Tuesday, March 1, 2011

On Pandering, Part 2

Today I am going to pander to some of the other growing readership circles I've somehow cultivated of late. Here are some personal shout-outs and notes for all of you wonderful readers!

Pakistan: Guys, I know I talk about particle physics a lot. I still can't help you with your nuclear program. And besides, India gets me four times as many hits as you, so I think you're barking up the wrong tree for secrets. Still, I like you guys and I'm thankful for your perusal, so here's a diagram I found for a rocket-propelled chainsaw launcher.

Mexico: I love what you guys are doing with narcotics trafficking. Your catapults and complex tunnels are impressive. I know it's entirely legal in my state, but I was wondering if you guys could get me a deal on salvia. A couple friends are interested and I just want to know if drug dealers could give me a better price than online retailers. I can wait for you to get back to me with a letter retrieved from inside a drug mule or something. Thanks!

Brazil: Thank you for Carnival, thongs and buxom transsexuals indistinguishable from the biological thing. I am told these are your three largest exports and so this is what I thank you for. I would also like to personally thank you for screwing up a perfectly good continental linguistic system by still using Portuguese, that isn't in any way tremendously annoying for people with OCD.

Canada: … I have nothing bad to say about Canada.

Saudi Arabians still reading since yesterday: … I have nothing bad to say about you either. You are good sports. Please don't read yesterday's post, I like being alive.

The Guy Who Keeps Clicking My Page After Searching For Porn: Seriously, dude, "Elizabeth Banks Nude" and "sexy old woman's asses photos" are not valid search terms for this site, and the last one isn't even grammatically accurate. And while we're on the subject, whoever searched "is there christians that play neopets" [sic] is even more horrifyingly undereducated than you are. (And for the record: No, no good Christian should ever play Neopets.)

Since, I have no way to really end this, I'm going to just add this one little group:

To People Finding My Blog Through Non-English Search Terms;

I love you. I see a search in Russian and two in Arabic and I just thought everyone else should know what you are looking for. You are not terrorists or crazed vodka mafioso. You are everyday people, just like us.

два попа с битами - "Two priests with the bits." That might be the greatest Walk Into A Bar joke ever, but now I'll never know. I commend you on your sense of humor.

اسس بيوتي - "Foundations of Beauty." Either you mistook me for a Western makeup artist or you were enraptured by the grace and elegant lines of my HTML. In either case, I thank you.

اليزابيث بانكس - "Elizabeth Banks." … We are the same, you and I. Our differences are not so great.

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