On Saturday Night Live

In the course of researching my book, I've had to do some things I'm not proud of. Most of those revolve around watching Hannah Montana. It's no surprise then, that when I forced myself to sit down and watch a complete episode of Saturday Night Live for the first time in a few years, it was because I couldn't ignore Miley Cyrus hosting last weekend.

Positives:

• They did not ignore Cyrus' tiny personal debacles.
• They hit those points hard and early with a nice jazzy song-monologue
• She broke fourth wall in the Bieber sketch and pointed out that salvia is perfectly legal. Good girl.
• The Black Eyed Peas sketch was fairly accurate and all personalities were well portrayed in both attitude and appearance. This is shocking as it included Kenan Thompson in a pretty sizable roll, Thompson being the worst thing on SNL since Jimmy Fallon, assuming you don't count most of the rest of current cast members.
• Cyrus nailed her Fergie impression. Watching her dance like that also clearly shows how much a whore she doesn't dance like in her own shows, poles or not.
• Weekend update had decent writing, Will Forte didn't crack up at any point, Kenan Thompson was completely absent, and lasted a full 20% of the entire episode. (Normally that last part would be a Negative, but by taking up so much time it preempted worse sketches.)

Negatives:

• Every other sketch, really.
• 36 Seasons in and Lorne Michaels still hasn't figured out how to sound check the musical act such that their live performance, pumped through speakers, doesn't sound horrible when played on television.

There's one more thing I was going to list as a Negative, but it might be a positive. Either (more likely) the quality of SNL has degraded so significantly over time that their art department is filled with 2 talentless hacks and an intern who does all the actual work, or (more narcissistically) I've become so awesome at Photoshop and advertising that, without any formal training, I am on par with professional art departments.

Quit biting my style, SNL!
(Or just offer me a job already, geeze.)

Precious Memories 1

Combing through my bookshelf reveled some very interesting finds this go-around. I threw out maybe an inch and a half of useless notes and a few textbooks. Well, almost useless notes. You know how some people doodle in margins? I tend to do that, except with words, pictures, cartoons, codes, original alphabets, geometric patterns, quotes, and whatever the hell I have stuck in my head that minute.

Tonight, since I'm too lazy to scan anything, I'm going to share with you a couple random excerpts I came across.

"I don't know how World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." - Einstein

"Intensify forward fire. I don't want anything to get through." - Admiral Piett, Return of the Jedi, one hearing that deflector shields had been lost aboard his Super Star Destroyer, Executor. Placement: top left page of my notes.

"INTENSIFY FORWARD FIRE POWER!" - Admiral Piett, right after his last decision did nothing to stop a damaged A-Wing from crashing directly through his viewport into the bridge of the Executor. Placement: top right of same page.

"Pepe Le Pew's cat girlfriend = 'Penelope.'" - Directly between the above.

"Engage in rocking behavior with your genitalia on the outside." - Apparently "rock out with your cock out" wasn't classy enough for Brit Lit class.

"Marxism: All your base are belong to us." - Real cute drawing of Carl Marx next to that. Helped me get through Criticism discussion.

And last but hopefully least, one rare gem I believe was original insight from yours truly:

"I don't believe in abortion, but I believe in falling down stairs … a lot."

Things Charlie Sheen Might Actually Be On

Alright, Dean, you win.

Things Charlie Sheen Might Actually Be On:

• Drugs
• Twitter, denying that he is on drugs
• Methadone, to stop being on drugs
• Either "The Ball" or "Top of His Game," since apparently he is constantly winning
• Network news at least once every 48 minutes
• Par with his brother, Emilo Estevez's character Gordon Bombay in the opening scenes of The Mighty Ducks where he gets pulled over for a DUI.
• Top of Old Smokey, if "Old Smoky" is the name of his crack pipe.
• A hooker/porn actress, depending on if there's a camera present
• And off again with drugs
• (A) horse
• Mood stabilizers
• -omatopoeia 
• Tiger blood

Charlie Sheen's father Martin Sheen once couldn't get on an
airplane because his driver's license still reads "Martino Estevez."

Of Anesthesia: A TMI Thursday Adventure Through Space and Time and Testicals

So it turns out the lumpy scar thing on my leg is actually called a "benign fibrous lipoma," which basically translates from moonspeak as "lumpy scar thing."So says the little Chinese surgeon named Jack. I like this guy. He reminds me of the OBGYN from Knocked Up.

Honestly, this is of absolutely zero note except for one thing I just realized: I will be getting local anesthesia to my upper thigh. How is that funny? Because if the affected area is broad enough, my balls could be tripping balls.

Guys, that's like balls-squared. Square balls.

Or even ball^balls.

That's like four spacial dimensions of balls, cats and kittens. 4-D balls. Disney Real-D^TM 3-D ain't gonna have anything on my junk.

Diagram of a 3-sphere.
This is what both of my balls will look like when
they are tripping over themselves.

*This attempt at humor is derived from finding the humor in gross things. It in no way is serious, nor am I terrified of having cancer. I do not have cancer. If I did I would be making much better jokes about something else.

On Pandering, Part 4

Yeah, this is exactly what teenagers are like.

I think this is the end of my pandering. Partly because I can't think up any jokes about Estonia and partly because I'm tired of pandering to you losers, even if you get me a ton of hits now and I've surpassed 800 entries.

So to end Reader Appreciation Week as horribly as possible, here's me pandering to local teenagers from Carmel and Mahopac, NY. I'd include Illinois but that's too hard, and Texas but that's too easy.

…

Oh man!

So the other day I got my dad to buy me an iPad and then I saw they came out with a new iPad today. It's cool. I'll probably break this one in a week anyway.

Dude! I'm TOTALLY gonna get laid next week! I saw this girl in the hall and she said, "Hey" to me. She TOTALLY wants my dick!

Don't you just HATE people who say it, "Ma-hoe-pack?" They're so maroonic….

Hey, Bro! You hear the new Owl City, bro? It's almost as good as Dave Mathews.


Alright, that's done. I don't like how much of my brain I have to shut off to talk like that. Maybe there'll be something interesting for the rest of the world tomorrow.

On Pandering, Part 3

The following are the nerdiest jokes I can think of, sent as a thank-you to all the hyper-intelligent, hypo-social readers who have made me the go-to man for that one joke to lighten the mood of your PowerPoint presentations on stellar phenomena.


"How many quarterbacks does it take to read a spectrograph? Well, that assumes that a quarterback could read, doesn't it?"

I heard about writing the letters of the alphabet when you're going down on a girl but I thought that might be too obvious. I almost got away with it, too. I got through 'UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT' before she slapped me.

HINT: Do not confuse 'SELECT' for 'START' or you may END GAME.

Also, if she's got both A and B buttons, someone's using cheat codes.

A couple of my friends were discussing how to run an over-under fantasy baseball league over dinner the other night and one suggested the use of a 20-sided die.

… That last one is actually true.

On Pandering, Part 2

Today I am going to pander to some of the other growing readership circles I've somehow cultivated of late. Here are some personal shout-outs and notes for all of you wonderful readers!

Pakistan: Guys, I know I talk about particle physics a lot. I still can't help you with your nuclear program. And besides, India gets me four times as many hits as you, so I think you're barking up the wrong tree for secrets. Still, I like you guys and I'm thankful for your perusal, so here's a diagram I found for a rocket-propelled chainsaw launcher.

Mexico: I love what you guys are doing with narcotics trafficking. Your catapults and complex tunnels are impressive. I know it's entirely legal in my state, but I was wondering if you guys could get me a deal on salvia. A couple friends are interested and I just want to know if drug dealers could give me a better price than online retailers. I can wait for you to get back to me with a letter retrieved from inside a drug mule or something. Thanks!

Brazil: Thank you for Carnival, thongs and buxom transsexuals indistinguishable from the biological thing. I am told these are your three largest exports and so this is what I thank you for. I would also like to personally thank you for screwing up a perfectly good continental linguistic system by still using Portuguese, that isn't in any way tremendously annoying for people with OCD.

Canada: … I have nothing bad to say about Canada.

Saudi Arabians still reading since yesterday: … I have nothing bad to say about you either. You are good sports. Please don't read yesterday's post, I like being alive.

The Guy Who Keeps Clicking My Page After Searching For Porn: Seriously, dude, "Elizabeth Banks Nude" and "sexy old woman's asses photos" are not valid search terms for this site, and the last one isn't even grammatically accurate. And while we're on the subject, whoever searched "is there christians that play neopets" [sic] is even more horrifyingly undereducated than you are. (And for the record: No, no good Christian should ever play Neopets.)


Since, I have no way to really end this, I'm going to just add this one little group:

To People Finding My Blog Through Non-English Search Terms;

I love you. I see a search in Russian and two in Arabic and I just thought everyone else should know what you are looking for. You are not terrorists or crazed vodka mafioso. You are everyday people, just like us.

два попа с битами - "Two priests with the bits." That might be the greatest Walk Into A Bar joke ever, but now I'll never know. I commend you on your sense of humor.

اسس بيوتي - "Foundations of Beauty." Either you mistook me for a Western makeup artist or you were enraptured by the grace and elegant lines of my HTML. In either case, I thank you.

اليزابيث بانكس - "Elizabeth Banks." … We are the same, you and I. Our differences are not so great.