Monday, December 27, 2010

On Kids Today and also Teen Moms

Kids today are weird as hell.

I really mean it. I call them the "Little Brother" generation. They have such a sense of entitlement, even over what I grew up with. Like us, they innately desire and are adept with using technology, but something's off: because they never grew up blowing into Sega and SNES cartridges, these kids don't know how to boot in safe mode to run diagnostic programs and filter out their porn viruses.

It's a direct line of succession, really. Kids don't grow up learning how to make their toys work when something goes wrong, then they grow up to never know how to fix their computer when the software gets buggy. My father had to wipe a hard drive twice because it was more virus than data at one point. That's like the Darth Vader of HDDs.

Soon as something stops working, kids toss it aside and ask for a new one. Bitch, do you have any idea what it'd cost me just to get a working copy of "Battletoads" these days? No, you wouldn't, because you just think in numbers. You have no concept of the time put into cruising eBay and Craigslist for a working Sega 16-bit with the original controllers and a working RF adapter and a copy of one of the most cultish, rare second-hand gamed available. You don't understand how fucking awesome it is that you can jailbreak an iPhone and make it do damned near everything. It's Batman's utility belt. Hell, the new Nanos are DickTracey's watch, with the wristband accessory.

And yet they show no signs of interest in understanding how any of their best toys work, so of course there's never any thought to upgrading existing tech rather than buying up to the newest shiny. Still, they're obsessed with whatever their new thing is for a couple weeks, to the exclusion of all else, like a kid on Christmas.

This Christmas I saw my cousin's two year-old playing a game I'm pretty sure was inappropriate for his age group on a Nintendo DS. He was in the living room of his great-great-aunt's house, and Return of the Jedi was playing on TV.

Return of the futhermucking Jedi. Do you know how many muppets are in that movie? Like  247. Muppets everywhere. And they sing! And dance! For God's sake half of them are giant teddy bears. What is wrong with a kid that Return of the Jedi is on and he's engrossed in a video game he doesn't understand with questionable educational value? (I think he was killing 'bad guys.')

Honestly, this is what happens when teenagers have kids. No respect for the classics. I swear to the force ghost of Sebastian Shaw, if I ever have kids, they don't get to see the Star Wars prequels until they run around the backyard yelling "IT'S A TRAP!" every five minutes.

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