complain about. At the very least, a woman cannot walk around actually saying that she thinks of herself as a Venusian goddess. All her friends would hate her for being such a shallow, conceded bitch.

However at the same time, I truly believe that until a woman achieves that level of bitchy hotness, psychologically she needs to be able to find something awful about her appearance to keep her in line, to keep her from being completely unlikeable, to have something to strive for and work towards. It's like an equilibrium of looks, keeping a mentally healthy level of body dysmorphia.

1) The more attractive the woman, the fewer unattractive physical traits.
2) Feet are weird.
.:/ A woman can always fall back on hating her feet.

Moreover, she's going to rely on this hatred for her pedis as she frightfully approaches the self-realization of critical hotness, that tipping point between giving up and becoming an egotistical whore and accepting small imperfections as natural and beautiful in their own way, allowing her to age gracefully and not turning into a slutty supernova.


Interestingly, it has recently been pointed out to me that shoes are absolutely adored by women for almost the opposite reason: shoes will always be designed to be cute.











Once a woman knows her shoe size, she'll pretty much never have to worry about not fitting into them perfectly.

A dress has to be taken in, let out, hemmed, pinned and all of this at the women of genes, weight, and even water retention, but shoes, shoes vary much less in design.

Even if a girl tries on a hundred dresses, once she has a dress she finds acceptable, even merely passable, there will be cute shoes available no matter what. Those shoes might be the saving grace of an entire outfit.

Men: never question your lady's shoes.

However, if you're still trying to find an in with a lady, I might recommend aiming a gentle put-down at her feet.

Try to work in an off-handed Daddy Issues comment at the same time. Works wonders.

On Cuddling

This came up in conversation today. I was asked to help a cousin out and make a ruling, this being said ruling and all associated points.

Cuddling - v. Two people are said to be cuddling if and only if both parties are consciously aware they are intertwined with the other and are enjoying the closeness.

1. If two people become intertwined while sleeping in close proximity to each other as a result of cramped quarters, the result is cuddling unless both parties fell asleep before becoming intertwined and pseudo-cuddling ends immediately upon one party waking and breaking off the cuddle in a spastic manner.
2. If the first waking party does not break off the cuddle and continues to enjoy its feeling of safety and comfort, this results in cuddle rape, or non-consensual cuddling.
3. If the second party awakes to find the first party awake and still in the cuddle, this should be construed as an open invitation on continued and future cuddling.
4. Inebriated cuddling is the worst kind of cuddle because one is more likely to cuddle with a person (s)he would not normally admit to wanting to cuddle. Thus when one awakes (s)he finds her/himself in a Shame Cuddle.
5. A group cuddle involves three or more people in a sandwich or dog pile configuration all cuddling consensually. This can lead to cuddle orgies, cuddle porn on camera and pay-for-cuddle or cudstitution.
6. Hardcore amateur, lesbian and Asian cuddling are by far the most popular types of cuddling.

For further reading, visit CuddleParty.com.