Sunday, February 24, 2013

Dolphins Reported to Gang Rape

Magic Tree House #9: Dolphins at Daybreak.

Look at that look the lower dolphin is giving that little girl. Just look at it. That is a filthy, filthy look. I'm reminded of that shot in The Lion King during "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" when Nala gives Simba that "Come f-ck me," stare of lion-y sexpots.

Except this porpoise's gaze is also full of malice. This is not a "Come f-ck me," stare, this is a "Grab your knees and bite your sock," stare. This dolphin is up to some serious no good.

You can even tell from his friend. That little boy is all excited about where they're going to go and what they're going to do, but his mode of conveyance has his asymmetrical teeth gritted, that elongated jaw set tight and a frown on his face shouting, "Damn it, Jerry, not another one! I can't have any more of these kids on my conscience!"

This is the dolphin-y opening to a very aquatic episode of Law & Order.

Five minutes from now an octopus cab driver is going to pull up on a rotting whale carcass to eat, very happily, and shriek a terrible gurgle of horror as he finds these children's legs sticking out from behind it, wedged haphazardly into the blowhole as if to be hidden, a single shoe askew to reveal the mangles form within.

Two weary and bleary-eyed dolphins approach the scene as a team of sturgeon cordon off the local marine life.

"Ee-ee-ee-eeee-eeee-eee-e-ee-eeee," says the first.

"Eeeee-e-eee-ee-ee-e-eee-ee," replies the older, graying Jerry Orbach dolphin.


"Eee. Ee-eeee-ee … click-click-ee."

Bum-bum. Da-da-da-da daaaah duuuuuuhhh.

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