Friday, August 12, 2011

Childhood Rules You Can Disregard

  • "Always wash your fruit." Screw that. Pesticides make the fruit all tart and delicious.

  • "Never run with scissors" and "hold them by the point." Hold them however the hell you think will keep the sharp, stabby parts away from your torso and face should you trip and fall. And get them wherever they need to go in a reasonable amount of time!

  • "Never talk to strangers." Then how am I supposed to make friends and meet new people? Get a job? Live outside of my mother's basement?

  • "Don't light things on fire." Please.

  • "No running by the pool!" Then how the fuck am I going to splash a bigger cannonball?

  • "Clean your plate; there are starving children in [distant Third World location]." And how is me being a glutton and giving myself a stomach ache helping them? Why don't we just take our leftover tuna casserole and FedEx it over to Africa or China or wherever and put some meat on their bones.

  • "Don't buff the dog," "No grappling hooks in the bananas," and "You can't drink milk while running." Pretty sure these were only specific to my childhood, but I'm a man now and I'll do what I damn well want.

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