Tuesday, December 14, 2010

On Mad Science

Why hasn't mainstream media been aflurry with the news that a Scotsman secretly re-cloned Dolly the Sheep three years ago?

This is what we need to be worrying about, people. Not whether a ball of cells is technically a person because it has a slim chance of eventually turning into a fetus that might become a baby that perhaps survives childbirth to ultimately be considered "alive." Not whether global warming is A) damaging enough that it'll kill us all the the world will go on or B) just awful enough to ruin our mode of civilization.

No. Science is terrifying when we just lets crazy assholes secretly clone shit. We eat cloned beef. We drink cloned milk. We goddamfuckit eat vegetarian food made from genetically modified soy beans. Our soybeans are wayward technology. We stand no chance.

And what's worse? These new-cloned sheep are sweet ass new clones. The first Dolly? She had to be put down because she got a lung infection and maybe developed arthritis. When she was three years old she was seven years old. That's because her genetic material had already been dividing and multiplying for four years before she was born. Jesus.

But the new clones? They don't suffer from the same genetic maladies as earlier models. They're three and they're just fine. In fact, they look even more exactly alike than regular sheep tend to. Did someone hire a sheep stylist to make sure their wool was neat and even?

Not to mention, Dolly was the result of 277 tries to clone a sheep. These new ones only took about four or five embryos each to cultivate a viable, living sheep. We are getting better at growing good clones easier.

Sweet lord, this is the plot of Blade Runner. We are making replicant sheep and cows, my friends. If you start seeing livestock in trench coats chasing other livestock, for the love of all that is Dickian, tell them they're clones too.

Were you just holding back on the news until you saw if the clones died horrible progeria deaths, Scottish Scientist? Was that it? You just weren't sure? Or were honestly thinking you could dominate the world with an army of cloned repli-sheep? Screw it, you just wanted to do it because you thought it'd be cool. That's the only reason to do any science.

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