Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Of Lapsed Judaism

It's occurred to me that Sarah Silverman is really the only one attempting to make being Jewish sexy, and I'm pretty sure she's only doing it by accident. (There's just something to saying you're meshuga for anal sex that drives a rabbi wild.)

Today in the car I decided to make an effort to bring thick locks of glistening chest hair back into style. Open polyester and gold chains can come back even if disco never should.

But how to do this? Frankly, it's far funnier to make fun of Judaism than to praise it. So I figure we start small. Like our penises. Work our way up from there. Like to boobs or some shit.

First step is to create a desire. I don't mean make us alluring, I mean literally naming and popularizing the idea of wanting to bang a Jew.

First there was Jungle Fever, then Yellow Fever which is much hotter (shut up not a pun Asian girls are just ridiculously hotter. Proven fact: a girl who's a 6 but Asian becomes a 7. It's a +1 to +2 system of weight based on a propensity for uniformly clear skin, high cheek bones and frail, demure forms trained to please their men through elaborate meals.)

And now I introduce to you the Jew Flu.

OH MAN, do I want to hit that Sarah Silverman chick. I've got such a serious case of the Jew Flu for her. I'm gonna need some matzah ball soup STAT, bro. Can I afford the cure? Should I get a roth IRA or invest my savings in long-term equity bonds for a guaranteed return later down the road? OH GOD, BABY I'M GOING MESHUGA FOR YOUR SHUGA.

See how great that goes? I almost went with "the Jewties" but I thought that was a little schoolyard for trying to bang chicks.

Although the idea of a "Jewtie shot" was pretty intriguing. Hey, baby? Have you been inoculated? No? Well then I've got a little prick for you.


(Actually valued at $39.95.)

[Plus tax.]

1 comment :

  1. Does this mean that if you have a Jewish mistress, and you go to see her, it's a "Jewty call?"


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