The First Time I Have Ever Been Truly Grateful for Autocorrect

My iPhone just corrected "tape" from "rape."

I am very happy about this, what with the conversation I'd been having about book publishers and retailers merging/warring, and creating "antitrust red tape."

I honestly don't want to think about MacMillan & Co. creating red rape any time soon. That sounds like more the self-published-mommy-porn cup of tea, if you ask me, and I'm still of the opinion those abuse fantasy whackjobs should have kept it to watching Hallmark Channel original movies like back in the good old days.

Before the Dark Times. Before the Grey. Now the Soccer MILF is all but extinct … seduced by the dark side of vampire romance and edgy, South Reno strip clubs.

Alright, I can't actually shoehorn any more Star Wars references into that idea. Actually I almost said "Wedge," but I don't think enough of you are nerdy enough to catch that one. And if you did, I'm sorry I just explained it. I feel like C-3PO now. I'll be in the corner if anyone needs me.

If You Don't Believe In Rape Culture

I hate the phrase "Rape Culture."

It implies to me that we, as a society, even tacitly allow rape to exist through denial of responsibility and shaming; we find the incidence rate and severity of rape acceptable. I do not believe this. I believe most human beings are not essentially good or bad, but stupid.

Children are inherently sociopaths. Then they turn 5 and are inherently good, until societal norms are placed upon them. Then they forget what it's like to know the right thing to do and feel empathy.

Most people who don't sweat rape are far enough removed from the issue they forget its immediacy. They, in their ignorance, are unaware of the terror and statistics and individual violation of a person's very being. Most—like me—probably acquired most of their knowledge on the topic from syndication of Law & Order: SVU.

However do not construe this possibility as a refutation of the victim shaming or perpetuation of lackadaisical attitude surrounding rape as a whole. It is an alternate explanation, not rebuttal.

Ignorance can be fixed.
Apathy can be roused.

Still, there's a point where through either malice or sheer blithering stupidity, laying blame upon the victim starts hurting everyone and public opinion must shift in order for even the most mainstream, average American to feel safe and righteous again.

And more often than not that point will involve their goddam iPhone.



"Oooh! You see that little pink Speck case that 4S was wearing?? She was so asking for it!

Scopolamine: The Most Terrifying Zombie Drug Ever

If you don't have the stomach to sit through the whole video, skip to the last five minutes after reading this:

It's a roofie. Except you're completely conscious and appear normal, but completely susceptible to any suggestion. You will empty your bank accounts, wallet, apartment, anything they ask you. Then the next day, you remember nothing.

Now watch the last 5 minutes with that nice motivational/cautionary speaker. Let him become the most pants-wettingly horrific gangster you've seen since before you realized Scarface was just a movie.

Okay?

Now here's a question: What if this drug just made you really, really generous?

What if there was a drug that gave you a terrific sense of ecstasy and brotherhood with all things, but more than that instilled in you the impetus to actually do something about the inequality and poverty and dearth of good will in the world, and you just of your own volition gave away everything you realized you didn't have an immediate need for?

ALT Text: "Yeah, it's pretty much
the worst, cats and kittens!"
I hope Ryan North doesn't sue me.
He's a pretty cool guy with Fair
Use. I just wrote stuff that sounded
like it needed to come out of
T-Rex's face. Wow, that's long ALT.

Just, like, ignore the parts where people get beaten and raped and die.

The world would be a pretty alright place if we had all that without the last part, huh?

But that last part's pretty bad.

BieberBabyGate

Here are the only things I will say about BieberBabyGate, as I firmly believe talking about this at all gives more power to Bieber and the mainstream media by and large, bother things I would normally discourage.

1. Who is thinking of poor Selina Gomez through all this?

Seriously, that girl is 19, patiently and chastely waiting for her beau to come legal, and here this bitch comes in and makes her the youngest step-milf on Waverly Place.


2. The age of consent in California is 18. When they supposedly boinked, Bieber was 16. This girl, Mariah Yeater, had just turned 19.

Based on California state penal code and previous legal precedent, this was technically statutory rape.

Thankfully, someone has agreed to look into that angle if it pans out. Because if a teen heart-throb should ever knock up a groupie in the bathroom backstage at one of his concerts, we should at least have the decency to shun her, call her fat, and force her to have the baby in a low-security state penitentiary.

Thank god it's just a misdemeanor. Maybe they'll let her off with a restraining order and fine. So she really better be right about this, or she's not going to be able to recoup that loss with any sweet, sweet child support.

Whatever. "Undisclosed settlement," here we come. 15 years from now there'll be another mop-headed blond ingenue (or male equivalent), and I still won't give a shit.

On Cuddling

This came up in conversation today. I was asked to help a cousin out and make a ruling, this being said ruling and all associated points.

Cuddling - v. Two people are said to be cuddling if and only if both parties are consciously aware they are intertwined with the other and are enjoying the closeness.

1. If two people become intertwined while sleeping in close proximity to each other as a result of cramped quarters, the result is cuddling unless both parties fell asleep before becoming intertwined and pseudo-cuddling ends immediately upon one party waking and breaking off the cuddle in a spastic manner.
2. If the first waking party does not break off the cuddle and continues to enjoy its feeling of safety and comfort, this results in cuddle rape, or non-consensual cuddling.
3. If the second party awakes to find the first party awake and still in the cuddle, this should be construed as an open invitation on continued and future cuddling.
4. Inebriated cuddling is the worst kind of cuddle because one is more likely to cuddle with a person (s)he would not normally admit to wanting to cuddle. Thus when one awakes (s)he finds her/himself in a Shame Cuddle.
5. A group cuddle involves three or more people in a sandwich or dog pile configuration all cuddling consensually. This can lead to cuddle orgies, cuddle porn on camera and pay-for-cuddle or cudstitution.
6. Hardcore amateur, lesbian and Asian cuddling are by far the most popular types of cuddling.

For further reading, visit CuddleParty.com.