Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Tween Machine

That's really inappropriate. Selina is way too
young for Ellen DeGeneres.
So Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are like the Brangelina of the tween world.

It's apt, I guess. He's the unquestioned male god of "Tiger Beat" or whatever the hell blogs 12 year old girls frequent this decade. She's Disney's #2 leading lady, right behind Miley Cyrus who is already a little too old and a little too badass to put up with Bieber. (Okay, so I guess she'd be a better Angelina Jole to Justin's Brad Pitt, but I'm really not willing to put too much credence into this analogy. Or any of these people, for that matter.)

So, can we, like, eventually expect these two to produce the tween pop idol messiah? Bieber turns 17 in March and Gomez already is. Kevin Jonas was married by 22, and since these kids all rep a pro-abstinence, marriage-only-in-the-missionary-position-for-the-sake-of-procreation multinational conglomerate, I think it's safe to assume they stand a fairly decent shot of getting married young if they stay together for a few years.

Of course, they might have to conceive via in vitro, since they'd have to both remain contractually virginal forever, and they'd need a sperm donor since Bieber's testicles haven't dropped. (I'm willing to stipulate that he is not actually a 20 year old lesbian, since Disney would likely never risk their image on that. More likely he's a Mickey Mouse Club eunuch. ) Then they'd need to grow it in a jar or something to make sure it had plenty of panty-shots and dick-slips to feed the frenzied media machine for D-channel toddler sites.

But really, that kid could probably walk on water. Or a suitably endorsed healthful yogurt beverage, I suppose, given adequate swagger coaching.


A little girl of about 8 came into the bookstore today looking for a copy of Tiger Beat. We did have it and "Biebgrove" was on the cover.


No comments :

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.